It's All Relative

If everyone were earning $1 million a day, no-one would be rich or poor. If everyone were earning $1 a day, no-one would be rich or poor.

People need to earn a certain absolute income to provide for their living expenses. This amount varies from person to person.

Success is not to be enjoyed by the average person. People who are successful must be relatively better than others. It is not achieved by doing what the majority do. I'd like to achieve my own version of success, with a beautiful companion and a mobile lifestyle.

In relation to income, people generally derive a higher utility or satisfaction from having a higher relative income than their peers. In many cases, this is despite no real benefit to them. The same applies to school results or other aspects of life where competition is involved, where you feel relatively better if you achieve a better result than your peers.

People who are more internally driven are less likely to derive their satisfaction from being relatively or competitively better off than others leading to increased real happiness in their lives. However, this does not necessarily align with society's version of success.

Joy

To experience joy, I need to change my inner self, change my mindset and heal my heart. I understand that the way I approach life and the way I live has to change. Tara Brach taught me that everything has to be centred on joy and happiness.

Nothing I ever did could possibly add anything to what I already had. All goals to do with accomplishment are peripheral.

Happiness is a state of being, not a state of doing. I make a decision to be happy regardless of whatever happens. This is the most beautiful decision I can make. I commit and I decide to be happy every single day regardless of whatever happens.

Give up your problems

To be happy, you have to give up the need to be this, or to have that. You have to give up excuses where you say I am not happy because of this. No person or object can make you happy. Nothing can give you happiness except yourself. There may be challenges that you say make you unhappy but it is your decision to be unhappy. All these challenges are temporary and will pass and within a challenge may lie a gift.

"Not good enough yet. Got to have more. Got to make it better. Got to be better." The direct result of all this lunacy is a perpetual treadmill race to nowhere, endlessly pounding after pleasure, endlessly fleeing from pain, endlessly ignoring 90 percent of our experience. Pleasure is always derived from something outside you, whereas joy arises from within. The very thing that gives you pleasure today will give you pain tomorrow, or it will leave you and give you pain. As soon as you grasp anything, pain inevitably follows.

Many people say 'if only' I have this or that, then I will be happy. 'If only' doesn't work for happiness. When pursuing it, you are not in the present moment. There is an undercurrent of dissatisfaction because right now is not ok, and you are separated from true happiness. Shifting from life being a certain way to loving what is.

All cravings are the mind seeking salvation or fulfillment in external things and in the future. Attachment, chasing after something, is enemy of joy. You experience a deep suffering when you have to have something, similar to the feeling of addiction. Even a desire to become free or enlightened is just another craving for fulfillment or completion in the future. So don't seek to become free of desire or "achieve" enlightenment. Be present and observe the mind.

People approach life as a problem, something's missing or something's wrong, trying to make it through the day. Your life situation may be full of problems - most life situations are - but find out if you have any problem at this moment. Not tomorrow or in ten minutes, but now. Do you have a problem now? Realise that there are no problems. Only situations - to be dealt with now, or to be left alone and accepted. When you create a problem, you create pain. All it takes is a simple choice: no matter what happens, I will create no more pain for myself. I will create no more problems.

People waste time and care about the wrong things year after year. As a matter of conscious experience, the reality of your life is always now. The past is a memory. The future is anticipated, a thought arising now. Hoping to be happy in the future but the future never arises. Always solving a problem. Enjoy your life in the present.

What is between you and happiness? Chronically wanting something else, thinking something's wrong, got to get something done, postponing life, being anxious.

Joy is not goal or money related. It is not related to externalities.

I never feel satisfied chasing goals. I never had any even small moments of true joy chasing money.

I realise that trading brings pain. I don't want to waste any more time not being happy (but yet I did and it brought immense pain in 2019-21).

My accomplishments have never brought me joy. I only had pleasure that was conditional to external outcomes and even these moments were few. My accomplishments never bring me the happiness that I want - happiness for no reason.

I know that nothing external that makes me happy brings me true happiness. Being with friends doesn't make me truly happy. I don't want to connect with everyone and there are many times when I am around family and friends, but I still feel a hole. Accumulating money certainly doesn't make me happy. Travelling doesn't solve the sadness I feel inside.

If you are dissatisfied with what you have got, that may motivate you to become rich, but even if you do make millions, you will continue to experience the inner condition of lack, and deep down you will continue to feel unfulfilled.

As long as the ego, a derived sense of self, is running your life, you cannot truly be at ease. You cannot be at peace or fulfilled except for brief intervals when you obtained what you wanted, when a craving has just been fulfilled. The ego needs to identify itself with external things such as work, possessions, money, education, relationships, appearance, politics, religion. None is these is you. Death is a stripping away of all that is not you. The secret of life is to "die before you die" - and find that there is no death.

Once you achieve a goal, there's another goal. There is no limit for desires in human beings. A life searching for goals and dreams is endless as a source of suffering and frustration. People who live in the future don't experience the present, and then when they are dying they want to live. If you become excessively focused on a goal or destination, the now becomes reduced to a mere stepping stone to the future and life is no longer an adventure, just a need to 'make it'. If you develop such a mindset, no matter what you achieve or get, the present will never be good enough; the future will always seem better, a perfect recipe for permanent dissatisfaction. Ultimately, every form is destined to dissolve and nothing out here matters all that much. Your outer journey may have a million steps, but your inner journey has one: the step you are taking right now. Ultimately, realise that every outer purpose is doomed to "fail" sooner or later, simply because it is subject to the law of impermanence of all things.

Many people seek happiness moment to moment, but find temporary relief and have fleeting pleasure. Their minds are always thinking what's next even after success. Focus on being happy before our desires are satisfied, and not contingent upon reiterating pleasures.

In the decade to 2024 GDP per capita has increased while happiness has decreased, showing that happiness is not connected to material success.

The failure to recognise thought as thought and the identification with thought is a primary source of suffering. Let go of thought.

The pain that you create now is always some form of nonacceptance, some form of unconscious resistance to what is. Expectation that is greater than appreciation brings pain. All negativity is caused by a denial of the present. People who feel the most depressed are living in a self oriented world, which is a confined and painful state to be in. Surrender to what is. Accept - then act. If you find your here and now intolerable and it makes you unhappy, you have three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it totally.

Accept everything about our inner and outer selves. Be aware of what’s occurring in our bodies and minds, without attempting to judge, control or resist the thoughts or feelings or sensations that we find there. When faced with troubling situations that we can’t control, the best way forward is to take a minute to pause. Focus on your physical sensations, recognise your emotions, and express what you are experiencing instead of pushing away negative experience. Only by accepting ourselves for who we are, and acknowledging our most painful experiences, can we begin to truly love ourselves and heal the parts of ourselves that are hurting.

When you act, drop the negativity first and give attention to the action itself. Do not be attached to the results. Neither your happiness nor your sense of self depends on the outcome as on a deeper level you are already complete.

Peace

Don't seek enlightenment. Just be present.  [My mind is constantly projecting out into the future.]

The only goal is peace within. I am enough. My life is enough. [I have a never ending stream of thoughts during the daily commute. I have been told that I am sometimes too serious; I have to remember to laugh.]

Don't resist, deny, judge, want. Buddha taught that the root of suffering is to be found in our constant wanting. [I have been dissatisfied with work for so long. Not fully accepting. Resisting what is.]

Simple pleasures - appreciating. Space of presence. Walk slowly, smile. Enjoy the scenery when on a detour. Check in with your well being and values.

There is no need to stress. Stress is fear. There is no point to hold onto regrets. I don't get anything holding onto it, let it go.

Be in the present, slow down. Notice everything. Don't rush. From the heart not the head.

Peace is this moment without judgment. Be at peace with the moment however it is. Say yes to the changing moments, life being just as it is. Power of wholehearted acceptance. Any moment you can choose presence, to place in you that feels something's wrong. If there's something missing, go make it happen now. Acknowledge that what I have is enough. Love what is.

Love what is, say yes to what is, willing to be present to what is. Savour this moment. Don't aim for next moment to be different to this one. Make peace with our life, with difficulties, aliveness. We are pulling back a lot, feel unsafe to open to full aliveness, addicted to feeling something's wrong. Let myself be open to amazing possibility inherent in living. Failure to know joy is a reflection of the inability to forgive.

Agree to the life as it is. Appreciate this life and be open to happiness. In any moment that we love what is, the solid self dissolves and an opening to joy.

This is enough. Don't want it to be different, pause and acknowledge it. Live the life fully. Do not let your days slip through your fingers. On the day of death arrive with no regrets.

The human form turns to dust quickly, however, it is only tragic because you projected a separate self where there was none.

Be open to discomfort of being wrong and the unpleasantness when you make mistakes. Say yes to uncomfortableness. Put down your defense. Have no anxiety about being imperfect.

Presence, background of awareness, makes you notice the little things. We don't have to wait.

Be still and alert.

While I understand the importance of the present for happiness, I have a deep appreciation for the past and make allowance for the future.

The past gives you an identity and the future holds the promise of salvation, of fulfillment in whatever form. Both are illusions. What you perceive as precious is not time but the one point that is out of time: the Now. The Now is the most precious thing because it is the only thing. It's all there is. Life is now. There was never a time when your life was not now, nor will there ever be. Nothing ever happened in the past; it happened in the Now. Nothing will ever happen in the future; it will happen in the Now. Eckhart Tolle

Trust in the process, change things you can control. Watch what you consume - don't watch news as most news does not help you. Don't read what negative and poor people read.

Find a way to grow every day - doesn't have to be in every area, can be meeting family, can be something within.

Practice

Practice meditation. To meditate sit straight and motionless, close your eyes, share your loving-kindness with everybody, then take three deep breaths and feel yourself breathing into your abdomen. Focus your attention on the rims of your nostrils. Notice the feeling of breath going in and out. As soon as you notice that your mind is no longer on your breath, you may focus on the mental state or sensation, then mindfully bring it back to your breath. Grow in meditation through patience and acceptance.

Focus on the feeling of the inner energy field of the body, merge with the energy field. Before sleeping and first thing in the morning, focus your attention on different parts of the body and let you attention run through your body like a wave, meditate on pain. Whenever an answer or idea is needed, stop thinking for a moment by focusing attention on your inner energy field. When you resume thinking, it will be fresh and creative. Feel the inner body even when engaged in everyday activities and when engaged in relationships.

Dis-identify from the mind by watching your thoughts and emotions, focusing your attention on the feelings inside you, or focusing your attention into the present moment. Don’t judge or analyze what you observe. Ask yourself "Am I at ease at this moment?"

Try a little experiment. Close your eyes and say to yourself: "I wonder what my next thought is going to be." Then become very alert and wait for the next thought. Stay still, alert and aware throughout the day. Be mindful of exactly what is taking place right now. Listen to the silence, feel the space around you.

Be grateful for the present moment. Practice a gratitude ritual. Each morning say 'Good morning, every day is a blessing.' Say it out loud. Be happy to have breath in my lungs. Start morning with gratitude. Recall 3 good things each day and feel it. When complaining about something add 'and my life is very blessed' at the end of it.

Serving - help others, immune system also improves, whatever happens it's part of loving and serving, belonging to something larger. Savouring - make each day as good as it can be, pause and take it all in, 10 breathes to savour it. Awareness of the mortality and impermanence, motivation to enjoy the moment. Connect with true sense of who we are.

Let go and find what is beautiful in each moment. Don't sweat the small stuff. Feel heart and feel how strong it is and think of things you are grateful for. The mind will never let you enjoy life.

Forgive and love. Forgiveness is to relinquish your grievance and offer no resistance to life, with the alternative being pain. Daily Happiness Exercises. Joy. Mindfulness and accepting what's here.

Loving kindness occurs naturally when you are present. Joy is rare, open up to the whole experience, aliveness, not hitched to conditions, unconditioned happiness. You cannot experience joy when living in thoughts. You are happier when you are busy. You are happier when your mind is not wandering.

Celebrate the mystery of the life we cherish. Joy wakes up when you express it. Happiness doesn't need anything.

Pray for myself and others. Pray for all beings to be happy. Contribute when you can such as giving time to a soup kitchen.

Put your hands on your heart. Feel your heart for two minutes and breath deep in your heart and recall a grateful memory.


Be exactly with what's here. Concentration helps quiet the mind, gets you familiar with calm. Intention to be happy, open to what's possible with wellbeing, wish it for myself and others,


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Stop pretending to be invincible and just go back to doing what you love. The effort to try to feel happy and trouble free and the notion that we must have everything are often the things that makes us miserable. The true path to contentment is to enjoy uncertainty, embrace insecurity and even learn to value death.

When you put yourself as the centre, you will not be happy. The day you realise that it's not about you is the day you start living. Serve others,





I have very high standards. It is a little unrealistic. I look for external things to bring me happiness. I should be more internally focused. I have tried many things and excelled in many areas, but they have not made me happy. Psychologically, I'm fine and I don't have many anxiety or stress symptoms.

If your goal is endless joy, it may not be attainable and you may end up disappointed. Endless happiness is not something to strive for. There is no such thing as a perfect life, a perfect partner, or the best job. It is a combination of accepting where you are and having what you want, but still aiming high. Expectations that don't match reality lead to unhappiness.

A whole spectrum of feelings is normal. You cannot get the highs if you don't have the lows. Anything meaningful is filled with both pleasure and pain. Spiritual goals are difficult to monitor and achieve; and they may not be something to aim for. Meaning in life may be good, but meaning is not necessary. It is fine not to have a purpose in life. Instead, enjoy what is happening each day, enjoy the small things in life and be mindful and sociable.

The System

I feel numb.

If you follow the system, you will end up like the majority of people around you who have given their lives to the system. Their results are easy to see. I see that all the senior executives in my organisation all seeking a holiday this year. I see most people who study MBAs doing so to change careers because they don't like the job they are in. I see my manager saying that a bad day of golf is better than a good day in the office. I see my colleagues and friends constantly seeking more money, even though none of my close friends truly enjoy work. According to the experience of one executive and his executive friends, in the end you become fat, exhausted, isolated, lonely and angry, but you cannot stop [1].

I used to value success in the system, but I see it as a term people use mainly in terms of material wealth these days. For example, building a business to score a $10m deal and buy a mansion. The system breeds selfishness and envy. It encourages in people the desire to become rich, which according to research lends people to becoming more selfish, less empathetic, less compassionate and less generous. Too many people are striving to win more and more and it doesn't lead anywhere, unless you are loving the ride.

Since capital is only a means to an end, endless accumulation of capital isn't a good formula to improve the quality of one's life experience. At some point, enough is enough. One day we die and we cannot take the money with us.

If I have $1 million, I am thinking about how to turn it into $2 million. The obsession with more money never ends. I am wanting more for the sake of having more. I realise that increasing my income and wealth never makes me feel rich enough. I know that finances have consistently been a cause of my unhappiness and working to increase wealth does not ever make me fulfilled.

After working to 40, I might make it to a mansion, but I would have missed out on being happy. I would have spent all my time and energy climbing the corporate ladder, in effect giving my soul to the system while working ever longer hours because in general the higher up you, the more you work.

I have to ask myself, do I want $10 million or to live the life I want starting now (an active retirement)? I have to ask myself, where do I see myself in 3 years time, 5 years time and what course of action I must take to get there and where will I be if I don't take action.

There is no happiness for me in continuing to do what I am doing now and not living, not enjoying my life. It is a tragedy to spend one's life accumulating money but never making the most of why I am saving the money in the first place. Do I want to have the next 40 years look like the last 5 years that I have been settled in full time work?

The point of life is to be happy, we have confused this with accumulating money.

I was driven out of the system. When I graduated all I wanted to do was follow the system. After all the dedication and effort I put into my job and career progression failures, I wondered how someone as talented as myself can be doing what I am doing. It is so bad that I prefer not to think about my situation.

Being rejected by the system taught me some important lessons. If I achieved everything I had wanted career-wise, like the executives had, I would be driven by the desire for success and likely depressed. There are many people who have reached the pinnacle of their career and yet are deeply unhappy. Half an year after writing this, I felt exactly this way having achieved everything I wanted in my career. I am controlled by my wants and continually desire more success. I am never fully happy. I am neglecting the power of now, of being aware of my thoughts and emotions. I need to let go of the ego and it's attachment to money, status, and power.

People are like sheep. No one questions society's rules. People who challenge the rules are treated like heretics, outcasts. Most of the population go to work everyday doing something they don't like and never reach financial freedom, while they inch closer to death.

Work or an occupation provides substance to fill the day with, for better or for worse. Such an activity can provide routine and social interaction, even if it does not maximise your time. A career is the method by which the system attempts to give meaning to the tasks people are impelled to do. However, this may detract from the true essence of life. For many, each day becomes a photocopy of the previous day. This leaves many living their lives unfulfilled with their dreams and aspirations unsatisfied. It is little wonder that one of the regrets of the dying is that they worked so hard. It is most important for me to do something I enjoy.

I read that every single person who has time off over Christmas with their family seems to realise things: how much fun they have had re-connecting with loved ones, how they don’t want to go back to work and how much they ate and drank. This is in line with the top two new year's resolutions of the past ten years: to spend more time with family and to get fit. In other words, to escape from the system and its consequences. Some say that people do things because of their self-interest, but many people fall into routine and expectation, not following their interests or not understanding what they actually want.

Work makes people unhappy. Studies show that frustration is the most common feeling out of all the feelings people experience at work. Communication problems, disagreement on goals, and bullying are common issues at work.

Work doesn't make people rich. In terms of making it big, only 8% of Rich bosses make the Rich 200 list, whereas most of the list started their own business.

Work kills your time. Why am I spending more than half of my life working when life is so short? At a typical worldwide retirement age of 65, there is an average of 17 years left in developed countries (with 5 of those years restricted). This equates to 15% of your life in which you are free to live your life.

I have experienced the effects of the system. I feel burned out. I feel suppressed. I feel messed up. I feel empty. I feel sapped. I feel exhausted. I feel demoralised. I feel densensitised. I feel numb. I feel that I am not true to who I am. I feel angry that I have given all of a day to work, not just one day but every weekday. I am holding it in every day. I am left broken with my body, soul, mind and spirit crushed, tortured and imprisoned. I am not living. I am struggling. I am dying inside a little bit every day.

I have aged so much since I have been working. I see my days and the days of my colleagues passing by. I see my life disappearing as the days are over so quickly. I get no appreciation for a major piece of work I completed. I was overlooked for promotion time and time again. I feel like I am going backwards after I was demoted. I see people less intelligent, less capable than me earning more than me. I don't feel I am contributing to something meaningful. I have had almost a dozen different managers over the last five years, but I cannot see myself living any of my managers lives; it's just not something I want to be. I am not doing work that I enjoy. The work is draining. The mood in the workplace is down. The managers are not supporting me. The culture is unambitious and uninspiring. The workers are competitive. The job security is a facade. I keep thinking to myself it's not bad, but it's not good either. During the day I am working and after work I am gone. My eyes are dry and red. My energy is sapped. My heart is hurting physically and emotionally. I work overtime. The trains are crowded. My dress is stifling. I feel tired. I feel stressed out, with the only relief coming during a brief one hour of lunch and after work where I can catch my breath.

I lost my own voice. I lost the passion for the causes I once felt strongly about. I don't care about those less fortunate as much as I used to. I lost drive. I lost purpose. I lost a burning desire. I have lost the desire to make something out of life, I don't have something I am fighting for. I lost the fighting spirit I harbour deep inside me, the Never Say Die attitude that I witnessed in the tennis.

The system makes it easy to lose the fight. Work becomes too comfortable. There is no desperation to achieve what you truly want to be.

All up, work has a very high sad face to happy face ratio. I am looking for a way out but unsure where to turn. So I put it off to one side and engage in hollow time-wasting activities that serve no purpose except to alleviate the pent up hopeless futility inside.

You become conditioned to the system over time.

Fuck the system. It's time to live an extraordinary life.

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Recently, I have been given an opportunity to step up in the system (April 2013). I already feel the 'striving for more' syndrome stirring inside me. I endeavour to use this opportunity to see how I like the role and explore whether it is something I am passionate about, rather than purely pursuing promotions in the system. I will think of it as an exciting opportunity to take the organisation to the next level.

After stepping up in the system, I come to realise that a job will never give me 2 months leave every year. I would enjoy working more if I can take 6 months off relaxing and travelling. No country in the world offers more than 1 month of annual leave and it is often reduced to 2 weeks as companies force employees to take leave at year's end. I may be content but I am working hard, doing things I don't like (e.g. work I am not interested in, early starts, on the computer for long hours, unpaid overtime), and wasting away my most precious asset, my time.

After two months working in my new position, I witness Monday to Friday pass me by in a blur, my social life and relationships has slumped, and there have been no happy days from work. I wear a tie and uncomfortable shoes. I have no time. I am tired. I know if I work in a job focused on money, I will become obsessed about money.

I stayed in this job for half an year. Each workplace differs, but this one was authoritarian. Phone calls, email and internet were banned. My managers checked on me every few hours, had others spy on me, and didn't talk to me when I told them I was leaving.

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I am currently working in my dream job (September 2013). I am working in investing banking, restaurant surveying, and doing property development. I just went out for a day trip with friends and I am sad. Something is wrong.

I have good pay, interesting work, good colleagues, good offices, and free food. I am satisfied with my job, but there are no happy days. I know that this is probably the best a job can offer. If being satisfied is all there is, that is pretty disappointing. I know that if I keep working in the future, there will bound to be times when I encounter missed promotions, failed interviews, bad managers and bad colleagues. Through it all, I still strive to be happy, no matter what the job is.

While working in my dream job, I realise that all jobs take away your life. I ask myself: would I do something for 11 months an year and only have 1 month to myself? The answer is: only if I absolutely love it.

I work 11 hour days. Studies show that high earners work longer hours. Studies show that both CEOs and entrepreneurs work an average of 55 hours per week (and likely more once weekends are included). The whole day is gone before I know it. I am a robot. My life is a cycle of work, sleep, work, sleep. I feel a huge relief after finishing each day at work.

I don't want to work. I don't want to grow old not being happy. I am not doing things that make me happy and I am wasting the prime of my life. I am getting older everyday. Days just pass by. Soon I will be old and I will have spent all my youth and my weekdays in my adulthood not living, with no happy days even though I tell myself that the purpose of my life is to enjoy life. I need to escape before it's too late.

At the end of 2013 I felt a deep sadness in the clarity of night. I realised I am not happy nor unhappy. I see that work is affecting my health (growing tummy, losing fitness), happiness (no time to practice happiness exercises, many sad faced days from work), mind (not using my brain to think). It is insanity if I want to be happy and I keep doing what I am doing (I have done this for all my working life and I am not happy from work).

Mid way through 2014 I realised that no job is safe. I might be working in my dream job now, but I was put on notice after my focus dipped and I was spending time on other activities during work hours. There is no such thing as job security. I understand that after seeing job cuts in government and the private sector. There is no such thing as loyalty. I was told many times that I was doing a good job. As such, I was surprised when I was almost sacked the first time I was told I was not doing a good job. I admit that I am lucky to have a job. At the same time, I realise that I have to work hard every weekday, effectively giving up life outside work, if I want to remain in my job.

At the end of 2014 I come to terms with the fact that I have experienced the saddest year in over a decade, with work being the number one cause of my unhappiness. I constantly used the word 'tough' to describe how the year has been. I put all my effort into work and get yelled at by my managers for small mistakes time and time again. I am slaving away and I accept it. I tell myself I am lucky that I am alive, but these are the words of someone is surviving, not someone who is thriving. I have no time to think about what I truly want. I have lost my direction and forgotten my values. I do not know what I have become or who I truly am. Moments of happiness are few and far between. My social life and relationships have been destroyed. My soul crushed. At the start of 2015 I was sacked even after giving my all to the job.

Importantly, I see that work is detrimental to my happiness. It is the number one cause of my unhappiness, accounting for 50% of my unhappiness from the conclusion of my graduation year until the time I finished up working. It takes away time from the things I love. It is consuming the time I would otherwise give to the people I care about, my friends and relationships. In all my jobs, I have never felt connected to my colleagues and I have never made a close friend through work.

I have set a timeline for myself. I must stand true to my beliefs. I have to listen to my heart and do what I want to do. I want to travel and be fit and healthy. I don't want to get married yet or think about money.

Deep down, I know that no full-time job with one month's of leave is going to bring me happiness.

Emotional Change

I am now agnostic, indifferent, and aspire to cultivate joy.

I had a range of emotions I felt when I was growing up:

• Inflated ego
• Superiority complex, I believed I was better than others even if it were not true
• Cheating, I would do anything to win even if it meant breaking the rules
• Low self esteem
• Anger, I kept count of what good and bad things other kids did to me and would play out situations of revenge
• Attached, I would easily be affected and feel hurt from other people's words and actions, particularly if I was bullied
• Needy, I wanted the approval of others and would chase girls too far
• Closed, I didn't like to talk about myself, reveal information I knew to others, and I never admitted failure or anything that would make me look bad
• Shy, I was fearful of talking to people and would let others take control
• Afraid, I was scared of the supernatural and of unfamiliar situations
• Volatile, my emotions would fluctuate quickly from happy to sad
• Competitive, I viewed everything as a competition and hated losing
• Compulsive, I suffered from an obsessive compulsive disorder to make sure everything is perfect
• Curious, I would always want to find out the answers or search for material that was restricted from me

I learnt that I need to think for a few minutes before I act, particularly when I am emotional, so that I don't make rash emotion based decisions.

Related to this I had a lot of varying interests when I was growing. Among these were watches, multi-functional devices, maps, caravans (home-cars), stories (gimmy family and toys), mazes, trivia, economic charts, tv shows, math races, anatomy, home and garden, national geographic, and music.

Accepting the Agnostic

After praying to God for four months and failing to receive a response on my purpose in life and career, I have walked away from my faith.

At the start of the period, I believed that there was a 50% chance that I would find a new career irrespective of God. I was going through one of the saddest periods of my life and prayed the biggest prayer I had ever prayed. I said that everything in my life is coming to a head. I knew that my current job was not my purpose and I asked God to direct to me to what God wills for my life. If God exists, I believed that God would show me a way for my life and I was willing to accept whatever God wills for me. I knew that I could definitely find a new job in whatever path that may be, and God would just make it happen faster. I did all I could do on my part - I went for every job I could, I earnestly sought after God, I put my faith in God and did what was right, I admitted my flaws and repented, I took on the feedback from (My Prayer). The failure was the final straw after a string of three failed prayers for a new career and other major unanswered prayers.

If there is one thing I wanted more than anything else, it was to know that God is real and cares. If there is one thing that I pray for, it is to say that I know God. Without God, I believe that everything is meaningless and has no real purpose. Deep down I wanted to believed, but I cannot believe in a God that doesn't exist or care. I don't want to live in a world where everything major that I pray for is disregarded by God. If I can't trust God to provide for this small thing, how can I trust God with my life?

Religion had defined me from an early age. It is difficult removing myself from the notion of God and starting afresh. As an outsider, I see that most believers and myself included never experience true joy, even though those in the faith are said to be characterised by joy.

Despite being agnostic, I will always have some faith and I am open minded about the universe but I haven't personally seen any evidence for God.

Update (March 2017): I believe there is an encompassing spiritual entity, not connected to man-made doctrine of formal religion. For example, formal religions argue against cigarettes. I pray to that spiritual entity present inside the universe and all beings. I pray for wisdom and the right course of action.

Update (December 2020): I still have a desire to believe deep inside. I want to believe there is something greater than our lives out there. I prayed to Jesus and the Father but I received the opposite of what I prayed for. I was praying to finally be right with making investment decisions and instead as of this, today I am at the lowest level ever for my investments. The market crash I believed in last month (and the months prior) never materialised, my sister still has pressures in her head and I don't think the doctors really attended to her especially initially when they disregarded me. I read the Bible without answers. I feel like almost giving up again, I will give it until Monday. 

If I were to believe in a faith I believe the adherents should not be destroyed by natural disasters and that miracles that are deemed impossible by others should be possible.

Relgion may increase lifespan by up to 4 years but it is uncertain [1, 2, 3]

Be

Why don't I let myself be happy?

Why don't I spend each day doing the 80% of things that make me happy?

I get caught up in excuses. There is no excuse.

Happiness is what life is about.

I need to be content with myself. I don't need a lady. I don't need another person. I don't need to achieve a goal.

I compiled a list of things I was unhappy about in a day and discovered that most of it was due to a dependency on others or external events, such as girls not responding, movements in share prices, managers not providing recognition for good work, increased business fees, and stepping in a puddle.

During the Happiness Year I recorded 25 happy to 2 sad faced days. This is a pretty good result. I achieved the ratio of happy of sad days of my goal, although I was after twice as many happy days.

The two months since I returned to work were one of the saddest of periods of my life. During this time I recorded 1 happy to 6 sad face days. It was through this difficult period that I discovered that one must become free of the ego as spelled out in Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now.

I must allow myself to be happy.

The Paradox

Want: At church we are taught to ask in prayer creating an unconscious cycle of want. Not everything we want is good for us.

Easy: Most people do what is easy as opposed to what really brings them joy or makes them become an expert. Results that come easy generally do not provide a sense of accomplishment.

Greed: Greed can put everything you have earned at stake as it causes you to make trades with relatively small payoffs compared to the amount at risk.

Unemployment: The loss of a job can burst the bubble of financial security and hurt your self worth, but it can open up new opportunities.

Legality: Short term gain or pleasure may lead to punishment or prison.

Status: The hunger for status can drive us to achieve, but it can also lead to anxiety and restlessness.

Ego: Masks may be comforting and they protect the ego, however they reveal a lack of self-acceptance.

Goals: Goals give you a target to aim for, however, they set limits and perpetuates want and frustration. Living without goals is liberating and allows you to explore new territory.

Success: Achieving a goal brings satisfaction, but it is fleeting. Some seek ever-escalating accomplishments, but although the success may be worthwhile, achievements do not bring lasting happiness.

Failure: Taken correctly, failure can drive you to act, or it could plunge you into misery.

Prosperity: Prosperity is a goal of many, but without purpose it can lead to disillusion and emptiness.

Optimism: Humans have an optimism bias that overestimates the likelihood of good things and underestimates bad things, although people who are optimists live longer, are healthier and happier.

Emotion: There is an inverse relationship between emotion and thinking, it is not wise to make decisions when you are highly emotional.

Contagion: Humans are like sheep, even if you are strong willed you can be unknowingly manipulated; a group's performance is shown to be affected by emotions and actions from an outsider

Mental health: Often ignored, but it is becoming problematic in the modern world as evidenced by a ten fold increase in major depression in the last half century.

Hype: It is easy to get caught up in the excitement when gathered around people dreaming big, but you have to stay grounded and understand the realities of such endeavours.

Fame: Recognition is a fickle substance that can become a drug and lead many into the trap of under-performance.

Beauty: Incessant focus on beauty and pursuit of the perfect body breeds vanity and insecurity, for an ideal that fades away with time.

Intelligence: It pays to be intelligent and the intelligent are more likely to succeed, but a life devoted to intelligence alone is self-destructive and gives rise to snobbery.

Prediction: One who predicts does not have knowledge, but one has to be cognisant of the inputs and factors behind a prediction.

Preconceptions: One may have deep seated ideologies based on one's upbringing and experience which may limit what they believe to be possible, however these may be different to the reality that another experiences.

Tragedy: Tragic events can be very painful in the now, but they may jolt you into becoming a better person or taking a different path in the future that may not have otherwise been the case.

Death: The great equaliser, there is no certainty around how, when, or what follows, only that it will occur; for some painful, for some peaceful, unique to each individual.

Meaning: Thinking beyond the present moment into the past or future and doing things that reflect and express the self are signs of the meaningful life, however, they may be irrelevant or detrimental to happiness.