My Prayer

Dear God,

I don't know what to believe anymore.

I guess the job rejection was the tipping point. I prayed long and hard for a request that meant so much to me. This was the one job I really wanted. I put so much faith and belief into my prayers. I gave it my heart, soul and mind. Upon hearing that I was rejected, I felt shattered and hurt. My faith took a dive. I had put up with so many rejections already, and to miss out again by the slimmest of margins after I had given it so much effort in prayer and practice made it all the worse.

I rarely asked for anything this year. All I really asked for was to know you better. Many times I prayed 'Lord, just show me who you are'. But I have not received a response. I asked 'God, if I am doing something wrong, please let me know'. But I hear nothing. I have asked God for many requests in the past. But they have gone unanswered. It seems like there is no one even listening. I hear stories of other people receiving God's help in good times and times of need. But not I.

The times that my prayers have gone unanswered calls my faith into question. Sure, there have been some prayers answered. However, the things that meant the most to me, the things that I devoted the most time and effort to have eluded me. That is what hurts the most. More than the failed outcomes themselves.

I want to know you are out there God, and that you care about me. I know I am not the best person, but I try to do what is right. I want to know who you are and that you are willing to help. But it is hard to believe when my prayers go unanswered. No matter what happens I will still have some faith (re: The Search for Truth). I want to believe.

Until the true God reveals himself to me I will believe passively and may search for God through alternative means.

As I type this I feel calm and peace spreading through me. I have, to a degree, let go of the hurt and pain associated with the prayers unanswered in the past. I now wait in hope and seek for the true God who loves me and hears me.

God, please answer me.

Update (12/2/10): After another failed interview process and going through a similar process to the one described above, I find myself unsure about religion, not knowing who to turn to or trust. I don't see or hear any answers from God (I accept that a ultimatum may be testing God). I just don't know what to believe anymore.

Update (21/5/10): After discussions with religious and non-religious individuals I have the following points to take away:

• Accept and follow God’s will for our lives (and ask to know God’s will and for His wisdom). "nevertheless, not as I will, but as thou [wilt]." (not in bondage to a religion)
• Follow God's Word in order to change our destiny not the "now" (God cannot be used to fulfil our wishes).
• Release our wants and trust in God (faith). Be patient and seek God wholeheartedly (praising Him).
• Focus on myself. Many of the answers I seek are in me.

The two most important things for me are to 1) know God exists (creation/other people is not enough), and 2) have a relationship with God.