Emotional Change

I am now agnostic, indifferent, and aspire to cultivate joy.

I had a range of emotions I felt when I was growing up:

• Inflated ego
• Superiority complex, I believed I was better than others even if it were not true
• Cheating, I would do anything to win even if it meant breaking the rules
• Low self esteem
• Anger, I kept count of what good and bad things other kids did to me and would play out situations of revenge
• Attached, I would easily be affected and feel hurt from other people's words and actions, particularly if I was bullied
• Needy, I wanted the approval of others and would chase girls too far
• Closed, I didn't like to talk about myself, reveal information I knew to others, and I never admitted failure or anything that would make me look bad
• Shy, I was fearful of talking to people and would let others take control
• Afraid, I was scared of the supernatural and of unfamiliar situations
• Volatile, my emotions would fluctuate quickly from happy to sad
• Competitive, I viewed everything as a competition and hated losing
• Compulsive, I suffered from an obsessive compulsive disorder to make sure everything is perfect
• Curious, I would always want to find out the answers or search for material that was restricted from me

I learnt that I need to think for a few minutes before I act, particularly when I am emotional, so that I don't make rash emotion based decisions.

Related to this I had a lot of varying interests when I was growing. Among these were watches, multi-functional devices, maps, caravans (home-cars), stories (gimmy family and toys), mazes, trivia, economic charts, tv shows, math races, anatomy, home and garden, national geographic, and music.

Accepting the Agnostic

After praying to God for four months and failing to receive a response on my purpose in life and career, I have walked away from my faith.

At the start of the period, I believed that there was a 50% chance that I would find a new career irrespective of God. I was going through one of the saddest periods of my life and prayed the biggest prayer I had ever prayed. I said that everything in my life is coming to a head. I knew that my current job was not my purpose and I asked God to direct to me to what God wills for my life. If God exists, I believed that God would show me a way for my life and I was willing to accept whatever God wills for me. I knew that I could definitely find a new job in whatever path that may be, and God would just make it happen faster. I did all I could do on my part - I went for every job I could, I earnestly sought after God, I put my faith in God and did what was right, I admitted my flaws and repented, I took on the feedback from (My Prayer). The failure was the final straw after a string of three failed prayers for a new career and other major unanswered prayers.

If there is one thing I wanted more than anything else, it was to know that God is real and cares. If there is one thing that I pray for, it is to say that I know God. Without God, I believe that everything is meaningless and has no real purpose. Deep down I wanted to believed, but I cannot believe in a God that doesn't exist or care. I don't want to live in a world where everything major that I pray for is disregarded by God. If I can't trust God to provide for this small thing, how can I trust God with my life?

Religion had defined me from an early age. It is difficult removing myself from the notion of God and starting afresh. As an outsider, I see that most believers and myself included never experience true joy, even though those in the faith are said to be characterised by joy.

Despite being agnostic, I will always have some faith and I am open minded about the universe but I haven't personally seen any evidence for God.

Update (March 2017): I believe there is an encompassing spiritual entity, not connected to man-made doctrine of formal religion. For example, formal religions argue against cigarettes. I pray to that spiritual entity present inside the universe and all beings. I pray for wisdom and the right course of action.

Update (December 2020): I still have a desire to believe deep inside. I want to believe there is something greater than our lives out there. I prayed to Jesus and the Father but I received the opposite of what I prayed for. I was praying to finally be right with making investment decisions and instead as of this, today I am at the lowest level ever for my investments. The market crash I believed in last month (and the months prior) never materialised, my sister still has pressures in her head and I don't think the doctors really attended to her especially initially when they disregarded me. I read the Bible without answers. I feel like almost giving up again, I will give it until Monday. 

If I were to believe in a faith I believe the adherents should not be destroyed by natural disasters and that miracles that are deemed impossible by others should be possible.

Relgion may increase lifespan by up to 4 years but it is uncertain [1, 2, 3]