Messed

On the day I left my job my disposition shifted.

I felt a positive perception despite people not answering my calls and rejecting me.

I started to think about the maxim of maximising good instead of maximising profit. I am beginning to remember empathy, feeling, and doing good.

Work had left my body and mind messed up.

Like many, I was trapped in the cycle of self obsession and craving more. It was a never ending quest of more for myself.

At the same time, I have become desensitised by the world around me. I was becoming accustomed to and unaffected by emotion, teaching, and wrongdoing.

My mind has been all over the place. I was constantly taking in information but it was not sinking in. I read gems in this blog and then forgot about them later. One moment, I felt determined and the next I lost the drive.

It is time to leave that behind. I will go back to basics.

The Next Phase

My next phase in life is scary. I admit it.

It is daunting to jump from stability into uncertainty. Leaping into the unknown. A myriad of possibilities.

I am fully aware that there will be many highs and lows. At the same time, I am confident and optimistic knowing that I already have two of the three things to create a success*.

What I am working towards surpasses all. All my past accomplishments pale into insignificance.

The flicker of ambition has lay dormant, in a state of hibernation. Though it has dimmed, I still feel it in my heart. All it needs is dry tinder for it to be rekindled, myself reawakened.

I am going to get up. I am going to take a pounding. I am going to get up again. I am going to take a pounding. I know it is about how mentally tough I am to take the hits. To keep going when the hits come. Learning and adapting.

At the same time, I will replace these things I currently do but will make an effort to avoid when I retire (worry and get annoyed about things, get grumpy in the morning, waste time on news/internet/phone/tv, work in a job I don't like, worry about finances and the stockmarket) with these things I will do when I retire, doing them now (have a close relationship with God, be surrounded by friends and family, be smiling and appreciate life not having to worry, be fit and healthy, have travelled/travel to the most amazing places, reflect on the amazing experiences I have had in my life, made a positive difference to the lives of others).

I will convert the unproductive time into happy time (or time where I think about my goals and strategise). The way to achieve my happiness year is to lift my steady state. I haven't been actively putting in the time or effort to lifting my steady state. I am now.

* - You need three things to create a successful startup: to start with good people, to make something customers actually want, and to spend as little money as possible.

Shock to the System

It lasted 2 minutes. Maybe less.

In my dream, I was talking with my sister to put me down as 35 years old. But I was reminded by the fact that I was in my mid 40s. I looked back. I had done nothing in these past 20 odd years. I still felt like I was 20, my body hadn't changed much. I had no wife and no kids. Time just flew by and I had done nothing. It seemed as if I was in my twenties just yesterday.

I wanted to recapture my youth. But it was lost. I had wasted it all away and accomplished nothing. I said to my sister I am going to devote the rest of my life to living for God because I felt I had nothing left.

I woke up in shock.

I could easily end up like this. It greatly disturbs me. I must turn this around.

Dying alone really irks me. The post divorce dating scene is daunting.

My job is conditioning me to dislike work. To shy away from putting in the hard yards. It is debilitating.

Almost everything falls away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.

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Update (29/11/2011):

I received a second shock to the system. I was taking a shower and I starting hugging myself and getting teary. I kept thinking I don't know how long I have left on this planet. Nobody does. What if I have x amount of time left, what have I done? Will I be happy with the way I have lived?

The only thing that matters in life is life.

I kept thinking about what I had given up on. The girls I could have gone for. The holidays and adventures I could have taken. I have whittled away my life. My youth. I feel like I had squandered it.

I am leaving my job. Leaving mediocrity. It was a big decision. One I evaluated over for months. The fact is that my job is negatively affecting my important goals in life. I am getting burnt out.

I had so much ambition. So much promise.

Success Cycle

1. Do (or pivot)
2. Happy
3. Win / Fail
4. Happy
5. Learn (from measuring)
6. Happy

It is important to never lose sight of happiness.

The aim is to keep repeating this cycle and reduce the time it takes to complete a cycle. You will fail over and over again. That is why you succeed.

The Meaning of Life

There is this bigger hole I want to fill. It is not filled after my recent trip volunteering and holidaying. Does it come with money? No, I have built a small fortune but always desire more. Does it come with what makes me happy? Friends? Activities? Holidays? Girls? Running? No, they provide short term relief.

Walking along the beach or sitting by the river under the sun or having a beautiful girl doesn't cure things*. Going to the beach and talking to an attractive girl temporarily released me from my existential concerns*. They might make things better in the present moment but the overarching big question remains. 

There is this lingering emptiness that has nothing to do with loneliness*. I'm dying inside and wrecked from work, numb to the outside world. I don't feel happy or sad and this can be either positive or negative*.

The joys in life and my goals might make me happy. But they are not my love or passion. I don't feel a burning desire for them. To me, everything is meaningless. Generations come and generations go. Wealth, power, fame and influence don’t deliver lasting satisfaction or meaning in life. What do people gain from all their labours at which they toil under the sun?

I wonder what to do with my life and I want to do something that makes a big impact, but I know that nothing will (1). It is impossible to make a long term difference. Even if I build a $1 billion company, it is meaningless and insignificant in the broader scheme of things. Who will remember it in 1,000 years time? If I win a major sporting championship or write a chart topping song, who will remember it?

My life is good but I don't have something I am passionate about. I know it is not through work. What do I visualise for my future? I think it might be to travel to the remotest places in the world with a beautiful partner by my side and a business that provides continuous positive impact, but it might not be.

I am sick of my existential concerns and I may have just found the answer*.

'"You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life." - Albert Camus

Many have pondered about the meaning of life. Philosophers from Plato to Confucius have asked this question. It is a common question that is considered in religion, science, and life. There is no absolute answer to the question of the meaning of life besides God, and the subjective answer varies from person to person. Each individual creates their own subjective meaning in life, while refusing to let the human condition restrain them and recognising that life is absurd. The subjective meaning guides what you do with the life you have. However, pondering too much about meaning may lead to sadness and deprive yourself of the joy of life.

Emptiness can be positive or negative. In fact, eastern cultures believe that the true nature of the self and of the universe is sometimes identified as “emptiness” or “nothingness”. The realisation of the emptiness of inherent existence (through factors including the fear of death, the essential aloneness of the individual, and uncertainty about God, truth, or life) is believed to be key to the permanent cessation of suffering and it brings great joy.

I think that what people are seeking is not the meaning of life, but the experience of being alive. Isn't this the point of living?

"The purpose of life is to live it (verb)" so said Eleanor Roosevelt, "to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience". This is the feeling of being alive. Immersion. Truly living. Experiencing the golden rays of sunlight on my skin, fresh air in my lungs, blood pumping in my veins, sharing my life with people and the world.

Find out what the cause of your meaningless is (1). Consider what will make you look back with pride and look forward with peace, what makes you happy and what you are passionate about.

My main purpose to enjoy life. While pleasure may be an illusion and pointless, at least I like it. Futhermore, I endeavour to be fit and healthy and make a positive impact. My views are a collection of the opinions on the meaning of life.

Without God or a spiritual realm there is no real meaning. Nothing means anything. Your desires become just goals. I might reach a goal and then there's the next goal. Even if I achieve a big goal, it's meaningless. What is the point and what is there to look forward to? Without God, there's nothing. However at the same time, no-one truly knows if God exists.

Even though life may be meaningless, it doesn't make it any less enjoyable. Food is still fun to eat. Friends are still fun to laugh with. Love is just as attractive.

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Philosophers say it is through attaining the highest form of knowledge and doing good; achieving the highest good of happiness; living a life of virtue agreeing with nature; hedonist pleasures; modest pleasures; virtue and reason; being free from suffering; individual liberty; moral obligation; greatest happiness to the greatest number of people; no meaning; practical experience; one’s free will; one cannot find meaning; personal fulfillment; engaging with life; social connections and communication; the common good for all; the experience to the person; the question itself is nonsensical; underlying construction of language and structure; fulfillment of human instincts; care for nature and the environment; universal impartial love; ordinary human existence with education and relationships; practical knowledge.

Religions say it is through elevating life and serving God; good thoughts, words and deeds; believing, glorifying and loving God; worshiping and obeying God; spiritual growth and service to humanity; release of the cycle of rebirth and serving God; self-discipline; detaching oneself from cravings and attachments; meditating on God and learning; self cultivation and self realization; valuing and celebrating life; creating happiness for oneself and others.

Science says it is through pleasure, satisfaction, engagement, and contribution; replication of DNA and survival of one’s genes; origins and fate of the universe; consciousness and the mind.

Popular views say it is to realise one’s potential and ideals and accomplishments; to achieve biological perfection; to seek wisdom and knowledge; to do good and the right thing; to attain spiritual enlightenment; to love, feel and enjoy the act of living; to have power, riches, fame and be better; life has no meaning; one should not seek to know and understand the meaning of life; life is bad.

I think there is no point stressing out about the concerns of life. Instead, we should appreciate life. Rockefeller summed up the meaning of his life in these words, which I believe to be very apt -

I was early taught to work as well as play,
My life has been one long, happy holiday;
Full of work and full of play-
I dropped the worry on the way-
And God was good to me everyday.

* - August 2011, March 2013, November 2012, July 2013

Analysing Happiness

Nine days into my Happiness Year I have yet to record one happy one faced day (or a sad faced day). I took some time to analyse happiness further, to understand it on a deeper level.

Happiness can be pictured as a happiness profile over time. Your happiness profile moves up and down and tends to a steady state (how you feel on average over the long term). Each person perceives the course of a day's events with ups and downs. For someone who is euphoric, their perception of events is generally up and their steady state is positive. A happy (or sad) faced day occurs when your happiness profile is above (or below) a certain threshold.

The key to being happy is to increase your steady state or lower your threshold required for a happy faced day.

I believe that people are usually happier at the start of the year. There is an afterglow from the end of year break and many people think 'new year, new start'. I also believe that there can be momentum with happiness. People can have a run happiness or sadness for over six months, before it returns to the steady state.

I can start by breaking down the longer term goal of a Happiness Year into attempting to make each day, and in turn each moment of each day, happy. It means turning events I may perceive as a down into a neutral or even an up. I have noticed that there are often times where I feel a fleeting down moment, in some instances out of my control. For example, if I am hungry or on a crowded train, I may have a down moment. If I can turn these down moments into a neutral or a minor up, I will gradually lift my steady state higher. I can also turn moments where I feel a minor up, such as when I see a nice cloud, into a major up.

By doing this, I am attempting to excel in happiness and be the best at happiness. I have to realise that what I am doing is contrarian and that the average person's steady state may be around a neutral. However, I am trying to be better, to be on the 99th percentile of happiness, and this means not perceiving events in the same way that people on average may perceive them.

By being happy, it does not mean that I am not motivated or driven. It means I am those things and happy.

This week also served as a reminder to me that after a long week working and socialising, work and trading are not for me. I have no happy faced days. It has negatively affected my other goals in life. I feel drained, dispirited, and wasting my life, despite being in a good position, having a good job, and trading well. I am not living the way I want. And that has to change. Starting now.

Happiness Year

It had always been a goal of mine to live a 'Happiness Year'. An year dedicated to the pursuit of happiness. Like some difficult things, I had always put it off, delayed it until the time felt 'right'. Problem is sometimes that time never comes.

Today marks the first day of my Happiness Year. I know it is not an easy task where you simply flick on a happiness switch. There will be good times and bad times. The idea is to make each time a happy time. I see it akin to re-wiring the brain to be in a happy state of mind, being positive and optimistic, despite the situation you are in. I will have to read up on the principles I have learnt and train myself to be happy.

(In this Happiness Year, my goal is to have a happy faced day each week. I aim to achieve 50 happy faced days to 5 sad faced days.)

Perhaps at the end of this year I will decide that it is something I want to continue. Let the year begin.

Turning Point

I recently reached a turning point in my life.

The turning point arose from the events of the past month where I accomplished a long term goal and made real progress on a few others, the (Requiem For A Dream) which led to me (Defining The Dream), and (Putting It All Together) where I took time to evaluate the direction that I want to go with my life.

I discovered that life is about maxmising utility. I will embody this new way of thinking in an audacious goal of living a 'happiness year' where I will devote a whole year to living happy.

I know how easy it is to forget about the importance of maximising utility. Even after writing these words I lost sight of what life is about while I was trading. To remember to never lose sight of this, it will form one of my life purposes.

As long as I am alive, as long as the sun keeps coming up every morning, I know I'll still be happy.

Putting It All Together

Isn't life just about maximising utility (relative satisfaction, or as I put it, the ratio of happy to sad faced days)? In so doing, living the dream?

Life is about doing what makes me happy and makes me feel good, loving God, myself, and others unconditionally (re: Self Worth / Who I Am). It is not about how happy I make others feel, least of all some random girl, or hating which doesn't do myself or others any good.

My happiness or utility is of utmost importance. It's all for this. One must be mindful that there are other important values in life too, happiness differs from one person to another, and that happiness refers to both the short term and the long term (one may be doing something that makes them unhappy in the short term if they expect it to provide longer term happiness). One must also understand that the ability to realise one's full potential, thereby offering wider scope of options to maximise utility, applies to people at the top level of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. While I have been generally happy, I have spent too long living below my potential.

From experience, (What Makes Me Happy) has been pretty consistent over time and matches the findings in (Happiness). The Coke Happiness Ambassadors found that family and friends, music and dance, sports particularly football, and food are what makes people from around the world happy. Studies show that making love (+12.9 / 91), sport and exercise (+6.5 / 77), and music and dance (+6.2 / 73) [theatre and concerts, talking and conversation, playing, singing and performing and listening to music] make people happy (Mappiness app / Science magazine). While commuting (-2.0 / 62), home computer (61), working and studying (-1.9 / 59), care for adults (-4.0), unpleasant mind wandering, rest, waiting, queueing (-4.1 /48), and being sick in bed (-19.7) make people unhappy. Surveys also show that health is more important than income for happiness.

In terms of life satisfaction, the equivalent monetary benefit or loss per year of different contributors are: health (+$463,000), better social life (+$131,000), marriage (+$105,000), seeing friends and family regularly (+$97,000), divorce (-$34,000), unemployment (-$114,000), separation (-$255,000), death of a spouse (-$309,000). 6 of the 8 are solely about relationships.

Income (+0.18), education (+0.08), health (7.9/10) and marriage (+0.06 / 7.8/10) contribute to happiness [1], [2]. In terms of work, students (7.8/10) and the retired (7.8/10) are the most happy, voluntary part-time workers (+0.02) and the self-employed (+0.02) are happy, while the unemployed (-0.08) were most unhappy.

I don't want to fall into the trap of the U shape pattern of well-being where happiness declines from the early 20s to the early 50s then rebounding in older age. The midlife slump in satisfaction that people experience is equivalent in magnitude to the influence of a major life event like unemployment or marital separation. [1]

Life is a game of statistics. Improve your odds by practising and testing outcomes, learning from experiences, speaking to experts, and playing to your strengths. Evaluate each major decision with the aim of maximising short term and long term expected utility. Take a step back and think about the scenarios before you act while considering different points of view. Evaluate the best case, worst case, and 50th percentile scenarios while assessing benefits, costs and risk (re: No Regrets).

The Power of Thought

It's our thinking, not our circumstances, that determines how we feel.

William James, the father of American psychology, once said, "Thinking is the grand originator of our experience". As we think about something, we feel the effects of our thoughts.

Every experience and perception in life is based on thought. Our thoughts and consequent actions are shaped by ourselves, what we learn, and the world around us. We have innocently learned to interpret our thoughts as if they were reality, but thought is merely an ability that we have. We are the thinkers (the ones who produce) those thoughts. As Shakespeare said, '"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so". An example of this is the placebo effect, which shows that placebos can have real, measurable effects on physiological changes in the brain.

When we realize that thinking is an ability rather than a reality we can dismiss negative thoughts that pass through. As we do so, we can maintain a positive feeling of happiness, because we no longer feel compelled to seriously follow every train of thought that comes into our heads.

In The Beginning

As a species on this planet our lives are insignificant. In relative terms, our time on this planet and the scale of our achievement is nothing.

We live in a universe that is difficult to comprehend. Our sun is one of an estimated 300 billion stars in the Milky Way that is approximately 100,000 light years across. Astronomers estimate there are 500 billion galaxies in the universe. This does not include the countless number of planets and other celestial bodies in the expanse that is space.

At the other end of the scale, current thinking is that fermions (quarks and leptons) and bosons form the elementary particles of matter. Then there is antimatter and dark matter, which have yet to be explored [1].

In the infinity of space and the infinity of time infinitely small particles mutate with infinite complexity.

Sometimes we may get caught up in thinking that the world revolves around us. Yet, so much about the world we live in is unknown. Let alone the universe or what lies beyond.

Focus on the Goal

What I have achieved so far is nothing relatively speaking. I have made no significant accomplishment and there are still things I should be good at doing.

To go where I want to go, it is essential that I go for my goals and believe I will achieve them. I must know what I have to do each day and have a winning attitude remembering that almost everything I want to do has been done before.

With goals, it is best to have a maximum of 1-2 main goals to focus on. This increases the likelihood of achieving them. 

Goals may change and some things that are important to me now may not be important to me in the future. I know that I have to keep my goals flexible and the possibilities open. I also endeavour to expand my perspective by doing things I am not good at and don't necessarily love, in order to behave better.

I have to remember to not dwell on the past, let anything get to me, or place unnecessary pressure on myself. Yesterday is history. The nights lying in bed crying about girls. The nights walking home alone talking to myself about finding the dream job and shouting in agony in the bathroom. This heartbreaking year of posting on sites and waiting but nothing happening. The number of interviews and interview practice. I have to re-frame the negative situations to something positive and see what I learnt.

I have to focus on what I can do. I have to learn from the past and pay heed to the lens of history. I have to be mindful of momentum. I have to remember what matters most to me and not let that get pushed aside.

Defining the Dream

To live the dream, you must know what the dream is.

It is with this in mind that I set out to define my dream. What does my dream day look like? What is the dream life that I want to live day in, day out? What is my end goal? (Re: A Reflection and Regrets)

I penned down these ideas of how it might look and tied it to what makes me happy, with the overarching theme being to 'Enjoy life and serve God' (Re: Big Picture / What Makes Me Happy? / Who I Am):

• Friends - laughter with friends, happy and successful children
• Holidays - travelling to beautiful places, exploring and discovering (feeling excitement, adventure)
• Activities - amazing experiences (when a moment takes over, ASOT 500, a tender kiss, top restaurants, cars, ok, I want to drive a Ferrari around racetracks, jetski, surf, win a sport, do community work, start a hedge fund, run a marathon, trek to the poles, sing in front of crowds, swim with whale sharks)
• Contentment - every breath is beautiful (a breath of happiness, joy, peace, love), minimalistic, relaxed, taking time out, being in control of life, released from all worry, help (environmental charities)
• Game - loving hot girls, good marriage
• Exercise - cycling, keeping fit and healthy

As current examples, it can be riding a motorcycle along the countryside in Vietnam with good friends and my girlfriend beside me or chilling out with good company at a party in a New York disco. In my future dream I have a wife and two kids with my immediate family and friends, an Audi S8, living in the south of France and Australia with the time to travel, feeling relaxed.

It takes initiative - otherwise I can be trapped in the dream, but not living it.

I also researched what the billionaire lifestyle is like so I can incorporate some of that into my activities in the future - yachts, jets, elite rental cars, high end daily car, luxury islands, submarines, helicopters, space, parties, fine dining, activities (such as fitness, fishing, hunting, photography, spas), owning sports clubs, personal assistants, chefs, wives and mistresses, elite school for kids, five star hotels, travelling round the world, Riviera villa, London house, Alpine ski resort and chalet or palace.

I ask myself. What will you think when you look back? What are the best times of your life?

Is it the job or work you did, the money you accumulated? Or is it these moments, experiences, friends and family? Why not do what you want when you want and live the dream? As Bon Jovi said 'It's My Life'.

Never Give Up

While playing Racer, a racing game, I learnt a simple truth. I had played this game over 100 times but could not clock it. Then, one thing changed and I won. The one thing was a switch in mindset:

Do everything I can to win. I am not going to take it [the alternative].

This principle applies to other areas too. I thought about it today as I was running. I was physically aching, my body felt slow and my feet seemed to be dragging. I asked myself the question, am I going to give up or am I going to do everything I can not to stop.

Winston Churchill summed it up best when he said: “Never give in, never give in, never; never; never; never - in nothing, great or small, large or petty - never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense.”

At every corner, do your best. There is no complacency, it's not a race to survive. You are there to win.

Kamikaze

The news of the Fukushima nuclear plant employees battling to cool the stricken reactor from meltdown is extraordinary and disturbing. It brings to mind the depths of the human spirit.

These workers who face near certain death from radiation likely understand what they are putting themselves under. However, they continue to go through with their ordeal, knowing they will live the remainder of their lives in such brutal and inhumane conditions and die in suffering.

What state of mind causes people to do this? To place country over self, the lives of others over their own. I cannot answer this question, perhaps it was forced upon them, perhaps it was an obligation of their work, perhaps it was a higher cause. This incident also brought home the thinking that go through suicide bombers, matyrs, soldiers who sacrifice their lives and in many cases what a tragedy it is to see life cut short.

Requiem For A Dream

In the quietness of the night, I enter psychological breakdown. It all started earlier when I attempted to clearly define my dream*. Then the questions appeared.

Time just passes. Tick. Tick. Tick.

{**} I am becoming deluded. Paranoid.

There's no time to hit the pause button. It is a constant go. A whirlwind rush. Playing with the mind can be more dangerous than playing with the body.

Don't feel. Don't think. I think but it's not me. It's me in this system.

Do I feel sad? No. Do I feel happy? No.

I am content. But it hides trouble.

I hold my head in my hands. Finally some reprieve.

It has been forever since I had a break. Yoga provides temporary respite.

I have let myself down. Partly because of the issues stemming from (It Wasn't Meant To Be Like This (2)), partly from the time and effort I have pored into the business and work.

But it is not my dream.

Tears rolled down my cheeks. Pent up despair. I know I can't keep doing this to myself. But I do. Where I slowly self-destruct. Short term craving***. Long term aching.

What happened to morality? To having a clear head? Seductively clear, but not clear.

To my dream?

Striving. Striving. But what am I working towards? What is my dream life? What can I do now to live it [slash] work towards it?

Lyrics play. I need you to rescue me from my destiny. Interlude. Life is what we make of it.

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* I have to live my dream everyday - there is no other way to live.

** time shift to years

*** for money

Revolution in the Arab World

What started as a college graduate's protest after his store was confiscated by police sparked public dissonance on the streets of Tunisia. After years of authoritarian political rule, corruption and high unemployment, demonstrators overthrew the government in dramatic scenes.

These protests have since inspired similar uprisings across the Arab word, leading to the toppling of the Mubarak government in Egypt and spreading to Libya, Bahrain, Yemen, and other neighbouring countries. In countries such as Libya, the protests have become increasingly bloody.

The political landscape looks set to change in these countries as the unrest escalates. However, it is uncertain what will eventually happen to these countries and their future prospects. With rising food prices and a regional water crisis, difficult issues will have to be confronted in the near future.

Recommended Websites

A list of my recommended websites:

World

Boston Big Picture - http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/
The Atlantic In Focus - http://www.theatlantic.com/infocus/
ChartsBin - http://chartsbin.com/
Gapminder - http://www.gapminder.org/
NASA Astronomy Picture of the Day - http://apod.nasa.gov/apod/archivepix.html

Economics and Finance

Bloomberg - http://www.bloomberg.com/
RBA Chart Pack - http://www.rba.gov.au/chart-pack/index.html
Kohler's Graphs - http://www.eurekareport.com.au/graphs/list

Reddit Startups - http://www.reddit.com/r/startups/
Financial Samurai - http://www.financialsamurai.com/

Strategy

Harvard Business Review - http://hbr.org/
McKinsey Quarterly - http://www.mckinseyquarterly.com/home.aspx
Strategy+Business - http://www.strategy-business.com/