It Wasn't Meant To Be Like This (3)

The past year have been an absolute disaster.

I wasted one whole year of my life. I never want to go through this again.

I will reflect on my life at the hour of my death. If I had my time again would I have chosen to go through with this year? Would this year be something I can learnt from? What were the lessons?

Loss from gambling the markets

I lost over a million dollars. Waiting for the bear. Putting my faith that that the bear would arrive, but the bear is in hibernation.

I am consumed by the markets. Watching every movement in the markets.

All for what? Nothing. No reward. Only pain. After all this time, I finally admit I have a gambling problem. I keep losing and hurting and depositing more money. My mental state is destroyed.  I cut myself with 1000 daggers.

I gave up my corporate career. I am stuck at home. With the government lock down in place, I spend my days scrolling Twitter and reading about the financial markets.

I admit that there may be a potential silver lining. Initially I lost it all on momentum indicator short term option trading using %R/Di and then I lost in all on CFDs. Now, I learnt a lot about the markets and I have done my analysis and came up with a strategy. But too many times I still break my own risk management rules and end up gambling. I have to look up gambler's help. I have to stick with the plan I set. Come what may, come what may. I must learn patience. To be able to sit still and do nothing, especially since the market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent

There are internal conflicts.

• Mum's beliefs. I want to be close to my mum as she is aging. She would like be to settle down and find a wife, which I do at some point, although I don't have that inclination now. She wants me to join her religion but I am not interested.
• Mum's age. I grieve that my mum is getting older and her posture is not good. I grieve for her health and how long she will live given a scare this year where I saved her life.
• Finances. I grieve for my finances. For my losses. I regret putting it into short dated options initially and then CFDs where I was continuously margin called. I lack confidence as the market keeps ramping higher than what I expected.
• No social life. I grieve for my life. Totally restricted and constrained. Lacking friends, a social life and travel, in large part due to lock down. It is bittersweet that everything in my city is shut. I am glad that others are not enjoying their life as it would be torture to see other people happy and myself in ruins, yet I would still like to be able socialise, eat out, and travel outside my local area.
• Getting older. I grieve for my age. I am in the prime of my life but I am living at home. Not really living at all. Not the way I envisioned I will be living at my age.

During all this time, I still keep my physical health in good shape. I have a healthy diet, I exercise regularly. Exercise provides a temporary relief. 

• I am grateful that I still own some property, I haven't given it all up. 
• I am grateful the judicial system granted me a diversion so I avoided jail.
• I am grateful that the winter is finally over and I can take it the rays of sunlight.

I know that I must take a break and regroup. No more charts or Twitter. Charts make my heart race and lead me to making emotional decisions. Most importantly I gain no joy from charts or Twitter.

I have been here before. I have figured a way out.

I know many people feel depressed and trapped. Mental health calls are up significantly. Businesses are going under. Someone I know had a year even more difficult than mine battling cancer. I am hurting inside too. I need to start taking small steps towards happiness each week and build up my self confidence to overcome my struggle.

I know I must enjoy life regardless of whether I am rich or poor. Even a broker motherfucker can still find a way to enjoy life. I only have one life. I must enjoy it. 

I know I must reflect on what my purpose is. Think about the metric by which my life will be judged. I don't have a clear purpose. No clear purpose means I can easily be distracted by short term perspective that offer immediate gratification and disobey my standards, and is currently leading to a life of hollow unhappiness. I need a purpose with a focus on family and others where people have self esteem and feel compelled to do the right thing.