Settling Down

Early this year I started considering a long term partner and eventually marriage more seriously.

In recent years I have been chasing girls for short term flings and sex. However, I always had the idea of marriage in the back of my mind.

It started with an argument I had with my sister. I was there for my sister every single day visiting her while she was in hospital, bringing her food, and researching cures. Without my help she may not have lived or she would have lived her life in a vegetative state. However, not once did she prepare anything for myself and my mum when we had covid. Not once did she help me look for answers when I was battling my depression and crying myself to sleep every night. Not once did she hug me when I was lying on the floor shouting and crying because the demons were attacking me.

This prompted me to tell her what it meant to be a decent human and what it meant to go above and beyond, to love someone.

Through the tears I discovered what I truly value. Love. Real connection with those close to me, i.e. family. And it made me discover that I want to marry someone who truly loves me and will be there with me through thick and thin. Because if we don't have each other what do we have.

In late 2024 this idea was reinforced when my mum left on a trip. I felt lonely. I really missed  her connection. I miss someone to be with. I want someone who can be here with me through good and bad times. To me this is way more important than money.

All this time I have been chasing temporary highs. I chased money, girls, travel, watching sports. Others chase it through alcohol, drugs, tv, food, status. All these provide temporary satisfaction then we want the next hit.

I want someone to hug when I am down. Someone who tells me everything is going to be ok. Someone who loves me. Someone to make love to every now and then.

It is signficantly harder to attract young girls as I get older. The effort required to search for girls will only increase as I age. I am also less interested in chasing girls as I was when I was younger due to my lower sex drive, even though there is still an interest. I also achieved most of what I wanted. Now the desire for love and connection is much stronger than when I was younger. I am getting older. I have lived half my life and I want to spend half my life with someone I love.

Married men are healthier than men who were never married or whose marriages ended in divorce or widowhood. Men who have marital partners also live longer than men without spouses; men who marry after age 25 get more protection than those who tie the knot at a younger age, and the longer a man stays married, the greater his survival advantage over his unmarried peers [1]. Married and cohabiting males live 8 years longer than single males at age 50 [2 - Fig 2b, Table 2]. 50 year old men who are married will live about four years longer than never-married men [3]. Married men live 4 years more than never married men at age 65 [4]. 

I would prefer a partner who is younger than me. The mortality risk of a husband who is seven to nine years older than his wife is reduced by eleven percent compared to couples where both partners are the same age. Conversely, a man dies earlier when he is younger than his spouse [5]. However, bereavement is associated with a higher death rate. Healthy men who lost a wife were 2.1 times more likely to die than healthy men who were not bereaved. The risk was greatest from seven to 12 months after the loss, but an elevated death rate persisted for more than two years [6].  In the year after losing a spouse, men are 70% more likely to die than similarly aged men who did not lose a spouse [7] . Age gap couples are more likely to report greater trust and commitment [8].

Getting a new girl is temporary happiness. I remember the pain through 2020 after sleeping with 30 girls the year prior. I was always chasing the next lay like a drug addict chases their next hit. I rather create shared experiences and family together.

An elderly female acquaintance told me: Who is going to take care of you if you are old and have no money? When you are young you have suitors chasing you, but that won't be the case when you are old.

I am sick of dating apps

I am sick of limited sex, due to travelling and then searching for girls again in a new location

I don't enjoy street/day game or night game. I am not interested to go out just to chat to girls.

Some qualities I am after in a girl: Loyal. Good heart. Loves family. Wants children. Open to moving overseas. Respects Asian culture. Loves me and cares for me through good and bad times. Accepts that I am unconventional. Not easily offended. Frugal and likes looking out for bargains. Playful. I am interviewer qualifying her. I know I am able to get a 20yo overseas

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November 2024 update:

I need to think long term, not just thinking about the next trip I take. 

I get caught up in the addiction of visiting the next place but don't put the effort into finding my life partner. I understand I have not been seriously thinking about having a long term partner until year, however I must put in the effort to make it happen now.

I know I am getting older. Travelling to a new country does not even compare to how important this is to me.

Just like in 2018 I travelled too much. I visited over 100 cities. I don't feel happy travelling. Only for a few days in New Zealand did I actually enjoy my travels.