As more of my friends get married and upon continual insistence from my family, I feel peer pressure to find a suitable girl and get married.
I wanted to get married some day. In part, it was because it was the thing to do. In my mind, I always expected that I would settle down.
Lately, I have been thinking about it more and weighing up where I want to take my personal relationships. Currently I want to make the most of my single life and have fun with girls. I have no inclination to settle down. Although, I believe this will change as I grow older.
There are benefits with being single. I enjoy the thrill of the chase and connecting with new girls, particularly when the feelings are shared. I can travel when and where I want. It is less likely that the girl will have the time and money to be able to travel extensively with me if I settle down. I can meet young girls that I, and most men are more attracted to, whereas I am afraid that I will not be sexually attracted to a girl when she grows old.
I need to listen to my true self. The last thing I want is to settle down too soon and suffer a mid-life crisis due to divorce or regret. I will miss it when it's gone and all the money in the world won't buy me the year I was 25, 30 or 35.
On the flip side, there are girls I like but there are few and far between. I am picky. I am only attracted to a few girls. I spend a lot of my time looking and half the girls I am interested in have boyfriends. It is better to settle down if I am not achieving what I want with my single life. I also desire a deeper connection and feel a longing for more if I am interested in a girl.
I know marriage is a big decision. I have to choose wisely and look for traits such as love and faithfulness in addition to playfulness and adventurousness. Studies have shown that women who have more non-marital sexual partners are more likely to divorce and more likely to be unhappy in marriage. Factors that reduce the risk of divorce include: age of marriage being over 25, age of first sexual experience being over 18, birth of first child after 8 months of marriage, Asian ethnicity (as opposed to black), a bachelor's degree or higher education [1], deciding to live together with a view to marriage (as opposed to sliding into co-habitation), and a formal wedding ceremony. I also have to note that for a lot of couples, the amount of sex declines after the second child. Divorce rates are also on the rise [1a]. It is better to marry a woman from a country where the divorce rate is not high (ranked by percentage) [1b, 1c]. It is better to choose the profession of a woman wisely too [1d]. It is better to marry a woman from a country that ages well.
The most stable romantic relationships and marriages are those in which one party is dominant. It is important to me that I find a girl who is subordinate to me and likes me more than I like her. She will be there for me through thick and thin and provide the compassion, understanding and unconditional love that a spouse should have for the other no matter what.
Happy relationships are characterised by the quality of their friendship with each other. Happy couples share 5 positive experiences for every negative one. Positive interactions include giving compliments, showing appreciation, reliving a memory and doing something nice for each other. Happy couples talk more. They make time for intimacy and have sex a few times a week. They share new experiences together. They respond to triumphs with enthusiasm, questions and congratulations. They respond to arguments with humour, affection, and concession on certain points [2].
Around 40% of marriages end in divorce. Almost half of marriages have had divorce initiated. 70% of divorces are initiated by women. Divorce is equivalent to a $9,000 loss for women compared with a $110,000 loss for men (in 2009 dollar amounts). In comparison, marriage provides a $16,000 benefit for women compared with a $32,000 benefit for men. Divorce is worse than remaining single because it is financially destructive and psychologically damaging. Many divorces occur because of unreasonable expectations, with contempt and criticism being the biggest predictors of divorce [3].
I will have to get a pre-nuptial agreement covering children when I marry. My parents divorced and I have experienced girls breaking my heart on more than one occasion. A lot of girls are self-interested and treat me with no respect. There are many bad people in this world and it is not easy to know what someone is like beneath the surface. I read about a woman who was unfaithful and divorced her husband as he was not making her feel 'special' after 20 years of marriage despite him being a good husband and father, having a good job, undertaking most of the domestic duties, and helping with the children. I can lose half or more of the wealth I accumulated in the event of a divorce. I need to check with a lawyer in obtaining a binding financial agreement and consent orders stamped by the court, documenting that both parties received independent legal advice before signing the agreement to reduce the risk of a challenge.
I know that I want a girl to grow old with, even as a companion. I don't want to be alone when I am old. Some single people get swindled, and it is easier to get swindled when one is older and not as savvy. In the long term, it is good to have someone there to share experiences with. Relationships magnify experiences. Studies show that marriage is good for the children, health, and happiness. I also want to be a father at some stage.
A UK survey found that on a scale of 0 to 10, married people were on average 0.14 points happier than co-habiting couples, 0.3 points happier than single people and 0.4 points happier than those who were divorced or separated. In the US, the well-being of married people was also higher than single, divorced and separated people.
I realise it is up to me. I decide what I want to do. I know that right now I have no desire to settle down. I want to make the most of being single. I want to live out my dreams and not live in regret from settling down too soon.
---
A side note on platonic relationships.
I understand the value of good friendships and the happiness and sense of connection they bring. Good friendships take time to build and requires active engagement to nurture. It is easier to build such relationships through a centralised community such as school, university, a work program, or an interest group.
Often priorities and interests change and good friends may drift apart and meet less frequently. This is more likely to occur when a friend settles down, has children or moves overseas. Research shows that falling in love comes at the cost of losing two close friends.
Friendships have been the biggest contributor to my happiness. However, I am in less contact with my close friends. I can choose to actively seek out new friends and/or rekindle old friendships, although the latter is not easy to do as my friends are in long term relationships and are busier with work and family. I can also choose to focus on other drivers of happiness.
As for the majority of friends and acquaintances, they come and go all the time. I don't even remember some of the friends I had in the past.
Most people just worry about their day to day. I don't know people who reflect on their past moments. Old friends don't contact me anymore.
Most men lose friends and become increasingly lonely after they turn 30 as work, family and other commitments eat up their time. 25% of men have few or no social connections, and loneliness and isolation is common in men between the ages of 30 and 65 [4]. Our social networks shrink from age 25, with the pool of friends a person has getting smaller and smaller as the years go by. Loneliness is also an epidemic among young adults and a problem for older people [5]. The effects are huge. Social isolation is as potent a cause of early death as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Loneliness is twice as deadly as obesity. It is imperative to get relationships right, for the sake of health as well as living a happy life.
---
On family and children.
Parents usually think that their child will be better than average. This is unrealistic. Even if they end up above average in the system, it will likely be in a white collar position that they dislike. It is more likely that your child will end up committing suicide or being locked up in jail or having a mishap than becoming a superstar, although being a superstar is not the goal of having children.
Families may break up. There are many instances of children not seeing their parents, parents not seeing their children, and separated couples never seeing each other again.
I wanted to get married some day. In part, it was because it was the thing to do. In my mind, I always expected that I would settle down.
Lately, I have been thinking about it more and weighing up where I want to take my personal relationships. Currently I want to make the most of my single life and have fun with girls. I have no inclination to settle down. Although, I believe this will change as I grow older.
There are benefits with being single. I enjoy the thrill of the chase and connecting with new girls, particularly when the feelings are shared. I can travel when and where I want. It is less likely that the girl will have the time and money to be able to travel extensively with me if I settle down. I can meet young girls that I, and most men are more attracted to, whereas I am afraid that I will not be sexually attracted to a girl when she grows old.
I need to listen to my true self. The last thing I want is to settle down too soon and suffer a mid-life crisis due to divorce or regret. I will miss it when it's gone and all the money in the world won't buy me the year I was 25, 30 or 35.
On the flip side, there are girls I like but there are few and far between. I am picky. I am only attracted to a few girls. I spend a lot of my time looking and half the girls I am interested in have boyfriends. It is better to settle down if I am not achieving what I want with my single life. I also desire a deeper connection and feel a longing for more if I am interested in a girl.
I know marriage is a big decision. I have to choose wisely and look for traits such as love and faithfulness in addition to playfulness and adventurousness. Studies have shown that women who have more non-marital sexual partners are more likely to divorce and more likely to be unhappy in marriage. Factors that reduce the risk of divorce include: age of marriage being over 25, age of first sexual experience being over 18, birth of first child after 8 months of marriage, Asian ethnicity (as opposed to black), a bachelor's degree or higher education [1], deciding to live together with a view to marriage (as opposed to sliding into co-habitation), and a formal wedding ceremony. I also have to note that for a lot of couples, the amount of sex declines after the second child. Divorce rates are also on the rise [1a]. It is better to marry a woman from a country where the divorce rate is not high (ranked by percentage) [1b, 1c]. It is better to choose the profession of a woman wisely too [1d]. It is better to marry a woman from a country that ages well.
The most stable romantic relationships and marriages are those in which one party is dominant. It is important to me that I find a girl who is subordinate to me and likes me more than I like her. She will be there for me through thick and thin and provide the compassion, understanding and unconditional love that a spouse should have for the other no matter what.
Happy relationships are characterised by the quality of their friendship with each other. Happy couples share 5 positive experiences for every negative one. Positive interactions include giving compliments, showing appreciation, reliving a memory and doing something nice for each other. Happy couples talk more. They make time for intimacy and have sex a few times a week. They share new experiences together. They respond to triumphs with enthusiasm, questions and congratulations. They respond to arguments with humour, affection, and concession on certain points [2].
Around 40% of marriages end in divorce. Almost half of marriages have had divorce initiated. 70% of divorces are initiated by women. Divorce is equivalent to a $9,000 loss for women compared with a $110,000 loss for men (in 2009 dollar amounts). In comparison, marriage provides a $16,000 benefit for women compared with a $32,000 benefit for men. Divorce is worse than remaining single because it is financially destructive and psychologically damaging. Many divorces occur because of unreasonable expectations, with contempt and criticism being the biggest predictors of divorce [3].
I will have to get a pre-nuptial agreement covering children when I marry. My parents divorced and I have experienced girls breaking my heart on more than one occasion. A lot of girls are self-interested and treat me with no respect. There are many bad people in this world and it is not easy to know what someone is like beneath the surface. I read about a woman who was unfaithful and divorced her husband as he was not making her feel 'special' after 20 years of marriage despite him being a good husband and father, having a good job, undertaking most of the domestic duties, and helping with the children. I can lose half or more of the wealth I accumulated in the event of a divorce. I need to check with a lawyer in obtaining a binding financial agreement and consent orders stamped by the court, documenting that both parties received independent legal advice before signing the agreement to reduce the risk of a challenge.
A UK survey found that on a scale of 0 to 10, married people were on average 0.14 points happier than co-habiting couples, 0.3 points happier than single people and 0.4 points happier than those who were divorced or separated. In the US, the well-being of married people was also higher than single, divorced and separated people.
I realise it is up to me. I decide what I want to do. I know that right now I have no desire to settle down. I want to make the most of being single. I want to live out my dreams and not live in regret from settling down too soon.
---
A side note on platonic relationships.
I understand the value of good friendships and the happiness and sense of connection they bring. Good friendships take time to build and requires active engagement to nurture. It is easier to build such relationships through a centralised community such as school, university, a work program, or an interest group.
Often priorities and interests change and good friends may drift apart and meet less frequently. This is more likely to occur when a friend settles down, has children or moves overseas. Research shows that falling in love comes at the cost of losing two close friends.
Friendships have been the biggest contributor to my happiness. However, I am in less contact with my close friends. I can choose to actively seek out new friends and/or rekindle old friendships, although the latter is not easy to do as my friends are in long term relationships and are busier with work and family. I can also choose to focus on other drivers of happiness.
As for the majority of friends and acquaintances, they come and go all the time. I don't even remember some of the friends I had in the past.
Most people just worry about their day to day. I don't know people who reflect on their past moments. Old friends don't contact me anymore.
Most men lose friends and become increasingly lonely after they turn 30 as work, family and other commitments eat up their time. 25% of men have few or no social connections, and loneliness and isolation is common in men between the ages of 30 and 65 [4]. Our social networks shrink from age 25, with the pool of friends a person has getting smaller and smaller as the years go by. Loneliness is also an epidemic among young adults and a problem for older people [5]. The effects are huge. Social isolation is as potent a cause of early death as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Loneliness is twice as deadly as obesity. It is imperative to get relationships right, for the sake of health as well as living a happy life.
---
On family and children.
Parents usually think that their child will be better than average. This is unrealistic. Even if they end up above average in the system, it will likely be in a white collar position that they dislike. It is more likely that your child will end up committing suicide or being locked up in jail or having a mishap than becoming a superstar, although being a superstar is not the goal of having children.
Families may break up. There are many instances of children not seeing their parents, parents not seeing their children, and separated couples never seeing each other again.
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