The Tortoise and the Hare

In trading, I have always tried to go for the quick win. Taking option trades that will make the most money, despite the inherent risk, and almost always losing it all in the process.

I learnt that trading should be boring. The goal is consistency. Consistent profits each week.

I wrote a mid year review after reading over my journal.

The disappointment

• I am 36 now. 4 years to go to 40
• I wasted the first half of the year constantly losing in the financial markets. I was dogmatic in how I viewed the markets - I was not trading, but gambling. I wasted endless hours watching every tick in the markets, getting emotional with every movement. This affected my mood all day, led to bouts of anger and sadness, arguments with my family, and resulted in heart palpitations
• All my dreams dashed. I was dreaming of getting a Porsche after I recouped my losses. 
• I didn't want to sell the home. It was my pride and joy. I really don't want to.
• I remember when I was in university, betting in the footy and losing 7 in a row and giving up. It feels like that might be the destiny.
• Every single bet has gone wrong except the money I gave to pairs trading (arbitrage) and sports matched betting ---> I lose when I play directionally
• I wasted time playing agar/slither and watching norp when I was down
• My goals at the start of the year didn't work out
• Trading (followed goal but didn't work) - I planned to short until June (following Larry Williams) but it didn't work (the goal was completely wrong. 1, shorting is gambling and 2. I still continued until November). I reached out to profitable traders but I couldn't fully trust quants and I received mentoring from Fro, but I haven't been able to take time to trade properly (found some mentors and learnt how to trade and I possibly adopted a system that works now)
• Agar/Slither didn't make me happy in 2020 and I continued (didn't follow goal) (quit agar/slither mid year)
• Twitter and financial news didn't make me profitable. I did minimise it to remove the noise but it didn't make me profitable again in 2021 and all top calling traders failed (followed goal but didn't work) (have a reduced twitter feed now, but still can succumb to endless browsing which I need to control)
• Watch 1 game video a day and think about what I could have done in interactions (didn't follow goal as lacked motivation) (did eventually start gaming sporadically; need to start actually watching 1 game video a day)
• Realised Biblical God didn't answer my prayers. I always wanted to believe in something beyond this world but I haven't experienced anything to show me that it exists. Wrote about focusing on happiness (however no goal was stated)

The reality

• Every trader that called for a top got it wrong including many smart people, so I can't fully blame myself. I can't be too harsh on myself
• Government travel restrictions and lockdowns meant that I couldn't travel even if I wanted to
• My eyes were dry when the colder weather started and it was hard to look at the screens. I acknowledge I should have moved to a warmer climate earlier
• I was depressed (mentally struggling and lacking motivation) plus I was living at home, which meant affected my desire to game

The opportunity

• While I was dead emotionally, I maintained a level of fitness through regular walks and stretches and having regular distractions
• I realise I have an opportunity. Not many people take time to regroup mid-year. This is a gift. I must grasp this opportunity
• I took a chance to move to a warmer climate and reset. So far, my eyes are better and I am tentatively optimistic
• I had my first dose of the vaccine. This allows for more options, particularly relating to travel
• I have financial market mentors (Vini, Enjoy, Oblique, Hussain) that I can watch and learn from. I see that it is possible to grow quickly..
• While I watch the markets, I can watch a game video or game related post
• Thoughts about working: I feel so sad looking for jobs. I earned 90k/year 10 years ago (VPS 4). Applying for first job is the toughest as I have been out of work for so long and I have no idea what I will be asked. What job I find is the level I will perceive myself as. It may take time to get back to previous salary. My aim is to nail interviews. From my experience it took me 6 months to find a job previously (Oct 2012 to Mar 2013) and ended up receiving two offers. My friends earn a 170k package. I never enjoyed working. I felt down doing manual work for Sam, down from VPS jobs in the past.

Bad habits - shouting (ended shouting), negative self talk/complaining (reduced negative self talk), norp (still on and off), avoiding game as live at home (started gaming again), avoided a mentor for long time (found some mentors that didn't necessarily work, however I possibly found a good system now), thinking only of the reward not the risk (always thinking about RR now). Actions - reduce exposure to norp triggers, be mindful of my habits, know benefits of avoiding

Good habits - Respect stop/not re-enter or break rules (have a defined entry and exit now), learn from mistakes/struggle, plan each day and schedule each week, happy birthday, marbles each week - did I live a life worth smiling about this week/quality of life more important than money, treating family and being present

Vision board - date tees, Porsche, happy. Accomplished everything I envisioned in the past, accept that I can trade eventually, others have done it, good at analysis

Conviction - what if you had to save your child, do whatever it takes. Currently each day just passes and I am not present

Statement - I will become a non-emotional trader who follows my stop loss winning 70% of weeks by December 2021. Follow 3 methods - Vini, Fro, BestForexMethod (these methods didn't work)

() denotes Dec 2021

Update: December 2021

Time

• Time is critical. I wish I can rewind the time to when I was in university/school. All I have is now. Life in the future may not come, regret not making the most of time. I have to make the most of the present and live for my own vision. Ask myself each day what do I want to do with my time and what could go wrong if I spend my time doing X activity (eg agar, playing chartgame). Being busy is the distraction from living
• Ask what percent of my life is left
• In the face of death, nothing matters. Your problems don't mean a big deal. 
• What am I doing with my life? Am I just procrastinating my life and making excuses? At any moment something can happen. Our minds are just thinking of little issues, accumulation. Life is short. Don't waste it. Go after goals. We either go for what we want or simply not get it, the result is certain if we don't go for it.

Lessons

• I have always suffered. It is more so in the past two years. However, I feel like it's always been there as I wrote 'It wasn't meant to be like this' 3 times already. 
• Have a vision for myself and reflect on my priorities each week. 
• 'I try to think positive' no matter the situation. So easy to dwell on and wallow in grief but it doesn't help anything. I must move on.
• Repeat 'I believe in myself. I know and accept my self worth'
• Don't spend time thinking about things that I cannot control (politics, direction of markets, etc). Choose what content I consume and what I want not based on what others want. What I can't control does not affect my state
• Be at peace, not caught in ups and downs. Don't get emotional if something bad happens. Treat the situation as an opportunity to be mentally stronger and less reactive. I can handle whatever is thrown at me. I had lots of bad experiences in my past and I managed to get through it. I release myself from my past emotional cycle
• Be willing to be uncomfortable. Talk to people and get to know them without expectation or leeching even if I am scared. Comfort destroys growth
• Living by myself doesn't solve anything. There is no happiness if other areas of life are not sorted
• Love is anxiety's greatest killer. Love is an attitude to life. Love life. Love every living being. Love the good and the bad.

Trading

• I lost everything. I lost all my capital and don't have anymore. This was the worst case scenario and it played out. I don't even have enough to start again. All my income went into trading. One loss and I was gone
• I was stressed from the losses and this constant stress on my nervous system was impacting my health and sleep
• I didn't know how to trade even in the middle of this year. I was Googling and reading forums for trading systems (and playing agar/slither) in the library after placing unmonitored order flow trades as I was not awake during RTH  and it didn't work for me. I was following trade alerts from Altitude108, mentors and other alert services but 1. trades could happen any time of the day so I was monitoring the market 8+ hours per day and stressed out, 2. it was not my system, 3. it didn't make me consistent profits
• My mentors failed me - Vini (Breakeven after 1.5 months), Hussain (losing streak), Oblique (few live trades), EST (not profitable in Sep), Enjoy (breakeven month), LKS (choosing their wrong trades), Altitude108 (didn't make profits with them)
• Personally didn't follow trades/taking random trades
• Swing short is extremely difficult to get right. TSLA puts lost - TSLA kept going up. Alex was short TSLA. Alex called TSLA topping and VIX but now I am down to 25k from 200k top and then it ended negative. Jam said big down move this year. It touched the top of the trendline. I believed in the Great Conjunction which didn't occur
• It's cathartic to open up and reflect on what happened
• SPX didn't hit projection of 200ma touch
• Encore short didn't work (Anna / Canadian soccer mom wrong)
• Spent hours and hours devising plan for SPX. Then hours watching every tick. Hours getting stressed. Feeling demoralised. Hours wasted not going after my goals in life. AND it never worked 
• Doesn't matter where I fucking go (to get away), doesn't matter what I fucking do, I get fucked.
• I will end up with the same results (blowing up my account) if I follow what I did in the past
• Flows need 3:1 win as stop can be 25% and 10% profit target and averages down (so far 113w, 15l). Don't want to average down
• Chris_L_NCT, Ashford, James Bradley - done in first 2 hours

I saw a counsellor and wrote the following notes.

On 7 September I wrote:

What did I learn from last blowout? Trading large size caused it. I lacked self control. I didn't follow my rules. I need to only trade with what I can afford to lose. I need to follow my rules. Set a a daily drawdown limit. Have an accountability partner. I don't have to make back my loss on the same day - if I am in a hole, the hole can keep growing. 

Trading my rules is more important than money. I can't trade when I am feeling emotional, when I am feeling good or bad. With emotion it's hard to be clear or rational. I have traded a particular way risking it all for years - making a change is not easy as it is just like substance abuse. It only takes one mistake to make it a big loss.

On 15 September I wrote:

My emotion got into it. If had my time again wouldn't take the random trade. I took a revenge trade where I was trying to recoup my losses quickly. Gamblers anticipate the win. It is difficult not to be emotionally charged and I lost control. I am hurt and struggling from this. If the trade doesn't work, the loss makes me feel worse. 

I must learn to not care about a win or loss, I must learn to not care about the money. I am happy to lose it all, just follow the process. It's just a trade. It is me versus my boundaries and I broke my boundaries. Be alert and not exhausted when I trade. 

On 28 September I wrote:

I am still revenge trading, Ask whether I am being rational or irrational during each trade. Emotion can make it irrational. Leave computer screen if I am being irrational.

I write my rules down on sheet of paper and I must follow my rules. Control addiction. For gamblers when they go out, it is recommend that they only take the amount they can lose and put the credit card away at home. When in difficulty, talk to my partner.

Trading lessons:

• Aim to trade the process and a win is if you follow the process, not if you profit or lose
• Minimise impact of losing trade on account balance. It will affect you if you lose big. 
• Learn from mistakes - journal and review how the trade went and your mistakes
• Always another trade. Long term results > short term movements of your account. Always remember we can't predict the market
• Take a loss and get out. Need to accept losses as part of the journey. Understand I will have losing periods. There is always another trade tomorrow. I don't need this trade 
• Have friends that support you and a coach who has done it for a temporary period

Think about where I will be 1 year from now, 5 years from now. Have a vision or goals for where I will be.

 

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

- Belief / value - I can get good at trading (although acknowledge it may take time). Need strong belief to keep going
 - Event - I make a loss, I am tired, misinterpretation
- Thought - I must recoup the loss (should or must - means emotion out of whack), I just want to grow the account a little, I just want the wins not the losses
- Feeling - I feel anger, the feeling of 'not again', down
- Behaviour - I punched my leg
- Dispute - no evidence that I will recoup, or will win, if it didn't win doesn't mean I am a failure
- Effective belief of thought - losses are normal, millionaires accept losses are part of it, I don't know the outcome of any trade, I am happy to lose the amount I risk, I follow my trading rules