I fucked up.
The last two years were meant to be the years where I lived the life I dreamt about and took it easy. Instead, I was pre-occupied with money. I spent my time searching for property, doing renovations, obtaining finance, and trading. Things that I did not truly desire. I had few dates. Yes, there have been some positives. I was generally more happy being retired than I was working. I spent around 12 months travelling, which was enjoyable but not my real objective. I won a football championship. I worked out and I spent time with family. However, deep down I know that I am in a mess sexually. Even though I have had good times, I had too many tough times.
I am particularly disappointed with trading. I almost killed the remaining cash I had in my bank through trading. I lost $25,000 through a series of stupid decisions in one single day. I then borrowed $10,000 on my credit card to try and recoup some of the losses and whittled that down to $3,000, before I fortunately regained my $10,000, which I promptly withdrew. However, my total trading losses since I started in 2009 exceed $85,000.
What is even worse is the psychological toll from the disappointment and the sadness I felt from trading. I have had a 5:1 sad to happy face day ratio while trading. I was sad for 84% of days that I felt happy or sad when I was trading. Even when I was making money I had more sad days than happy days. Financial matters accounted for a whopping 67% of my unhappiness since retiring. This is even higher than the 50% of my unhappiness due to work while I was working. It is unbelievable that I am devoting my finite time on this planet to sadness when I already have a fairly comfortable retirement lifestyle and there is no chance of making a billion through trading.
There's been so much hurt. This latest episode hasn't lasted long, less than one year in fact. But the pain; the opportunity cost is raw. I tell myself 'take the pain away from me and end the suffering in my heart and soul'. However, it's not as simple as saying that I will turn over a new page. I have been constantly seduced. In fact, in 2016 I told myself 'Stop trading forever. The fees kill all profit. It’s taking time away from my life and my goals. It’s not making me happy.'. I told myself that trading is too time consuming and that I can be out doing something I like, not looking at the computer or phone all day long and wrecking my social life. However, I got seduced by a certain stock last year and reactivated my trading account and put money in to leverage on that stock forgetting the fact that whenever I have money in my trading account after some time I get tempted to make other trades as well as forgetting the sadness, the time commitment, the opportunity cost, and the fees.
What nailed it home for me and I believe will end my trading was when I remembered that there are no billionaires I am aware of that got there just by trading their own money. The billionaires in this line of work who got there are running funds that invest other people's money. I was never going to be a billionaire trading my own money so I am going to stop. Why waste my precious time trading? You cannot become a billionaire through trading your own money because the more capital you have the harder it is to deploy (you can't take multi million dollar day positions easily in most stocks) and you can't have compounded returns. Similarly, I will not even become a millionaire, let alone a billionaire, trading cryptocurrency at this stage of the game. I am only willing to lose (or put in) $10,000 and you need to 100x to make a million which is not happening. I could have made $250,000 when I went in two years ago but my friend closed my position, but not a million or more. As the billionaire tables prove, a 20% return that can scale beats 200% that can't scale every time. Regardless, only such a tiny proportion of traders can even dream of 200% returns as studies have shown that 80% of traders lose money [1][2][3][4][5][6].
Despite the trading disaster, I learnt some valuable lessons. I learnt that I cannot put any funds from the sale of property into trading, which I was contemplating last year. I cannot believe I was seriously considering putting more money in. Based on my past experience, no matter how much I make, I will most likely lose it all from an emotionally ladened trade that goes wrong. I have lost it all five times trading CFDs and I promised myself I would stop trading in 2016 but then deposited more funds in. I learnt that the investor I respect that tripled his funds in 2017 used a standard brokerage account and does not do CFDs. I learnt that I have to continually withdraw money from trading instead of always depositing money in and losing it because with one poor decision all the funds I have can be wiped out in an instant. I now admit that I won't put any more money in and will simply put money into a standard brokerage account with some leverage instead and hold for the long term. I am also glad I found this out now instead of retiring at 70 and then getting lured into trading and wasting all my final years trading. I also remember that it's not over for my investing as I believe I can make way more than the amount I lost through share investing.
The amount of money I had in my trading account is minuscule. I was spending 90% of my time thinking about increasing the 1% of my wealth that I had in my trading account. Even if it increases 5 times, it only represents 5% of my wealth. It is idiotic and illogical. I should focus on the other 99% of my wealth instead, such as any funds freed up from a sale of property.
The bigger issue now is my dating life. I am now in my early 30s and I want to marry in my late 30s. Time is ticking. What am I waiting for? There will always be time to earn more money if I wish, but there is a time limitation on my dating life.
Students get tutors to improve their studies. Sports players get coaches. I cannot expect results if I repeatedly do the same thing over and over again. Practice will help, such as when I was continually putting myself out there in sales, but the improvement will be faster with coaching. For example, if I practice tennis on a fortnightly basis my level of tennis would only improve gradually. Similarly, watching tennis videos or watching motivational videos may drive some incremental improvement. However, I need to transform.
I know that my most recent travels have not made me happy. I know that dating is my priority and I need to devote time to practice and getting coaching.
I don't want to die. This is effectively what has happened with my focus on money and lack of focus on dating. It is do or die now as I wish to marry in my late 30s. I remember the times getting motivated when I walked around a park near my home vowing action, watching a tennis final and feeling inspired, and playing Bon Jovi songs to get fired up, but the motivation quickly dissipated afterwards. I remember the times I had girls reject me for another guy and it is incredibly heartbreaking and shows me that my game is not good enough. I know I have to go for it 100%. I expect two dates a week. I don't want to waste my life for the pursuit of wealth as my ego will never rest until I achieve immortality. I have to focus on my life instead.
---
A large part of the past 3 years of retired life have not gone the way I would have liked.
I have 8 years remaining until I am 40. I need to remember that. I need to choose how I allocate my time wisely.
I need to get up off the mat. Accept that I got hit but not let that take me down. I will get back up and fight. I put the bad things aside and move forward towards my goals, knowing I cannot take money with me to the grave. By moving towards my goals, I will invest time and energy in things that matter most tome.
I remind myself that I only wasted 1 year. 1 out of 80 years of my life. It's like Steve Smith losing 1 year. I still have plenty of life left and I probably will reap improved cash flow from the 1 year that was gone, so effectively it is similar to working 1 year
I acknowledge the pain and lessons learned with trading, low cash flow, not going for my goals. I acknowledge that I must not ever get into a situation of low cash reserves again because I won't have enough for a sudden emergency that may arise. I need to have at least 50k in liquid instruments at all times to deal with any unexpected contingencies, instead of having in all locked away in property.
I missed the whole point of what I wrote in (Music and Life).
How much of my time (being my life) do I want to allocate to this?
I read this and I will do the same thing and commit to it:
I’m at a 10 always regardless of my situation. I’ve promised myself and signed a contract that stipulates, “I will live in pure happiness, joy and godly appreciation in every moment of my life regardless of what is happening.” In other words I’ve 100% removed any dependence on the situation, whether it’s people, places, things, work, my body and all events going on in my life. There are always things happening in our lives, as that’s life. Let go of judging things right and wrong, good and bad and you have more than happiness, you have true inner peace. Even when I have emotions of sadness and moments of anger, there’s an underlying happiness that I get to experience these emotions and it passes right through me and then back to peace, love and appreciation. Like everything, the more you do this the better you get at it. Start with daily journaling.
The last two years were meant to be the years where I lived the life I dreamt about and took it easy. Instead, I was pre-occupied with money. I spent my time searching for property, doing renovations, obtaining finance, and trading. Things that I did not truly desire. I had few dates. Yes, there have been some positives. I was generally more happy being retired than I was working. I spent around 12 months travelling, which was enjoyable but not my real objective. I won a football championship. I worked out and I spent time with family. However, deep down I know that I am in a mess sexually. Even though I have had good times, I had too many tough times.
I am particularly disappointed with trading. I almost killed the remaining cash I had in my bank through trading. I lost $25,000 through a series of stupid decisions in one single day. I then borrowed $10,000 on my credit card to try and recoup some of the losses and whittled that down to $3,000, before I fortunately regained my $10,000, which I promptly withdrew. However, my total trading losses since I started in 2009 exceed $85,000.
What is even worse is the psychological toll from the disappointment and the sadness I felt from trading. I have had a 5:1 sad to happy face day ratio while trading. I was sad for 84% of days that I felt happy or sad when I was trading. Even when I was making money I had more sad days than happy days. Financial matters accounted for a whopping 67% of my unhappiness since retiring. This is even higher than the 50% of my unhappiness due to work while I was working. It is unbelievable that I am devoting my finite time on this planet to sadness when I already have a fairly comfortable retirement lifestyle and there is no chance of making a billion through trading.
There's been so much hurt. This latest episode hasn't lasted long, less than one year in fact. But the pain; the opportunity cost is raw. I tell myself 'take the pain away from me and end the suffering in my heart and soul'. However, it's not as simple as saying that I will turn over a new page. I have been constantly seduced. In fact, in 2016 I told myself 'Stop trading forever. The fees kill all profit. It’s taking time away from my life and my goals. It’s not making me happy.'. I told myself that trading is too time consuming and that I can be out doing something I like, not looking at the computer or phone all day long and wrecking my social life. However, I got seduced by a certain stock last year and reactivated my trading account and put money in to leverage on that stock forgetting the fact that whenever I have money in my trading account after some time I get tempted to make other trades as well as forgetting the sadness, the time commitment, the opportunity cost, and the fees.
What nailed it home for me and I believe will end my trading was when I remembered that there are no billionaires I am aware of that got there just by trading their own money. The billionaires in this line of work who got there are running funds that invest other people's money. I was never going to be a billionaire trading my own money so I am going to stop. Why waste my precious time trading? You cannot become a billionaire through trading your own money because the more capital you have the harder it is to deploy (you can't take multi million dollar day positions easily in most stocks) and you can't have compounded returns. Similarly, I will not even become a millionaire, let alone a billionaire, trading cryptocurrency at this stage of the game. I am only willing to lose (or put in) $10,000 and you need to 100x to make a million which is not happening. I could have made $250,000 when I went in two years ago but my friend closed my position, but not a million or more. As the billionaire tables prove, a 20% return that can scale beats 200% that can't scale every time. Regardless, only such a tiny proportion of traders can even dream of 200% returns as studies have shown that 80% of traders lose money [1][2][3][4][5][6].
Despite the trading disaster, I learnt some valuable lessons. I learnt that I cannot put any funds from the sale of property into trading, which I was contemplating last year. I cannot believe I was seriously considering putting more money in. Based on my past experience, no matter how much I make, I will most likely lose it all from an emotionally ladened trade that goes wrong. I have lost it all five times trading CFDs and I promised myself I would stop trading in 2016 but then deposited more funds in. I learnt that the investor I respect that tripled his funds in 2017 used a standard brokerage account and does not do CFDs. I learnt that I have to continually withdraw money from trading instead of always depositing money in and losing it because with one poor decision all the funds I have can be wiped out in an instant. I now admit that I won't put any more money in and will simply put money into a standard brokerage account with some leverage instead and hold for the long term. I am also glad I found this out now instead of retiring at 70 and then getting lured into trading and wasting all my final years trading. I also remember that it's not over for my investing as I believe I can make way more than the amount I lost through share investing.
The amount of money I had in my trading account is minuscule. I was spending 90% of my time thinking about increasing the 1% of my wealth that I had in my trading account. Even if it increases 5 times, it only represents 5% of my wealth. It is idiotic and illogical. I should focus on the other 99% of my wealth instead, such as any funds freed up from a sale of property.
The bigger issue now is my dating life. I am now in my early 30s and I want to marry in my late 30s. Time is ticking. What am I waiting for? There will always be time to earn more money if I wish, but there is a time limitation on my dating life.
Students get tutors to improve their studies. Sports players get coaches. I cannot expect results if I repeatedly do the same thing over and over again. Practice will help, such as when I was continually putting myself out there in sales, but the improvement will be faster with coaching. For example, if I practice tennis on a fortnightly basis my level of tennis would only improve gradually. Similarly, watching tennis videos or watching motivational videos may drive some incremental improvement. However, I need to transform.
I know that my most recent travels have not made me happy. I know that dating is my priority and I need to devote time to practice and getting coaching.
I don't want to die. This is effectively what has happened with my focus on money and lack of focus on dating. It is do or die now as I wish to marry in my late 30s. I remember the times getting motivated when I walked around a park near my home vowing action, watching a tennis final and feeling inspired, and playing Bon Jovi songs to get fired up, but the motivation quickly dissipated afterwards. I remember the times I had girls reject me for another guy and it is incredibly heartbreaking and shows me that my game is not good enough. I know I have to go for it 100%. I expect two dates a week. I don't want to waste my life for the pursuit of wealth as my ego will never rest until I achieve immortality. I have to focus on my life instead.
---
A large part of the past 3 years of retired life have not gone the way I would have liked.
I have 8 years remaining until I am 40. I need to remember that. I need to choose how I allocate my time wisely.
I need to get up off the mat. Accept that I got hit but not let that take me down. I will get back up and fight. I put the bad things aside and move forward towards my goals, knowing I cannot take money with me to the grave. By moving towards my goals, I will invest time and energy in things that matter most tome.
I remind myself that I only wasted 1 year. 1 out of 80 years of my life. It's like Steve Smith losing 1 year. I still have plenty of life left and I probably will reap improved cash flow from the 1 year that was gone, so effectively it is similar to working 1 year
I acknowledge the pain and lessons learned with trading, low cash flow, not going for my goals. I acknowledge that I must not ever get into a situation of low cash reserves again because I won't have enough for a sudden emergency that may arise. I need to have at least 50k in liquid instruments at all times to deal with any unexpected contingencies, instead of having in all locked away in property.
I missed the whole point of what I wrote in (Music and Life).
How much of my time (being my life) do I want to allocate to this?
I read this and I will do the same thing and commit to it:
I’m at a 10 always regardless of my situation. I’ve promised myself and signed a contract that stipulates, “I will live in pure happiness, joy and godly appreciation in every moment of my life regardless of what is happening.” In other words I’ve 100% removed any dependence on the situation, whether it’s people, places, things, work, my body and all events going on in my life. There are always things happening in our lives, as that’s life. Let go of judging things right and wrong, good and bad and you have more than happiness, you have true inner peace. Even when I have emotions of sadness and moments of anger, there’s an underlying happiness that I get to experience these emotions and it passes right through me and then back to peace, love and appreciation. Like everything, the more you do this the better you get at it. Start with daily journaling.
