Relationship Conundrum

As more of my friends get married and upon continual insistence from my family, I feel peer pressure to find a suitable girl and get married.

I wanted to get married some day. In part, it was because it was the thing to do. In my mind, I always expected that I would settle down.

Lately, I have been thinking about it more and weighing up where I want to take my personal relationships. Currently I want to make the most of my single life and have fun with girls. I have no inclination to settle down. Although, I believe this will change as I grow older.

There are benefits with being single. I enjoy the thrill of the chase and connecting with new girls, particularly when the feelings are shared. I can travel when and where I want. It is less likely that the girl will have the time and money to be able to travel extensively with me if I settle down. I can meet young girls that I, and most men are more attracted to, whereas I am afraid that I will not be sexually attracted to a girl when she grows old.

I need to listen to my true self. The last thing I want is to settle down too soon and suffer a mid-life crisis due to divorce or regret. I will miss it when it's gone and all the money in the world won't buy me the year I was 25, 30 or 35.

On the flip side, there are girls I like but there are few and far between. I am picky. I am only attracted to a few girls. I spend a lot of my time looking and half the girls I am interested in have boyfriends. It is better to settle down if I am not achieving what I want with my single life. I also desire a deeper connection and feel a longing for more if I am interested in a girl.

I know marriage is a big decision. I have to choose wisely and look for traits such as love and faithfulness in addition to playfulness and adventurousness. Studies have shown that women who have more non-marital sexual partners are more likely to divorce and more likely to be unhappy in marriage. Factors that reduce the risk of divorce include: age of marriage being over 25, age of first sexual experience being over 18, birth of first child after 8 months of marriage, Asian ethnicity (as opposed to black), a bachelor's degree or higher education [1], deciding to live together with a view to marriage (as opposed to sliding into co-habitation), and a formal wedding ceremony. I also have to note that for a lot of couples, the amount of sex declines after the second child. Divorce rates are also on the rise [1a]. It is better to marry a woman from a country where the divorce rate is not high (ranked by percentage) [1b, 1c]. It is better to choose the profession of a woman wisely too [1d]. It is better to marry a woman from a country that ages well.

The most stable romantic relationships and marriages are those in which one party is dominant. It is important to me that I find a girl who is subordinate to me and likes me more than I like her. She will be there for me through thick and thin and provide the compassion, understanding and unconditional love that a spouse should have for the other no matter what.

Happy relationships are characterised by the quality of their friendship with each other. Happy couples share 5 positive experiences for every negative one. Positive interactions include giving compliments, showing appreciation, reliving a memory and doing something nice for each other.  Happy couples talk more. They make time for intimacy and have sex a few times a week. They share new experiences together. They respond to triumphs with enthusiasm, questions and congratulations. They respond to arguments with humour, affection, and concession on certain points [2].

Around 40% of marriages end in divorce. Almost half of marriages have had divorce initiated. 70% of divorces are initiated by women. Divorce is equivalent to a $9,000 loss for women compared with a $110,000 loss for men (in 2009 dollar amounts). In comparison, marriage provides a $16,000 benefit for women compared with a $32,000 benefit for men. Divorce is worse than remaining single because it is financially destructive and psychologically damaging. Many divorces occur because of unreasonable expectations, with contempt and criticism being the biggest predictors of divorce [3].

I will have to get a pre-nuptial agreement covering children when I marry. My parents divorced and I have experienced girls breaking my heart on more than one occasion. A lot of girls are self-interested and treat me with no respect. There are many bad people in this world and it is not easy to know what someone is like beneath the surface. I read about a woman who was unfaithful and divorced her husband as he was not making her feel 'special' after 20 years of marriage despite him being a good husband and father, having a good job, undertaking most of the domestic duties, and helping with the children. I can lose half or more of the wealth I accumulated in the event of a divorce. I need to check with a lawyer in obtaining a binding financial agreement and consent orders stamped by the court, documenting that both parties received independent legal advice before signing the agreement to reduce the risk of a challenge.

I know that I want a girl to grow old with, even as a companion. I don't want to be alone when I am old. Some single people get swindled, and it is easier to get swindled when one is older and not as savvy. In the long term, it is good to have someone there to share experiences with. Relationships magnify experiences. Studies show that marriage is good for the children, health, and happiness. I also want to be a father at some stage.

A UK survey found that on a scale of 0 to 10, married people were on average 0.14 points happier than co-habiting couples, 0.3 points happier than single people and 0.4 points happier than those who were divorced or separated. In the US, the well-being of married people was also higher than single, divorced and separated people.

I realise it is up to me. I decide what I want to do. I know that right now I have no desire to settle down. I want to make the most of being single. I want to live out my dreams and not live in regret from settling down too soon.

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A side note on platonic relationships.

I understand the value of good friendships and the happiness and sense of connection they bring. Good friendships take time to build and requires active engagement to nurture. It is easier to build such relationships through a centralised community such as school, university, a work program, or an interest group.

Often priorities and interests change and good friends may drift apart and meet less frequently. This is more likely to occur when a friend settles down, has children or moves overseas. Research shows that falling in love comes at the cost of losing two close friends.

Friendships have been the biggest contributor to my happiness. However, I am in less contact with my close friends. I can choose to actively seek out new friends and/or rekindle old friendships, although the latter is not easy to do as my friends are in long term relationships and are busier with work and family. I can also choose to focus on other drivers of happiness.

As for the majority of friends and acquaintances, they come and go all the time. I don't even remember some of the friends I had in the past.

Most people just worry about their day to day. I don't know people who reflect on their past moments. Old friends don't contact me anymore.

Most men lose friends and become increasingly lonely after they turn 30 as work, family and other commitments eat up their time. 25% of men have few or no social connections, and loneliness and isolation is common in men between the ages of 30 and 65 [4]. Our social networks shrink from age 25, with the pool of friends a person has getting smaller and smaller as the years go by. Loneliness is also an epidemic among young adults and a problem for older people [5]. The effects are huge. Social isolation is as potent a cause of early death as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Loneliness is twice as deadly as obesity. It is imperative to get relationships right, for the sake of health as well as living a happy life.

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On family and children.

Parents usually think that their child will be better than average. This is unrealistic. Even if they end up above average in the system, it will likely be in a white collar position that they dislike. It is more likely that your child will end up committing suicide or being locked up in jail or having a mishap than becoming a superstar, although being a superstar is not the goal of having children.

Families may break up. There are many instances of children not seeing their parents, parents not seeing their children, and separated couples never seeing each other again.

Fast Is Not Always Best

I have always wanted to be the fastest in everything.

I used to want to be the fastest in arithmetic, fastest to walk from the tram stop to school, fastest to cook a good meal, fastest in finishing woodwork, fastest in writing, fastest in achieving wealth.

However, it's not all good. To be the fastest, I often cut corners. My results lacked quality. I took risks. Sometimes the risks were not calculated. I noticed this today as I was driving. I was impatient and I wanted to reach the destination in the fastest time. Only when I arrived home did I realise my mistake. I was driving recklessly. It was dangerous and I put my life and that of my family at risk.

I have lost large amounts of money due to my desire for speed. The risks I took didn't pay off and I lost what I had. I realise now that when I have the wealth to retire, I need to remember to play it safe and not take risks that could mean I lose it.

I see the foolishness of my actions. There is no need to always be in a rush. When striving to be the fastest one has to fully appreciate the risks involved.

Only Young Once

Physical performance starts to fade when you hit 30.

Age begins to show. Health starts to deteriorate.

You don't realise how quickly your youth is over.

You want to make a memory. You want to savour every moment.

You only have one chance to do what you want to do when you are young.

If you don't give it a go, eventually, it will be too late.

All the money in the world will never get back time that passed you by.

No-one knows how old you will live and fit and healthy you will be as you age. Do it while you are still able.

Give up the myth of looking young forever or hankering for your younger years. You will be perpetually disappointed as you will never achieve perfection and will eventually age.

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Update Jan 2024

The best athletes in the world are under 30. Around 7% of the top athletes are over 30. Few are great after their mid 30s.

3 of the top 20 male and 2 of the top 20 female tennis players are over 30. This makes it 5 of the top 40 or 13%.

3 of 41 of the €50m+ market value players of of the top 5 football teams in the world according to Football Database are over 30 or 7% (or 1 of 50 based on market value alone or 2%)

1 of the most recent 10 world record breakers in athletics were over 30 or 10%.

0 of the most recent 10 world record breakers in swimming were over 30 or 0%.

The average age of Olympians is 25 [1].

In terms of dating for men, less than 5% of females under 25 want to date a male aged 40 [2]

Only 2% of women in Anglo countries marry men more than 15+ years older than them [3]

Those in their early 20s have an average age difference in their relationships of about two to three years [4]

20-22 year old women are most interested in men aged 23-25 [11]

Male desirability is at a peak at age 27 when 70% of women are attracted to them, dropping to 20% at age 40 [11]

Desirability for men starts declining from age 30 onwards and more than halves by age 40 [2]

Young people seem even more judgemental of age-gap relationships than their older counterparts, particularly when a man is older than a female partner [5]

Many women change their opinions of their early relationships as they grow up, to conform with societal disapproval of age-gap relationships [6]

Men are increasingly dependent on dating apps while dating is becoming increasingly difficult for men. Sexlessness has been rising and marriages declining worldwide [7] [8] [9]

Females in large cities in Western countries are increasingly intolerant and unaccepting [10]

We Are All Human

(I)

Each one of us is the same. We are human.

Able and disabled. Rich and poor. Beautiful and ugly. Young and old. Loved and despised. We are human.

We must treat each other as equals. There is no-one better or worse than the other. We are all human.

(II)

All humans have feelings.

Real connection is the desire of the human species.

Connection comes from identifying with the other.

(III)

No-one is special.

Humans are normally distributed. Ability, talent, thinking, emotion, lifespan.

There are a few outliers*, but these are not significantly different. We are all part of the same distribution.

* - Some humans are over three standard deviations away from the mean and some have super human abilities, such as remote viewing, psychokinesis, body temperature controllers, savants, and energy healing.

A Successful Life

The Grant Study shows that the happy, successful, and physically well men in their 80s have these attributes in their lives:

• Calm and composed with the opposite sex, not anxious
• Confident about sex, not afraid of it
• Thought that sexually, people are not animals
• Put other people's needs first
• Remembered the existence of others, not wrapped up in their own interests
• Open in all situations, not putting up a wall when the situation requires it
• Kept people close, not at a distance
• Did not have feelings they thought might become destructive

Men who were the opposite had a discomfort about the emotional aspects of life, and a resulting self-doubt, pessimism, and fearfulness. The more at ease men were with their feelings, the more successful they were for the rest of their lives.

The study showed that there is a single yes/no question that could predict whether someone would be alive and happy at age 80: “Is there someone in your life whom you would feel comfortable phoning at four in the morning to tell your troubles to?". The capacity to love and be loved was the single strength most clearly associated with subjective well-being at age 80. The capacity for empathetic relationships predicts economic, health and relationship success.

The clearest message is that good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Social connections are good for us and loneliness kills. People who are more socially connected are happier, physically healthier and living longer. People who are more isolated are less happy, their health declines earlier, their brain function declines earlier, and they live shorter lives. It's the quality of your close relationships that counts. High conflict marriages are bad your health, while warm relationships are protective. The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships in their 50s were the healthiest at age 80. The people who were happiest in retirement were the ones who actively worked to replace workmates with new playmates. It is not about fame, wealth, and high achievement. It is about relationships with family, friends, and community. Some practical steps include replacing screen time with people time, doing something new in a stale relationship, reaching out to a family member you haven't spoke to in a while.

The only thing that really matters in life are your relationships to other people.

Eliminating Poverty

The Economist recently reported that the poverty rate had decreased from 43% of the world's population in 1990 to 21% of the world's population in 2010, defined as subsisting below the internationally accepted poverty line of $1.25 a day. This is an amazing accomplishment, with much credit to China's transformation.

It is estimated that two thirds of the fall in poverty came from growth (and the associated increase in household consumption) and one third came from greater equality. The biggest poverty-reduction measure of all is liberalising markets to let poor people get richer. This means freeing trade between countries and within countries.

The decreasing trend of the global poverty rate is also promising. Based on trend estimates, the poverty rate can be further reduced to 5% by 2030. For this to occur, growth and income distribution would need to be sustained or improved, with the main challenge being sub-Saharan Africa.

It is interesting to note that aid had little to do with eliminating poverty [1] [2]. It was found that social programs that assist people in working towards improving themselves were much more effective.

In acknowledging that poverty has been largely eliminated, especially when taking into account that an even lower percentage of the world's population lack food and shelter, it is worth considering how charity should be redistributed. A lot of charity is concentrated on areas that do not need assistance, do not address the root causes of issues they claim to assist, and may actually be harmful. For example, giving money directly to selected relatively less well off families in developed countries. I believe that charity should be diverted to the greater planet, particularly the conservation of flora and fauna that we share this planet with.

Retirement

I term retirement as the state where you are financially free to do anything what you want to do. You don't need to be tied to a job or a business you don't want.

Unless you absolutely love your job, working is like being in a cage in a zoo most of our life, and then retiring is like someone opening the door, and saying go out into the world.

Early retirement is daunting. Freedom is scary. I feel a great deal of uncertainty. It is not like going to entrepreneurship or study because those pursuits offer a determined means to occupy the time. I have no plans and no ambitions. I will have just one primary goal and that is to aim to make each day a happy faced day. I see an example in my cousin who retired early and is living well.

More educated and more highly paid people are less likely to retire despite earlier expectations of doing so. This can be attributed to the addictiveness of money and the system, ego, and an absence of alternatives. One must remind oneself to not be afraid of free time. Time is scarce.

Retirement opens up time. It gives you choices and freedom to do whatever you want whenever you want. This is the luxury you have if you are retired. The most important thing a human being can realise is the (ultimate) trade off of time, where nothing can buy back time. If you enjoy doing something or have something you are passionate about, you can choose to use more of your time in pursuing this when you are retired.

The flip side is that you are spoilt with time and choice. The retired and ultrarich are often unfulfilled and neurotic as they have too much idle time. Retirement presents you with many options and often leads to indecision. Some options you have will improve utility but it is difficult to quantify and choose the option to maximise utility. There may be no right answer, you must act first and reflect later. The biggest mistake people make when trying to change their life trajectory is to delay taking the first step until they have settled on a destination. Just make a decision and evaluate your choices at each step of the journey. When evaluating your decision down the track, if you believe it to be the right one, you can commit to it and work out how to make it happen or change if it is not right for you.

Life doesn’t instantly and spontaneously become amazing when you retire. You make it amazing through your own construction and vision, through your decisions about how to use the additional time available. Without work, you are simply allowed to live much more of your life on your own terms.

The skill you will need the most after retiring is choosing to make yourself happy and a large component of this is living in the moment. Post-retirement, you need to learn how to enjoy each moment as best as you personally can. If you’ve lost that ability somewhere along the way, consider taking a class in meditation or reading books and blogs about mindfulness.

To be healthy, retirement must be physically and mentally active. The best way is if you can do what you are good at by exercising your signature strengths, which makes you happier. This may include working or volunteering if it leads to increased happiness. Retired people who plunged into new activities enjoyed their lives more and were healthier, with those who volunteer to help others reducing their risk of dying prematurely by 60 percent. Similarly, people who belong to a club or social group in retirement significantly reduces the risk of premature death. However, those trying to void-fill were perpetually unsatisfied because their volunteer work could never be as meaningful as the thing that caused the void in the first place.

It is important that we remain physically, mentally and socially active, and not let ourselves lapse into a lack of activity in retirement. Social activities are enjoyable and good for the heart and brain. Happiness shared is happiness multiplied.

For those who regard work as the only purpose in life and have no activities outside work, their identity and usefulness is tied up with work and they may be better off continuing to work. Furthermore, the majority of people are lazy and it is easy to end up watching too much TV or engaging in activities that provide little enjoyment thus not living a fulfilling life. It is easy to be trapped into a daily cycle of nothingness. In the past it can mean an endless cycle of TV and chores. These days, it is an internet black hole of notifications, news and pop up links where people waste away their life without knowing it. In these instances, work can provide structure, routine, engagement and connection with others.

For some who were successful, they may seek their next big win and end up becoming unsure, frustrated and depressed. For these people, they have the opportunity to pursue their interests, meet up with others and give back. Be grateful for the freedom and open up your mind to new possibilities. Living in the moment and enjoying the journey is key. It is important that we don't fall into the trap of comparing ourselves with others based on a 'money as success' mindset..

Almost 50 percent of respondents who feel least rushed and who also feel least excess time report being “very happy”, almost twice as high as the rest of the US public. It is an elite group, making up less than 10 percent of the population. They not only seem happier by ignoring the rat race and subscribing to a philosophy of “don’t hurry, be happy,” but by organizing their lifestyles to minimize spells of boredom and lack of focus as well. Thus, there seems dysfunction in having either too much or too little free time.

Studies show 70 to 85 percent of people are dissatisfied with their job. Around 25 percent of employees worldwide are engaged in their job [0] [1] [2]. This is evident from the labour force participation rate, which drops from 75 percent in the 55-59 age group to 20 percent in the 70-74 age group, with the main reason for people returning to work being financial need (40 percent). Furthermore, happiness is at the lowest between the ages of 25 and 60, largely due to working life, with the lowest point being around age 45 [3].

Personal well-being is the highest for students and retirees [4]. Health satisfaction was higher for the older age group, while the incidence of anxiety and depression was lower. Generally a reduction in work related stress is conducive to longer living and studies [5] show that retirement does not lead to a higher mortality,

Live this life like you don't need a second life. 

I only have a finite time. I have to ask myself, what do I want to do with my time. It is important to think about what you will doing with your time after retiring. Make the most of this life, do everything you ever wanted to do as you don't know whether you will get another chance.

If your hobbies are the only thing to pursue, you may not find them as satisfying if there was nothing to balance them out with. However, there are many people who enjoy pursuing their interests and will never get bored of them.

It is worth remembering how important people are in your life. People are the most important thing for older people when they look back on their life.

Your finances

I read this quote and it resonated with me. As somebody who has previously taken entrepreneurial and investment risks, some of which worked out and some of which did not, I would like to offer you this advice: don’t risk killing the golden goose that you have. You’ll need to take risks, to take bets. But don’t bet the farm. Even if it means you have to pass on the dream opportunity. I was “there” 18 months ago, and in my nirvana I took a risk that risked my financial freedom. It didn't work out, and I had to go back to working. Not fun.

I have heard many people who took on too much debt and lost it all. I heard of someone who lost their golf courses, house, Porsche, wife, and fell into depression. I have to always remind myself to protect the downside.

From my past experience, I see that money does not bring me happiness. I think the goal of accumulating more money after US$1 million (in 2000 terms before adjusting for inflation) is ego-driven will not bring you financial happiness. The pursuit of money never ends. For the person who loves money, they can never have enough and are always craving more, leaving perpetuate dissatisfaction.

Money is valuable to you if there is something you want that you need money for. Beyond a relatively low level, the accumulation of material and financial wealth does not add to well-being. It wastes precious time and energy that could be spent on the relationships and simple pleasures proven to make us happy.

Positives

My lifestyle. It is priceless. Having complete control over what you want to do each week, who you want to see, for how long and can go on a holiday anytime you please is what I enjoy most. Starting businesses from scratch gets me excited. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Free time is joy. There are plenty of people wandering around during the day. Many people work from home. A lot of people don't need to work. There is much more to life than work. You discover so many different ways to live. Many folks live with much less. Health increases, stress decreases. In better shape. No longer have to wait for the damn bus. Running errands is easy. Lots of free entertainment. You learn to do things yourself. Better nightlife. Better friendships. Better family relationships. More purpose in life. You can always be busy. No fear of getting fired. Always smiling.

Negatives

Become more impatient with waste. Get lonely sometimes. Easy to get lazy. Less money. Vacations aren't as exciting anymore. Want to feel useful. Want to know what else is there in life. A sabbatical is more fun for two. If boredom and loneliness are the biggest negatives then things really aren't so bad, particularly if you have someone with you.