Shock to the System

It lasted 2 minutes. Maybe less.

In my dream, I was talking with my sister to put me down as 35 years old. But I was reminded by the fact that I was in my mid 40s. I looked back. I had done nothing in these past 20 odd years. I still felt like I was 20, my body hadn't changed much. I had no wife and no kids. Time just flew by and I had done nothing. It seemed as if I was in my twenties just yesterday.

I wanted to recapture my youth. But it was lost. I had wasted it all away and accomplished nothing. I said to my sister I am going to devote the rest of my life to living for God because I felt I had nothing left.

I woke up in shock.

I could easily end up like this. It greatly disturbs me. I must turn this around.

Dying alone really irks me. The post divorce dating scene is daunting.

My job is conditioning me to dislike work. To shy away from putting in the hard yards. It is debilitating.

Almost everything falls away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.

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Update (29/11/2011):

I received a second shock to the system. I was taking a shower and I starting hugging myself and getting teary. I kept thinking I don't know how long I have left on this planet. Nobody does. What if I have x amount of time left, what have I done? Will I be happy with the way I have lived?

The only thing that matters in life is life.

I kept thinking about what I had given up on. The girls I could have gone for. The holidays and adventures I could have taken. I have whittled away my life. My youth. I feel like I had squandered it.

I am leaving my job. Leaving mediocrity. It was a big decision. One I evaluated over for months. The fact is that my job is negatively affecting my important goals in life. I am getting burnt out.

I had so much ambition. So much promise.