Teenage Crush

And then it hit me.

We all have our teenage crushes. Mine was worse than most. I craved for this girl in high school, thought about her way too much, dreamt about her, prayed about spending my life with her, longed to be with her.

It was never meant to be. There was no teenage dirtbag fairytale. I was way too shy to talk to her, let alone ask her out. I was jealous of her boyfriends. She was in a totally different crowd to me, the type I slightly envied.

I had tried to reach her years after graduating and pored hours into my desperate search to tell her my feelings. One day, four years later I came across her father’s email address while doing a search for her on the internet. I contacted him to contact her. It didn’t work. Later, I somehow found her email address and sent her a long email revealing how I felt about her. She took it well but she was in a long term relationship and my heart dropped.

I stopped contacting her and recently she reinitiated contact. It brought back a lot of memories. I felt that it is comforting to open up about this and wish us all the best with our futures.

It Wasn't Meant To Be Like This (2)

On the plane to and from my holiday I cried.

I cried tears for the life I am living. I knew that the time for action is now. I knew that if I did not change the way I lived I would live a life I would later regret.

The same themes ran through my head. This time I had to take a leap of faith. Now.

Will I waste my life knowing I want something but not going for it or will I take action today?

Life is too short. I cannot continue to live the way I am living. I will regret it in ten years time. I want to escape. I want to live.

I know that it is myself that is most important. Others don't matter - what they say or do doesn't matter.

I hope that there is a God who cares and I resolve to take the Alpha course.

I kept remembering the time when I was passionate and determined to succeed at one thing. Earth 2025, year 12. I had given it all and achieved the results I wanted. I have to relive this passion. This is more important than my career.

I have achieved all I want to achieve in my career. I am unhappy even though I have a good job. I know I should stop going for jobs. Instead, I should emulate the people who have achieved what I want to achieve. I didn't study five years for this.

Everyday is there to be enjoyed. It's God's gift for me.

No Regrets

It is pointless to live a life with regret.

I have to make a decision to be confident and do what I want. The main thing is self assurance and doing what I want. With this comes freedom.

Take time to stop and think. Think about your actions.

Ask yourself, 'what will I think of my actions one year from now?' and 'what would you do if you were going to die soon?'. Use this to guide your current actions.

Make the most of the time you have. Live with no regrets.

Musings on Time

There are two things certain in life - birth and death. You decide what happens in between. We live this life cycle - birth, new life, and death - our time is deceptively brief.

During my holidays, time was always on my mind. The time to check out, the time to catch the plane, the time to meet people, the time back home. Time and life are so interconnected.

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Time is everything. Time cannot be bought.

Nothing in this universe is permanent. Everything is temporary.

Nothing really matters. The only certainty is change over time.

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For everyone, the clock is ticking. We will likely become the result of what occupies the majority of our time and the people around us, unless we take action to change it.

Life is a series of decisions. We make the decisions all the time. Our decisions have led us to where we are now. The habits we form and the decisions we make affect the rest of our lives.

The Feeling of Real

Sometimes moments strike you and you know in your heart this is real.

I feel this way when listening to P. Diddy ft Keyshia Cole - Last Night. That song really strikes accord with me and I feel its raw emotion, the beauty, the deep meaning that it expresses. I feel the same way when viewing the stark images from the winners of the World Press Photo contest.

I felt this way tonight when I sat outside alone listening to the drops of rain falling amidst silence in a penthouse looking out into the night sky.

Livin the Dream

Over the weekend I read about a brilliant entrepreneur named Elon Musk. Musk wrote and sold his first software aged 12 and then went on to co-found Paypal and Tesla. Eight years ago, at age 31, he founded SpaceX, currently the most advanced and ambitious private space company with the aim of one day taking humans to Mars. In between, he flies fighter jets, dates actresses, and contributes to philanthropy.

Musk's story has reinvigorated me and given me new purpose. His story is inspirational. His determination to succeed is clear. His passion is evident. He works 100 hours a week. He knows why he does what he does and is driven to that pursuit. He aims for the stars.

After I read this story one thing came to my mind.

Every day you are living the dream because you are pursuing the dream.

I am very excited about the future. My life is moving to a very exciting phase. I know that there are two choices in life - to control my life or let others control it for me. I have chosen to control my life and I have made a conscientious decision to live my dream everyday. I choose to live a dream fulfilled life.

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Another thing that got me excited this weekend was The Giving Pledge started by Bill Gates and Warren Buffett. As of August 2010, forty billionaires had committed to giving at least half their wealth to charity. This wonderful cause will bring great benefit to many.

What Makes Me Happy?

I have been compiling a list of stuff that makes me happy and unhappy over the past six years from 2006 to 2011. It is good to refer to this list to know exactly what makes me feel good and do more of the stuff that feels good.

Sources of happiness (number of occurrences denoted in brackets):

• Out with friends (42)
• Activities - water, food, dance (17)
• Holidays - visiting sites (16)
• Game, dates (10)
• Contentment and self belief (8)
• Exercise - cycling (5)
• Family (5)

Sources of unahppiness:

• Job rejection (14)
• Pick up - not going well, rejections (8)
• Work - job, university (8)
• Feeling down, low state, introspection, unsure (7)
• Computer, mechanical problems (5)

Update (13/3/2011): I have come to the conclusion that my dream life (and how it looks every day) is not so extravagant. It is pretty simple. Do more of what makes me happy and less of what makes me unhappy. This list is different for different people. But for me, is a mixture of the above and living it every day of my life.

Update (10/8/2012): Work (13%, 2 happy days - 13.5 sad days), investments (44%, 3.5 - 4.5), and business (57%, 4 - 3) do not make me happy, especially when compared to my total happiness score of (74%, 102 - 36) over the last four years.

Update (9/6/2013): I come to realise that the high life, good food and accommodation does not make me happy. I want a companion, but this has not necessarily made me happy in the past and in fact, the desire has made me unhappy.