Dreams of The Mortal

At night I wax poetic. Semi-conscious musings. Perceived clarity.

As humans, we have a longing to express. To be near another body. To touch. To satisfy. Lustful urging. Human connection.*

As you grow up you face your mortality. It was something I never wanted to confront, but with age comes an acceptance.

When you are young you think you are invincible. Bruises from a football match always heal. However, the exuberant leafs of youth gradually disappear. Replaced with the first signs of aches and pains where there were none, tiredness, wrinkles, scars, hair loss and grey hairs.

---

Memories flash. Looking back through all my friends. Times in the past. With age comes a sense of wisdom. It teaches me that nothing really matters, there is no point getting worked up over nothing.

---

God always comes to mind. Last week when I hit 666 friends on Facebook, I suffered the biggest loss I ever had ($11k versus the next closest of $3k). I pondered over whether it was the supernatural.

At night I prayed. Tingling and goosebumps spread through my body like never before when I uttered the word 'Bible'. I called out to Jesus in prayer. I felt Jesus more than as long as I can remember. I prayed for a fruitful 2012. A seed being planted to blossom into a large tree with it's shade benefiting many.

My goal is Olympic gold. My goal is to do good. My goal is God.

But how can I trust God? Unanswered prayers come back to haunt me. Maybe I was not righteous back then. Honestly, I don't know. What about now? Has anything changed? Deep down, I still feel the scars and hurt of the past.

---

And the omnipresent question arises. What happens after death? If there is an afterlife, will the people I love be there? If my family and my friends are not there, is there a point to living forever?**

* Males and females want each other. Most of our energies in our lives are devoted to this. More than half of songs are written about this. It is a lust for love. Of the four basic needs of fight, flight, food and family, family is the strongest in the modern developed world.

** Imagining an afterlife is like imagining another dimension. It is trusting in an unknown quantity known as God for an unknown future. I do not know what the point of serving God is if there is no afterlife. I find it hard to comprehend how people from different times would exist together, what they would know or remember or not know or remember, where they would live, whether the world they know would exist, whether their body would exist and if so what age the body will be, how people would live and enjoy their existence, and whether their loved ones and animals would exist.

Messed

On the day I left my job my disposition shifted.

I felt a positive perception despite people not answering my calls and rejecting me.

I started to think about the maxim of maximising good instead of maximising profit. I am beginning to remember empathy, feeling, and doing good.

Work had left my body and mind messed up.

Like many, I was trapped in the cycle of self obsession and craving more. It was a never ending quest of more for myself.

At the same time, I have become desensitised by the world around me. I was becoming accustomed to and unaffected by emotion, teaching, and wrongdoing.

My mind has been all over the place. I was constantly taking in information but it was not sinking in. I read gems in this blog and then forgot about them later. One moment, I felt determined and the next I lost the drive.

It is time to leave that behind. I will go back to basics.

The Next Phase

My next phase in life is scary. I admit it.

It is daunting to jump from stability into uncertainty. Leaping into the unknown. A myriad of possibilities.

I am fully aware that there will be many highs and lows. At the same time, I am confident and optimistic knowing that I already have two of the three things to create a success*.

What I am working towards surpasses all. All my past accomplishments pale into insignificance.

The flicker of ambition has lay dormant, in a state of hibernation. Though it has dimmed, I still feel it in my heart. All it needs is dry tinder for it to be rekindled, myself reawakened.

I am going to get up. I am going to take a pounding. I am going to get up again. I am going to take a pounding. I know it is about how mentally tough I am to take the hits. To keep going when the hits come. Learning and adapting.

At the same time, I will replace these things I currently do but will make an effort to avoid when I retire (worry and get annoyed about things, get grumpy in the morning, waste time on news/internet/phone/tv, work in a job I don't like, worry about finances and the stockmarket) with these things I will do when I retire, doing them now (have a close relationship with God, be surrounded by friends and family, be smiling and appreciate life not having to worry, be fit and healthy, have travelled/travel to the most amazing places, reflect on the amazing experiences I have had in my life, made a positive difference to the lives of others).

I will convert the unproductive time into happy time (or time where I think about my goals and strategise). The way to achieve my happiness year is to lift my steady state. I haven't been actively putting in the time or effort to lifting my steady state. I am now.

* - You need three things to create a successful startup: to start with good people, to make something customers actually want, and to spend as little money as possible.

Shock to the System

It lasted 2 minutes. Maybe less.

In my dream, I was talking with my sister to put me down as 35 years old. But I was reminded by the fact that I was in my mid 40s. I looked back. I had done nothing in these past 20 odd years. I still felt like I was 20, my body hadn't changed much. I had no wife and no kids. Time just flew by and I had done nothing. It seemed as if I was in my twenties just yesterday.

I wanted to recapture my youth. But it was lost. I had wasted it all away and accomplished nothing. I said to my sister I am going to devote the rest of my life to living for God because I felt I had nothing left.

I woke up in shock.

I could easily end up like this. It greatly disturbs me. I must turn this around.

Dying alone really irks me. The post divorce dating scene is daunting.

My job is conditioning me to dislike work. To shy away from putting in the hard yards. It is debilitating.

Almost everything falls away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.

----------------------------------

Update (29/11/2011):

I received a second shock to the system. I was taking a shower and I starting hugging myself and getting teary. I kept thinking I don't know how long I have left on this planet. Nobody does. What if I have x amount of time left, what have I done? Will I be happy with the way I have lived?

The only thing that matters in life is life.

I kept thinking about what I had given up on. The girls I could have gone for. The holidays and adventures I could have taken. I have whittled away my life. My youth. I feel like I had squandered it.

I am leaving my job. Leaving mediocrity. It was a big decision. One I evaluated over for months. The fact is that my job is negatively affecting my important goals in life. I am getting burnt out.

I had so much ambition. So much promise.

Success Cycle

1. Do (or pivot)
2. Happy
3. Win / Fail
4. Happy
5. Learn (from measuring)
6. Happy

It is important to never lose sight of happiness.

The aim is to keep repeating this cycle and reduce the time it takes to complete a cycle. You will fail over and over again. That is why you succeed.

The Meaning of Life

There is this bigger hole I want to fill. It is not filled after my recent trip volunteering and holidaying. Does it come with money? No, I have built a small fortune but always desire more. Does it come with what makes me happy? Friends? Activities? Holidays? Girls? Running? No, they provide short term relief.

Walking along the beach or sitting by the river under the sun or having a beautiful girl doesn't cure things*. Going to the beach and talking to an attractive girl temporarily released me from my existential concerns*. They might make things better in the present moment but the overarching big question remains. 

There is this lingering emptiness that has nothing to do with loneliness*. I'm dying inside and wrecked from work, numb to the outside world. I don't feel happy or sad and this can be either positive or negative*.

The joys in life and my goals might make me happy. But they are not my love or passion. I don't feel a burning desire for them. To me, everything is meaningless. Generations come and generations go. Wealth, power, fame and influence don’t deliver lasting satisfaction or meaning in life. What do people gain from all their labours at which they toil under the sun?

I wonder what to do with my life and I want to do something that makes a big impact, but I know that nothing will (1). It is impossible to make a long term difference. Even if I build a $1 billion company, it is meaningless and insignificant in the broader scheme of things. Who will remember it in 1,000 years time? If I win a major sporting championship or write a chart topping song, who will remember it?

My life is good but I don't have something I am passionate about. I know it is not through work. What do I visualise for my future? I think it might be to travel to the remotest places in the world with a beautiful partner by my side and a business that provides continuous positive impact, but it might not be.

I am sick of my existential concerns and I may have just found the answer*.

'"You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life." - Albert Camus

Many have pondered about the meaning of life. Philosophers from Plato to Confucius have asked this question. It is a common question that is considered in religion, science, and life. There is no absolute answer to the question of the meaning of life besides God, and the subjective answer varies from person to person. Each individual creates their own subjective meaning in life, while refusing to let the human condition restrain them and recognising that life is absurd. The subjective meaning guides what you do with the life you have. However, pondering too much about meaning may lead to sadness and deprive yourself of the joy of life.

Emptiness can be positive or negative. In fact, eastern cultures believe that the true nature of the self and of the universe is sometimes identified as “emptiness” or “nothingness”. The realisation of the emptiness of inherent existence (through factors including the fear of death, the essential aloneness of the individual, and uncertainty about God, truth, or life) is believed to be key to the permanent cessation of suffering and it brings great joy.

I think that what people are seeking is not the meaning of life, but the experience of being alive. Isn't this the point of living?

"The purpose of life is to live it (verb)" so said Eleanor Roosevelt, "to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience". This is the feeling of being alive. Immersion. Truly living. Experiencing the golden rays of sunlight on my skin, fresh air in my lungs, blood pumping in my veins, sharing my life with people and the world.

Find out what the cause of your meaningless is (1). Consider what will make you look back with pride and look forward with peace, what makes you happy and what you are passionate about.

My main purpose to enjoy life. While pleasure may be an illusion and pointless, at least I like it. Futhermore, I endeavour to be fit and healthy and make a positive impact. My views are a collection of the opinions on the meaning of life.

Without God or a spiritual realm there is no real meaning. Nothing means anything. Your desires become just goals. I might reach a goal and then there's the next goal. Even if I achieve a big goal, it's meaningless. What is the point and what is there to look forward to? Without God, there's nothing. However at the same time, no-one truly knows if God exists.

Even though life may be meaningless, it doesn't make it any less enjoyable. Food is still fun to eat. Friends are still fun to laugh with. Love is just as attractive.

--------------------------------------------------

Philosophers say it is through attaining the highest form of knowledge and doing good; achieving the highest good of happiness; living a life of virtue agreeing with nature; hedonist pleasures; modest pleasures; virtue and reason; being free from suffering; individual liberty; moral obligation; greatest happiness to the greatest number of people; no meaning; practical experience; one’s free will; one cannot find meaning; personal fulfillment; engaging with life; social connections and communication; the common good for all; the experience to the person; the question itself is nonsensical; underlying construction of language and structure; fulfillment of human instincts; care for nature and the environment; universal impartial love; ordinary human existence with education and relationships; practical knowledge.

Religions say it is through elevating life and serving God; good thoughts, words and deeds; believing, glorifying and loving God; worshiping and obeying God; spiritual growth and service to humanity; release of the cycle of rebirth and serving God; self-discipline; detaching oneself from cravings and attachments; meditating on God and learning; self cultivation and self realization; valuing and celebrating life; creating happiness for oneself and others.

Science says it is through pleasure, satisfaction, engagement, and contribution; replication of DNA and survival of one’s genes; origins and fate of the universe; consciousness and the mind.

Popular views say it is to realise one’s potential and ideals and accomplishments; to achieve biological perfection; to seek wisdom and knowledge; to do good and the right thing; to attain spiritual enlightenment; to love, feel and enjoy the act of living; to have power, riches, fame and be better; life has no meaning; one should not seek to know and understand the meaning of life; life is bad.

I think there is no point stressing out about the concerns of life. Instead, we should appreciate life. Rockefeller summed up the meaning of his life in these words, which I believe to be very apt -

I was early taught to work as well as play,
My life has been one long, happy holiday;
Full of work and full of play-
I dropped the worry on the way-
And God was good to me everyday.

* - August 2011, March 2013, November 2012, July 2013

Analysing Happiness

Nine days into my Happiness Year I have yet to record one happy one faced day (or a sad faced day). I took some time to analyse happiness further, to understand it on a deeper level.

Happiness can be pictured as a happiness profile over time. Your happiness profile moves up and down and tends to a steady state (how you feel on average over the long term). Each person perceives the course of a day's events with ups and downs. For someone who is euphoric, their perception of events is generally up and their steady state is positive. A happy (or sad) faced day occurs when your happiness profile is above (or below) a certain threshold.

The key to being happy is to increase your steady state or lower your threshold required for a happy faced day.

I believe that people are usually happier at the start of the year. There is an afterglow from the end of year break and many people think 'new year, new start'. I also believe that there can be momentum with happiness. People can have a run happiness or sadness for over six months, before it returns to the steady state.

I can start by breaking down the longer term goal of a Happiness Year into attempting to make each day, and in turn each moment of each day, happy. It means turning events I may perceive as a down into a neutral or even an up. I have noticed that there are often times where I feel a fleeting down moment, in some instances out of my control. For example, if I am hungry or on a crowded train, I may have a down moment. If I can turn these down moments into a neutral or a minor up, I will gradually lift my steady state higher. I can also turn moments where I feel a minor up, such as when I see a nice cloud, into a major up.

By doing this, I am attempting to excel in happiness and be the best at happiness. I have to realise that what I am doing is contrarian and that the average person's steady state may be around a neutral. However, I am trying to be better, to be on the 99th percentile of happiness, and this means not perceiving events in the same way that people on average may perceive them.

By being happy, it does not mean that I am not motivated or driven. It means I am those things and happy.

This week also served as a reminder to me that after a long week working and socialising, work and trading are not for me. I have no happy faced days. It has negatively affected my other goals in life. I feel drained, dispirited, and wasting my life, despite being in a good position, having a good job, and trading well. I am not living the way I want. And that has to change. Starting now.