Last year was probably the worst year of my life.
- My sister went to hospital suffering from seizures. She was there for 1 month and still experiences symptoms
- I lost over $1.5 million [$3 million lost as at 2023], more than most people have seen. I joined over 80 subscriptions and had exposure to 100 subscriptions and still lost*
- I suffer from depression. I cried so much. I don't know when the pain and torture will end. My suffering continues with the wrong investments
- I had bad emotions. I was stubborn, controlling, retaliating and stonewalling
- I crashed my car into two other cars
- I had police issues. I was charged and received a diversion.
- I saved my mum's life when she was choking
- I lost my dating life. It was almost non-existent as I had to stay home due to a lack of money and lockdown
- I am getting older and my health is deteriorating, particularly my eye sight and sexual health
- I endured a miserable winter with sore eyes
- I lost the Biblical God. I prayed intensively and all my prayers were not answered**
In recent months, I waste my life on Agar, I waste my life on Twitter. I waste my life on news. I age another x percent, my ED gets worse by another x percent, my eyes get worse by another x percent, my mum gets older by another x percent... I drift further from my dreams. I prefer a warmer climate, nice girls, no worries as a majority of stress comes from finances. Visualise this and repeat
If I were to ask someone wise or a good friend, what would they say to me?
Where will I be at 45? Is my mum still cooking and cleaning for me? Am I still getting walked all over by others? It's only been 10 years since university - I still have time to achieve everything.
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I need to visualise the future. What do I want for myself?
On reflection, I don't know if I did this even after writing it.
I have to set a deadline on my trading. The deadline is June 2021
As of 24 May 2021, everything I fought for may be over in a week.
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I remember that I am now 35. Some people only live to 70. In this case, there is 50% of life remaining.
I have to remember that the past is over. There is no point dwelling on all the problems.
I have to source people who can help get my life back together and work with someone who is living the way I want.
I can't keep repeating what has happened. I make random trades where I might make hundreds, but then one trade loses thousands. I might make a big win but every month I lose. It is destroying my mental state. I need to have a fixed stop loss and only trade it once, win or loss, and move on.
I have to laugh when I am stressed. Worry doesn't bring me anything worthwhile.***
Some thoughts from my psychologist:
- I am not in control, which increases stress. I need a strategy to manage the problem and reduce stress. Think about where is this all going if things don't turn around, based on trajectory of the last two years. I keep losing every single month. What is the trajectory of where it is going. Have a plan in place and have a contingency in case I am wrong. Take tough decisions or it will explode. I was out of control and I needed safeguards. I was like a plane without an engine and to observe the trajectory.
- My life is dysfunctional. I am fully focused on trading. I am always focused on the markets. As long as I am in the market I will be stressed. I have ongoing stress about financial markets. It wakes me up when I sleep. I am out of balance. My life is out of balance
- Have a direction/purpose. Have goal like ship with destination. I have to choose if I have a good life or a bad life. I feel trapped and lack direction. I am not living the life I want making me feel frustrated and anxious
- Religion takes away my mum's anxiety
- Be aware of the emotion coming. I can see the state of emotion coming. Say to myself - here comes the feeling of worry/anxiety, come from a place of stillness so the emotion doesn't overtake me. Go to a place of stillness, practice stillness and meditation for a stronger mind. Be aware of my anxiety, put down my anxiety for the moment. Medication doesn't stop my worrying mind
- There is a trigger and I react to it. Take time before reacting - what options do I have, wait, think. Respond by calming down first, be still (think of muddy water - wait until it becomes clear). Stillness - stop, slow down breathing by taking deep breathes and count to 7 as current breathes are too shallow, muscles relax, slow down my internal clock to pace myself, visualise myself being still in a restful pose. Take 10 seconds to think clearly about my options. I am panicking too much.
- Take a break from what I am doing when I am stressed. Break my cycle. Go for a walk. Focus on the here and now. Be grateful for the walking. Leave stress at home.
- Take 10 percent off everyday. As I stand up or sit down or walk, focus on slowing down. Slow down 10 percent when I cook, shower, walk.
- Change my life. Get out of the passenger seat. Be busy and engaged. Schedule things to look forward to that you enjoy/make you happy/fun
- I am living at home. It is comfortable, but may not be good for me. I will be the same at 45.Have an interesting life
- Have one thing to look forward to this week
- Be fit, swim. Look after myself
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Follow up general thoughts:
I followed that plane trajectory and I crashed. I didn't have a day plan or a long term plan
Think positive (I am in a constant state of negative excitement). If you think in positive terms you will get positive results. Believe and succeed. Mind will return what is planted. Plant your goal in your mind. Picture having achieved the goal. Write down definite goal on card. Quit running myself down. Stop think of why you can't be successful and think of why you can. Trace attitudes of why you can't be a success. Change image of yourself - write a description of what you want to be. Act the part. Start today, nothing to lose, a life to win. Ask and it shall be given you. Seek and you shall find. Think of everyday goal while being Calm + Cheerful. Don't worry. Make being lucky my own perception
- Trade my rules and remove gambling mindsets (trading without a plan, emotional attachment to a trade, anticipation of the win, this time I will be right, riding a trade as if my life depended on it, chase losses until there is nothing, get stopped out and then re-enter, random trades, revenge trading, have to end at the win, jumping between system). Change from impatience to discipline. Journal my trades.
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* Elliott Wave Trader, Castaway Trader, Vwaptrader, Spiderman, Stops and Targets, Layupfutures/Oblique, Kpak, Marketmind, Revere Trading, 108 Altitude, Feibel Trading, NOPE, xtrends, The Kobeissi Letter, PS60/Access A Trader, Infinity Trades, fed.tips, Arastoo Fazeli, The Kingdom, HussainDhala, Enjoy Trades, TradingWarz, EST, Sann/Onsa, Low Key Stonks, DTR Trading, Noya Alpha/Shiro Ari and Don, Livestream Trading/TSXtrad3r, Colton Options, FT Trading, EFO Edge, MbcTrader, Rich Hamilton, The Corporation, Trading Dojo, SeanTheNoob, tradewithMAK, BullTrades/Cblast, Shibatrader, Warren Letter, Stockmarket Cycles, MoneyBags/Rags to Riches, Brett Simba, SmashTheBid, Expo Developers/Jesse, Highborn Trading/Excalibur and Royal, JBW Investing/Stank, The Wolves of Wall Street, Compound Gains/MakePlays, Oasis/Champ Britt and Oakley, Conquered Minds/Ace , FlowOperator, TraderTom, BrianStonk, Adam Options, Team2Trading/Casey, Trading Decoded, Trade Brigade, xtrades, verniman, NOBStrades, Cary Palmer, The UK Futures Trader, Lanto Trades, MambaCalls, TradePRO Academy, Chew Trades, Pepethuglife, DodgyDDs, Hamed Trades, Aaron Rentfrew/Mind Unbound, Options Pro Chick, FLI Capital, StockDads, Futures Flow, 7th, Trading Channels/Burak, ShadowTrader/Peter Reznicek, KISS_RHINO, Tradersmarts, Options Trading IQ Iron Condor strategy, Tanja Trades, Options Omega, Navigation Trading, DT (reddit), The Signal Trader, Only Gains, Camelback, Stockmanreal, TFNN/Mastering Probability, swingingfutures, The Laptop Legend, Capital Flows (I also watched Julia Cordova, TradingNinja, CiovaccoCapital and other assorted YouTube trading videos religiously each weekend as well as reading posts every day from every single trader I found on Twitter (totally tens of thousands of traders). I heard someone lose from carl futia, emini.today, ramostrader and someone who went with Kane Capital, Elite Trading Warrior, ES Real Time, Shinobi Signals, Xclusive Trading, Trading Wiser, PAM, Trade at Ease with Adaamset and Strizzi, Futurestrader400, Trick Trades, Vexxly, Market Timer, dragvs, Telegram groups (Zega, fof, nitro, billions, and more); and I copied Vini/Trade With No Emotion without paying, and took mentoring from FroTrades)
I realise now that I didn't have a set criteria for selecting trading subscriptions. The two criteria I will use now are:
1. Every month is green (and then assessed according to win rate and risk:reward)
2. Trading is complete in the first hour of open
** If God is real the prayer will come true. I prayed with all my heart, with respect, asking for forgiveness, saying I will praise God, be righteous, know God and do God's will, tell me if I am praying wrong. I prayed to the God of Abraham, Issac and Jacob, in the direction of the temple, in Jesus' name. I asked God to make right decisions and called out to Jesus many times.
*** 54321 technique (see, feel, hear, smell, appreciate), body scan
I prayed intensely from November. All my prayers were not answered. Every day since I prayed SPX kept going up despite my prayers for a drop, I prayed for SPX top on Great Conjunction, portfolio to remain above 50k at all times, SPY below 360 by 30/12, my sister to have no more pressure on her head. None of these came true. Through my research I realised that JW deaths from covid were higher than the average based on the distribution of publishers they have around the world. I cannot believe in a religion where God does not answer prayer as there are many examples of prayer being answered, especially in the area of health.
