Lacking Belief

 I feel inadequate. Not worthy enough. Time is slipping away. I am on the cusp of 40.

Physical ability has declined ever so slightly. People start to say I look 30, which didn't happen before. I feel older inside too.

I poured so much effort into trading but it hasn't paid off yet.

I keep thinking of what could have been. The $10m I could have had if I kept working on my business. 

I envy other people. My feed is filled with people travelling with little financial constraint, but I don't appreciate they are in the top 0.1% as almost no-one I know personally has retired young.

I still waste my time. On slither. On news. On Twitter. Analysing the markets. I recall Twitter and financial news never made me profitable.

The attention on the markets has hurt my self belief and hurt my confidence. It also makes me less interested to go out and meet girls.

I lack motivation to go out and meet girls. It is too hot to drive in the car. It is too far away. I have a lot of issues to sort out with property sales, planning for my trip, and fitness.

I am reminded of one message I saw

Life is enjoy :) but I need to start taking action towards this. Life is not about stressing over finances. Life is not about continually thinking about building net worth. Life is not about achieving goals. I already completed most of what I wanted to achieve but I am not happy or fulfilled. 

Life is about connection.

Pain is built up over time. From reading X, continually losing in trading

I watched a coach I knew say this

Embrace every part of your identity, of who you are. Love everything about myself, the good and bad. I need to get rid of the victim mentality and feeling sorry for myself. Learn to live with my issues. Get rid of negative assumptions. There is another version of myself that has maxxed out fitness, career, mental health that is getting the results. Be interesting and exciting to be around and work on fashion, fitness, communication skills - have a stimulating fun conversation.

Takeaways from Hard Work

Last year upon the insistence of my family and my poor cashflow situation I decided to return to work. I explored a myriad of different options. I looked into working as a photographer, train driver, engineer, teacher, nurse, flight attendant, security guard, traffic controller, and considered mining, renting out property, renovation, travel events, cruises, aged care, selling options, tax preparation among other pursuits.

After the ecstacy of landing a job that I really wanted, reality set in after returning to the workforce for a few months.

I learnt some important lessons. I learnt what hard work is. I saw how hard people work for the money. I jumped into a high paying FIFO job where I worked a 84 hour week all for 65-70k + super after tax. A 100k job where you only earn 75k after tax and 35k after mortgage.

I learnt about behaviours to keep and avoid

• I learnt how quickly time flies. I overhead two guys saying that they were turning 50 and it wasn't long ago that they were 21-30
• I learnt about the importance of safety practices
• I saw my manager swearing at the computer and I don't want to be like that
• I saw how work is not living and how people struggle to get by on a high wage. One manager lives paycheck to paycheck and says it is difficult just paying bills. Another manager says going to his home country is too expensive so he hasn't seen his parents for two years
• I learnt that I am not happy sitting in front of computer all day socially isolated as I did at home because before I knew it the day was gone
• Life is gone when you are working. I wanted to end it after two shifts. You waste most of your life for work. Most people work until they retire at 67, following which they only have 7 healthy years without disability (AIHW, Healthy life expectancy). Health and happiness are more important than making money
• I have more important goals to accomplish than work. I have my precious life to live. I want a girl to love
• However, I recommend working in mining to earn, save and live frugally for those who are hungry to save some money
• I prefer working 1-2 days every two weeks, but there are almost no jobs like this except some low paying jobs. Later, I realised I prefer not to work at all as I want to travel for 3 months at a time and it is huge amount of time and energy leaving and returning to Australia
• My rentals are just as important as work as I lose 1k per week when one of them is empty
• I notice that people happy when you buy them something small and unexpected, like a tea or snack (I saw this generosity from a traveller and from customers at work)

I wrote some pros and cons for work

Pros

• Provides money so there is less financial stress (now I have a buffer so not so stressed, but my money was blown trading a few months later)
• Less time focused on markets and removes the desire to revenge trade (but I can fill my time with long term goal related activities instead; giving the login credentials to my trader has helped reduce the tedency to overtrade too)
• Social aspects - practice communication, nice when have you good people around (but I can satisfy this by actively participating in social activities, there are no long term benefits from socialising at work unless you meet a good friend, additionally most people there were not nice)
• It provided a temporary relief for me. I was feeling down thinking about markets at home. I was worried about coming winter. I had the opportunity to experience what it was like in north west WA which I wanted to see

Cons

• Not going for long term goals (marriage, building granny flat)
• Time is most important but two weeks pass by (same with every job)
• Already did many short term jobs after retirement and none provided lasting satisfaction
• Not fulfilling work (but almost noone's work is fulfilling)
• Not happy at work. Runs counter to my desire for happiness
• Don't like the work
• Only save 8k in 3 months. Can only save 30k in a year or 300k in 10 years
• Blew all money saved on trading
• Social - don't like most people, noone welcomed me when I started, only one person cares about me
• No people to have fun with
• Damage to hands, skin
• Aging
• Tires me out, draining
• Heat and flies in summer
• One week not enough to travel (this is the same with every job)
• Not enough time for travel on week off and rushing around too much, especially since most places I want to go require two flights to get to and another two flights to return
• Flights changed, delayed and cancelled - 3x
• Blowing a lot of money travelling for a week (2k in a week - 3x my usual spend)
• Not happy travelling
• Feeling of dread. Heart tighten before work
• Feel stressed at work
• Told off at work 5 times in a week and received a performance warning. Realise that no job cared about me and I hated all jobs I worked
• Night shift for many people
• Expansion of work duties - more area for tavern so more bins to clean, shutdown so more staff on site, drinks with food delivery, early 4am shifts
• Surrounded by people who I don't want to be (most colleagues were unhealthy, had damaged skin, and not smart. To accomplish my goals I need to surround myself with people who I want to be) 

I am grateful for the opportunity. It was the job I wanted and it was not easy to achieve it. I was able to save and travel for a week - almost no other job offers this flexibility. I would have otherwise been wishing I was working in FIFO, freezing in my home town, and wasted my time being angry from the trading losses.

When I travel I see people around the world living their own lives and they don't need to make a lot to live. Even if I run out of money can find some work for a day a week. For example, an Uber eats quest earns $150 for 3 hours.

There is no point working if you can lose it trading. For me, it all got gambled away. Trading did not go the way I thought it would. I lost everything I earned. Income is bottomless pit if used for trading. Even if I earn 300k I could lose all.

I accept I sacrified my career and $8-10 million of forgone personal wealth, making many mistakes in the past decade.

I feel sad that I wasn't able to recoup the $10 million forgone. I feel internal pressure to make it butit didn't happen this year. It started so promisingly, going from 5k to 150k in the space of two months before realising the strategies I had didn't work and blowing the funds saved from working. I must reflect on the positive too. I was able to do a muscle up, 30 pull ups and break my Murph Challenge PB, travel to so many cities, limit my trading losses, and land the job I wanted.

I reflect on the work I did in the past and the fact that working does not bring me happiness.

I already met retirement money although I admit that cashflow is tight and I could have had $10 million if I continued working. The only reason for work is if there is something I want to buy (such as a trip to Antarctica or building a granny flat) or if my cash flow situation is dire. I'd rather just fucking live. Working one year to save 30k isn't going to make any difference to my life. To save 10k after 3-4 months work (or 1 year for other people). I need to save 80k+ per year to save 1m in 10 years. I can instead borrow 15k to build a granny flat, but I am working so hard for that. What is the purpose of work when I can't achieve this basic figure?

I lost myself for the money that wasn't there. Selling my precious time and my soul for nothing.

Life passes by so quickly while working. I imagine working until 65-70 and reflecting on my life spent not living. Every day doing something I don't like. Every day not doing something I enjoy. Every day blurring into the next. It is not worth working the rest of 30 years of my life. At work I was told you 'work to live' but most of my life was spent working in an unsatisfying job. My goals become more and more distant as I inch closer and closer to death.

Your life is over quickly. Like everyone else in history. How do you feel about that if all you did was work? All the present eras sporting greats careers are limited. I look at my contemporaries - Ronaldo, Federer, Nadal. Soon Messi and Djokovic too.

At the same time, it is easy to become complacent and lack urgency when there is no work. Home is too comfortable. My time gets filled with lots of errands and distractions like taking mum somewhere, meeting friends, cooking breakfast, and going out for the weekend. It is not bad to do these things but I also need to focus on my long term goals.

Takeaways:

- With the same mindset, I can apply time and energy to another endeavour / goal in life I want to succeed at. I can schedule my days the same way and put actvities in a structured timetable similar to university or work. I can allocate full time hours to finding a wife
- A job can't make you rich unless you earn a significant amount more than average
- 12 years of my life until age 50 is worth 150k passive after tax or 200k before tax / 0.04 withdrawal rate = 5m networth. I need to save 400k per year to achieve 5m, which is 650k+ gross wage

- Focus on trading as the result is much greater than a job

- Being mad or angry doesn't help anyone. It only makes yourself feel worse

Getting older

I still feel young at heart and look relatively young. Feeling young is good for health. I was called 'young fella' at work. 

But deep down I know I am halfway to the average life expectancy. The big 4-0. I am looking into skin treatments to make myself look younger. Trying to pause father time but the stark reality is:

In 10 years time I will be 50. 

I saw man who used to live in the flat I grew up in and he has aged. I heard about the people who passed away in the flat. It is a sombre message about the brevity of life.

I will be past my prime at 50. My mum may not be here. I have to put in the effort to find a good partner now.

In 2024 I made the mistake of travelling too much just like I did in 2018. I don't feel genuine happiness from the travel this year (2024). Only some brief moments. I forsook girls again. It is like 2018 all over again. I spent too much time applying for work and working. I realised how bad it was afterwards.

Be dominant. Stand up for my own values. 'I want to go there. You want to come'

Neglecting Happiness

The title of this blog is Happy No Matter What

However, if I am being honest with myself I have completely neglected my happiness.

I keep pursuing other goals and at the same time my happiness levels are dire. How did I go through 2020-21 experiencing the least happy to sad faced days ever? It is primarily from neglecting happiness.

I read a psychology study which said 'while happiness can indeed be learned, the key to sustaining its benefits lies in continuous practice'.

I know a great deal of theory about happiness, but I am not happy. It is as if I read a book or watch a movie and I forget about it as time passes.

The study suggests that evidence informed habits only work if they are maintained over time

• gratitude (gratitude scan for something I am grateful for or celebrate today, external scan appreciating what is around us such as smells and laughter, while not dwelling on negative thoughts)
• mindfulness/meditation (internal body scan focusing on all of my senses, hara then below naval and out of body feeling love, deep breathes) with affirmation (I am worthy, I am enough as I am, and I can do it while visualising being calm and grounded)
• exercise
• journalling
• generosity (helping others, performing acts of kindness, being with friends)
• anticipation (schedule a joyful activity to look forward to, such as a regular nice meal, singing, or a holiday, or do something spontaneous such as going on a swing)

An uplift from performing these "happiness hacks" is not inherently lasting. Only those who actively continued to practice the “happiness hacks” managed to maintain the improved levels of wellbeing over the long term.

I regularly exercise and journal but I don't set time aside to practice gratitude and meditation. Moving forward, I will implement gratitude and mindfulness alongside my exercise routine and perform an act of kindness each week.

I must regularly reflect on what makes people happy and what makes me happy.

I know that two thirds of my happiness is dervied from fun and social activities and travel. I will make an effort to implement these activities 3 or more times each week.

I must focus on happiness goals instead of money goals. To do this, I must make happiness a habit.

I know that working doesn't make me happy. I have worked over 30 jobs. I feel down from all my jobs in the past (VPS, CVS, QS). I was given performance warnings and was treated like shit in most of my jobs. None of them were satisfying nor provided a long term social aspect. Working is not what I really want. Why the fuck I am forcing myself to do something I don't want to do? It's not how I want to spend my limited time on this planet. I'd rather spend my precious time pursuing my goals or what makes me happy.

The only reason for work is to provide a little extra money. However, I already met my retirement goal and that money is not going to make any meaningful difference to my life. A job does provides a social aspect to it and is a way to keep busy, however, there are many other means to satisfy my social needs and keep busy too.

A job would make me less inclined to go after my goals as I spend all my time working. I already worked many jobs after retirement and none provided satisfaction. In fact, working was the second highest contributor to my unhappiness during my years studying and working, which is competely opposite from my main goal of being happy.

How can I value a precious day gone? Or a whole day applying for job? The job is only temporary anyway. A job is not lasting.

A business or career means nothing to me. Many extended family members and people in general are too materialistic. Rich, selfish, and focused on money. Is driving a Porsche all there is to life?

Money is not so important. It doesn't give me joy. I have enough money but continually think about money. I don't need more money than one really needs. Material things are not important. I already can live a basic lifestyle and be satisfied travelling overseas.

The desire to have material things and competing in world is useless. I don't need money to be happy. Money is not going to bring back people. 

Money is an endless pursuit that leads nowhere. Goals never make you happy long term. I have to be satisfied with what I have.

I am wasting my life. Each day passes by. I have trauma from the past

• trauma with God for never answering prayers, leading to pent up pain with religion
• trauma from the past with financial hurt and gambling, where 70% of my unhappiness was the result of trading
• being consumed by the news, for example anger from the Gaza war and jealousy from stories of others making it rich, which leads to comparison and feels of inadequacy (I attempted to remove news however I keep succombing when I am bored)
• a recent desire to find a partner and thinking that it is too late

I want to start afresh and stop living in the past.

I recently recalled a family friend who died with $3 million cash. No-one even cares. You spend your whole life building wealth. For what?

How much money would I need to give up in the next 12 years of my life, such that I am 50 years old now? For me it is $10 million ($1 million saved per year). This is the value of time.

A huge message is that if I am not doing anything at age 38 I am not living - or equivalent to being dead.

I watched a video where old people were giving advice on life. Their take home messages were clear. Life is about living and enjoying it. You never know when life's going to end. Enjoy the years as eventually they go by. Life is about quality relationships, loving every moment, health, exercise, being at peace, having someone to talk to and love. They suggested to live on a boat, follow your dreams earlier, have a few more adventures, tell people you love them. Be positive. Be honest. Close to mum and dad. Do what is in your heart.

Fully embracing the fact that we are not going to live forever brings our values into sharp focus. 

Once you recognize that time is the most precious of all commodities, there will no longer be a disconnect between the choices you want to make and the choices you actually make.

I regret spending all the time on news, Twitter, games. Each day at home going by without achieving any of my goals.

The most common answer, according to Ware, was: “I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

Nothing excites me in Melbourne and this is summer, the best time of the year 

'The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.' - Jack London

'All those days that came and went and little did you know, they were your life' - Stig Johansson

--

Some useful tips from books I read

The Untethered Soul

I spent all day doing things I enjoy but I am not happy. My mind was constantly distracted with checking the latest news. Your inner growth is completely dependent upon the realisation that the only way to find peace and contentment is to stop thinking about yourself. The 'I' or inner voice who is always talking inside will never be content. It always has a problem with something.

Open my heart at all times. If I open my heart, I get for free what everybody is struggling for: love, enthusiasm, excitement, and energy (and healing from the energy). Nothing is that important for me to close my heart over it. If I feel I want to close it, say 'No, I'm not going to close, I'm going to relax and let this situation take place and be there with it. Embrace life with all my heart and soul.

On reflection, I took to heart wrongs I perceived my sister and close friends did to me, the envy I feel from other people who lived the life I wanted and friends earning what I perceived I was worth, the pain from the continual losses from trading, the reality not meeting expectations. I closed my heart. I have to let go of these old energies or Samskaras. I have to be open, relax my heart and forgive.

Evil

The pure evil commited by Israel shows there is no such thing as morality on this planet. 

The complete disregard by Western countries shows that human life does not matter.

1k Israelis were killed since the Hamas attacks on 7 October.

27k Palestinians have been killed from 7 October to 7 February, with a further 60k injured. Over 70% of Palestinian deaths have been women and children. A further 8k are missing presumed dead. The deaths amount to close to 2% of the entire Gazan population.

More than 8k Palestinians are in Israeli jails, 80% of whom are held without charge since 7 October 

More than 50% of Gaza City has been turned into rubble as retaliation, including more than 200 buildings of cultural and historical significance.

More than 90% of Gazan residents have been displaced.

66% of hospitals are inoperable.

7% of the existing water supply is in operation.

This is domicile.

Some statistics from January have been updated to account for the most recent data.

Two weeks after the Hamas attack on Israel, some anti-Zionist Jews pinned an op-ed calling for Israel to stop its unfolding genocide. Since then, the number of Palestinians killed has increased 10-fold while the initial condemnation to the genocide has largely faded from public attention.

The outrage sparked by the Hamas attack pales in significance to the atrocities commited by Israel in the preceding years. 

Between 2000 and the recent wave of violence, more than 10,600 Palestinians were killed by Israelis, according to human rights group B’Tselem, compared to 1,329 Israelis by Palestinians – an eight-fold difference. The decades between 1948 and 2000 are filled with tens of thousands more dead – largely Palestinians. 

The story of this conflict, the numbers clearly show, has been the story of overwhelming Palestinian death and displacement.

While there are many wars going on, this one stands out for the unprecedented scale of death and destruction committed relative to other conflicts and the complicity of Western governments for an evil akin to a modern day Holocaust.

Achievements

I am often harsh on myself. It is best to reflect on my achievements when I feel down. This is an update to my reflection from a decade ago.

I put in brackets what percentage of the population I believe would have achieved the same results

- Dux of year 12 with top 1 percentile ATAR (1 in 100) 

- Two degrees from the best university in Australia (1 in 50)

- Won Earth 2025 (1 in 5000) 

- Won online games, eg slither, slime smash, crossy road score around 1000 (1 in 100) 

- Ran marathon in 4 hours (1 in 100) 

- Won football tournament in UK (1 in 100) 

- 30+ pull ups, 100+ push ups, muscle up at age 40 (1 in 50) [1][2][3][4][5][6]

- Murph challenge in 32 minutes placing top 2% of entrants (1 in 200) [6a]

- Abs, 12% body fat percentage (1 in 50) [6b][6c][6d][6e]

- Earn 100k job by age 26, inflation adjusted to 150k (1 in 100) 

- Worked 30 jobs across industries plus 20 extra-curricular, volunteer roles (1 in 100)

- Founded 3 semi-successful businesses (1 in 500)

- Retired by age 29 (1 in 100000) 

- 3m net worth by age 33 (1 in 10000) 

- 11 houses by age 33 (1 in 10000) 

- Lost 3m, lost 200k in a day (1 in 1000000) 

- Working trading strategy (achieved before, work in progress now)

- Visited 120+ countries (1 in 10000) 

- Visited 1500+ cities (1 in 1000000)

- Lived in 20+ countries (1 in 1000000)

- 50k+ Instagram followers (1 in 50)

- Performed on TV, live stage performances, interviewed on radio (1 in 200)

- Dated 1000 girls, kissed around 200 girls (1 in 1000) 

- Slept with 50+ girls and could have been around 80 girls if I were less selective (1 in 50) [7] [8]

- Saved 2-4 lives (1 in 1000)

Nothing is Impossible is the Biggest Lie

There are many things that are impossible to achieve. 

For example:

Naturally grow my nose to 10km long

Split body into 10 and have all of the pieces move and have my mouth eat my heart

Run inside the sun

Eat the whole Earth in one go

Have sex with 10 virgin teen girls at once without pay

Win Wimbledon and Champions League and NBA title in same year

Drink with the leaders of all countries in the world

Rape all the US President's children and grandchildren on live tv while snorting 10 different illicit drugs inside most secret room of the Pentagon disclosing all classified information while being cheered on by every American 

A Trading Plan

The Plan

Find a strategy from consistently profitable traders that has be backtested over 6 months that shows consistent returns

I feel down losing again and again, but I have to rely upon and ultimately trust a strategy that has been backtested over months

I can't trade... yet

I know you've been struggling with trading for a while. Accept that what has happened has already happened. Everything good takes time. Don't talk yourself down as you know that studying for your university degrees took five years. Be patient.

Know that you have achieved all your goals in the past. You are still on a journey that would likely lead to your goal if you keep going. All your goals came with many failures along the way. All your goals took time to achieve. For instance, think about all the failures in your pick up journey and applying for internships.

Think ahead to one year in the future. Think of it as a marathon. I want to survive hundred trades, instead of riding each trade like it is life or death.

You have had some successes (focus on the positive). You have learnt to take a mathematical approach, reduced blind gambling, removed expectations, become more accepting of your losses, and are more patient with yourself. You have fewer blow outs since you hired someone to trade for you (Mar 2023) and no blow outs when you gave them the password to control the trading (Apr 2024). You have 10x'ed three times before so you know it is possible (Jun 2022, Sep 2022, Mar 2024). You have successfully pairs traded for three years so you know some trading systems do work, even if they are not as profitable as you want them to be. You evaluated many brokers and calculated that options returns are lower than futures returns based on day trading.

Oftentimes I can get the direction right but still lose money. Two times in 2024 I took my own trades and got the direction right, but both times lost money. I bought OTM options along with CFD trades in April and mix of ITM and OTM along with CFD trades in August (a small loss with ITM and big loss with OTM). This is why I should not focus on trying to trade myself.

I know it is dumb to take a directional trade without a fixed timeframe. I could wait 5+ years. I could miss the target by 100 points. Short trades have a poor payoff (Sqqq only doubled in the Mar 2020 drop, no top 20 billionaire got there by shorting, no stock doubled during the GFC). I remember the feelings of anger, hopelessness, hitting myself when I lost. I remember depositing more if it goes against me.  I don't want to go through that again. My speculation is sometimes wrong (Spx in Oct 2019, Tlt in 2023)

I know there are people who do make consistent profits from trading (Sep 2024). It is possible to replicate them even if few make it. If things don't work out, I will find experts and learn from them. I also read these tips from successful traders: Have the ability to place orders quickly. Don't have big losses. Trade on momentum. Set percentage buffer for stop loss. Stay true to your way of trading. Trying to fight Wall Street is like trying to take a casino down by gambling. Trading is not about ideological campaigns. Trading requires self-control, discipline, research, dedication. Greed will be your undoing. The market is never wrong.

Yes, you have already tested 80 subscriptions and all of them didn't work and you wasted months and years trying to find one.

Be patient and don't get stressed about it. You put in effort into the testing. Keep persisting. It only takes 1 server to work to make it. Sometimes it's best to be nurtured away from the thing you are trying to achieve. Leave it alone and do something else, and it will come. Yes, there have been many failures but accept that this is part of the journey. Accept what happened.

Above all, dont risk what you can't afford to lose. Warren Buffet wisely said: "Never risk something you need for something you don't need."

Jason Wang is my motivation. He is living the life I want. Fit, wealthy, well travelled, eating nice food

Trading or business the only way to get there

I need to be prepared to lose - I lost many times before. Have funds set aside in case I lose

Towards the end of 2024, my trading is in limbo but I still believe.

I lost with traders I thoroughly backtested. I had expectations about trading services that didn't deliver

• I decided to cut those traders loose

I blew up my account from having access to my account. The biggest risk through my whole trading journey has been myself trading and making rash decisions without a strategy

• In April I fixed this issue after allowing my trader to change the brokerage password

I blew up my account taking my own trades in April amd August and sizing too big. I had a plan but it went against me.

• I accept these losses that already occurred. I am focused on the future returns of strategies and not seeking to recoup past losses

I can do backtesting but can't be all consuming. I felt like I was dying each day. I am pychologically hurt from trading. I was too focused on trading. This is compounded by limited social life and not living the way I want. At what cost is it all. It is taking away from me, not satisfying. and draining my happiness and energy. 

• I will focus on other areas of life. A nice meal ok but I have to have a vision for my future for the next year
• I separate myself from my trading. Trading results are out of my control

Tempering Travel

A decade ago I wrote about my love for travel, but lately travel has become exhausting.

These days I am not enjoying travel in many parts of the world. There are many places I go that I don't like.

The first week of travel is cool. After a month I miss my family. I think it is time for shorter 2-4 month trips. 1 month is too short because of the arduous journey where I waste two days travelling from and returning to Australia.

Travel is competitive. While I respect the guys who travel a lot, many are single and I have to remind myself that it is not my purpose and I easily get caught up in it. Many of the people in the travel community are single or divorced [1] [2]

In October 2023 I felt down. I haven't been able to make it in trading and I was focusing too much on travel. My money was gone just like it was after Ecuador/Peru in 2022. I followed many subscriptions that didn't work. I was derided by my overseas family for only travelling. I miss my mum and my sister travelling for so long. I prefer shorter stints now. It is just collect a bunch of dots on the map. There was no enjoyment except briefly in some cities where my cousins live. I am not even getting girls.

I didn't enjoy the trip. Or being away for so long. It was exhausting and no fun. I thought the trip would be cheap and cheerful but it was not to be. I have relatives and friends making one million dollars an year. I am living at home in a basic house, with no nice furnishing, no car, and can't even afford a good top.

At the end of my September 2024 trip I felt really exhausted. I went through tough conditions in the third world. I am not going for my goals. I am not attracted to the girls in the places I am in. I don't enjoy the places I visit. What is the point of going to so many places I don't enjoy? One or two is ok, but so many?

I have other places I enjoy but I didn't go to them. I have other things I like doing but I don't do them. Instead I put myself through a lot of moments I don't like. A lot of uncomfortable buses, trains, and cities with no attractive girls or amazing sites. 

Travel goes against my dream of having a girl and family. There is no happiness going to places I don't enjoy. Travel to purely tick off cities 'darting around' doesn't bring me joy. I didn't have any joy from travel in 2023 or 2024. I darted around Europe - no girls. I darted around central Asia - no girls. I am not staying anywhere long enough. I am repeating the same mistakes. 

I feel disappointed in myself for travelling and ticking off one more city but not achieving my long term goals.

Takeaways

- Shorter travel stints of 3 months

- Few stops in places I don't enjoy

- Balance my travel - go to places I enjoy and things I like doing like dating girls. 

- Stay somewhere I enjoy for 2+ weeks then dart around 1 week

- Focus more on trading. No more subscription services - tested two more services in 2024 and both failed

--

It was never my intention to visit all the countries in the world.

In 2012 when I was in El Salvador my friend asked me about visiting all the countries in the world but I never thought I would.

In 2017 when I was in the Golan Heights I spent a long time marvelling at Syria, thinking that I would never actually step foot in it.

In 2019 I spent four months in Europe and could have easily visited over 20 countries but I chose to stay in four countries for weeks at a time. In fact, I stayed in Minsk for three weeks and didn't even venture out to the rest of Belarus. I do regret this a little but I had other goals at the time. I also chose to spend two months at the end of 2019 staying in countries I visited before.

In 2022, I spent 10 months in Latin America and I could easily have completed all the countries in South America but I chose not to.

There were many times I could have ticked off a country but I chose not to. I was on the Bolivian border in Peru and could have taken a boat across to Bolivia but I chose to save it for another trip. While in Seoul I considered taking a trip to the DMZ to tick off North Korea but I didn't take it. Likewise while I was in Zurich I considered taking a trip to Liechtenstein but I didn't take it.

Having said that, I went out of my way to visit San Marino, deliberately chose to visit Belize from Mexico, and drove to Lesotho from Johannesburg so I do enjoy ticking off a country in some circumstances.

As 40 approaches and after passing 100 countries I thought it would be a cool goal to complete all the countries in the world before I hit 40. But after some more thinking, I decided against putting a timeframe on it as it stresses me out and is not enjoyable for me anymore. My initial goal was driven by watching other travellers, which fuels inspiration but it also gives rise to competition and envy. It also takes away from my more important goals as was the case when I previously travelled hard.

I have my whole life to finish all the countries. But I have limited time to fuck around. I want to have a long term partner that leads to marriage soon. Basically I have one last chance before I settle down. I wanted to meet girls in Central Asia but it is too conservative.

I wrote about my desire to marry, however I want to spend one more year being single and hooking up with girls. I will spend some time gaming next year instead of visiting every country. I will search for girls in advance. I don't like wasting all my time doing street game.

The whole point of life is to be happy and do what I enjoy.

--

Some travel statistics:

I retired in Jan 2015 (40 countries approx). From Jan 2015 to Dec 2024 (120 countries approx) - 10 years retired, approx 66 months away. 19 months Aus (7 Perth/WA, 4 Brisbane, 4 Darwin, 4 Adelaide) - 5 cities in Australia for 3+ months each. 47 months overseas. Prior to Jan 2015 - 10 months away

Settling Down

Early this year I started considering a long term partner and eventually marriage more seriously.

In recent years I have been chasing girls for short term flings and sex. However, I always had the idea of marriage in the back of my mind.

It started with an argument I had with my sister. I was there for my sister every single day visiting her while she was in hospital, bringing her food, and researching cures. Without my help she may not have lived or she would have lived her life in a vegetative state. However, not once did she prepare anything for myself and my mum when we had covid. Not once did she help me look for answers when I was battling my depression and crying myself to sleep every night. Not once did she hug me when I was lying on the floor shouting and crying because the demons were attacking me.

This prompted me to tell her what it meant to be a decent human and what it meant to go above and beyond, to love someone.

Through the tears I discovered what I truly value. Love. Real connection with those close to me, i.e. family. And it made me discover that I want to marry someone who truly loves me and will be there with me through thick and thin. Because if we don't have each other what do we have.

In late 2024 this idea was reinforced when my mum left on a trip. I felt lonely. I really missed  her connection. I miss someone to be with. I want someone who can be here with me through good and bad times. To me this is way more important than money.

All this time I have been chasing temporary highs. I chased money, girls, travel, watching sports. Others chase it through alcohol, drugs, tv, food, status. All these provide temporary satisfaction then we want the next hit.

I want someone to hug when I am down. Someone who tells me everything is going to be ok. Someone who loves me. Someone to make love to every now and then.

It is signficantly harder to attract young girls as I get older. The effort required to search for girls will only increase as I age. I am also less interested in chasing girls as I was when I was younger due to my lower sex drive, even though there is still an interest. I also achieved most of what I wanted. Now the desire for love and connection is much stronger than when I was younger. I am getting older. I have lived half my life and I want to spend half my life with someone I love.

Married men are healthier than men who were never married or whose marriages ended in divorce or widowhood. Men who have marital partners also live longer than men without spouses; men who marry after age 25 get more protection than those who tie the knot at a younger age, and the longer a man stays married, the greater his survival advantage over his unmarried peers [1]. Married and cohabiting males live 8 years longer than single males at age 50 [2 - Fig 2b, Table 2]. 50 year old men who are married will live about four years longer than never-married men [3]. Married men live 4 years more than never married men at age 65 [4]. 

I would prefer a partner who is younger than me. The mortality risk of a husband who is seven to nine years older than his wife is reduced by eleven percent compared to couples where both partners are the same age. Conversely, a man dies earlier when he is younger than his spouse [5]. However, bereavement is associated with a higher death rate. Healthy men who lost a wife were 2.1 times more likely to die than healthy men who were not bereaved. The risk was greatest from seven to 12 months after the loss, but an elevated death rate persisted for more than two years [6].  In the year after losing a spouse, men are 70% more likely to die than similarly aged men who did not lose a spouse [7] . Age gap couples are more likely to report greater trust and commitment [8].

Getting a new girl is temporary happiness. I remember the pain through 2020 after sleeping with 30 girls the year prior. I was always chasing the next lay like a drug addict chases their next hit. I rather create shared experiences and family together.

An elderly female acquaintance told me: Who is going to take care of you if you are old and have no money? When you are young you have suitors chasing you, but that won't be the case when you are old.

I am sick of dating apps

I am sick of limited sex, due to travelling and then searching for girls again in a new location

I don't enjoy street/day game or night game. I am not interested to go out just to chat to girls.

Some qualities I am after in a girl: Loyal. Good heart. Loves family. Wants children. Open to moving overseas. Respects Asian culture. Loves me and cares for me through good and bad times. Accepts that I am unconventional. Not easily offended. Frugal and likes looking out for bargains. Playful. I am interviewer qualifying her. I know I am able to get a 20yo overseas

---

November 2024 update:

I need to think long term, not just thinking about the next trip I take. 

I get caught up in the addiction of visiting the next place but don't put the effort into finding my life partner. I understand I have not been seriously thinking about having a long term partner until year, however I must put in the effort to make it happen now.

I know I am getting older. Travelling to a new country does not even compare to how important this is to me.

Just like in 2018 I travelled too much. I visited over 100 cities. I don't feel happy travelling. Only for a few days in New Zealand did I actually enjoy my travels.

What Do I Want In My Life?

As I approach 40, I ask myself, what do I want in my life?

Is this the way I want to live my only life? The most productive years of my life.

Thinking about money [Don't have a job that is solely focused on money or spend all my time thinking about money]

Chasing sex [Aim to get married long term]

Reading news [Limit reading news to once a day]

Never at ease [Do an activity to relax and take it easy once a week]

Limited social life [Connect with old friends and meet new friends]

No

Where do I want to be?

Do I want to be in the cold? [Don't live in Australia during the winter]

With little social life/dates? [Aim to get married long term]

Always concerned about a tight budget [Boost savings for a while with a job for 4 months if trading doesn't work out]

No

Do I want to be travelling to places that I don't enjoy? [Don't just try to tick off every region when I don't enjoy it]

Getting envious watching other travellers? [Don't follow other travellers so much as it is not my purpose]

Always checking dating apps trying for another lay? [Aim to get married long term]

No

I need to learn to be really grateful for what I do have, and try to live each day like it might be my last.

In December 2023 I set myself some goals

- Cruises to Greenland/Antarctica

- Buy a house for my mum with less cleaning involved (updated from having a cleaner at home)

- Pay off my mortgages

- Make it in trading

These goals require money. If I achieve my goal of making it in trading then I would be able to achieve the other goals. I would also be able to return to around 10m networth that I would have had if I didn't lose it all and kept developing property.

However, at the same time I don't want to be consumed by money. It is so easy for people to think only about money and lose sight of life.

- Find myself a girl to love

I wrote that my long term goal is to have a girl to love in Settling Down.

The Days Are Long but The Years Are Short

When I reflect on the past decade, my main regret is by far my gambling followed by playing games. But there are not many things I would have changed.

My friend turning 40 gave me a wake up call.

I can't believe I am almost 40.

Half of my life gone. My mum is getting old with grey hairs and a hunchback. Time just goes by so damn quickly. I think of myself as a spritely 20-something year old but I am not. I feel extremely sad that I won't be young anymore and that my mum is getting old. No matter what I do I can't change that. I became old before I knew it. I try to grasp time by ticking off things I enjoy, by having goals, by having a bucket list. But time is still passing. I grieve for my youth, even though for the most part I did achieve what I wanted to achieve.

Nothing really matters. I reflect on mortality and time more than most but no matter what I do I can't stop time. That's why I retired early, spurred on by listening to Avicii - I Could Be The One on repeat. That's why I don't work even though my good friends earn 200-300k per year. 

I put effort into looking young. But my looks will fade. 

I put effort into getting rich. But I can't take money to the grave.

I know I have to accept I am 40, but I don't feel 40 and most people think I am in my mid-20s. I still like dating around. I only have this limited time left. I must do whatever I want now. I could start a property or Airbnb business. I could start a broking business. I could start a tutoring business. I could work in FIFO on a two week on, two week off schedule. I could continue developing property. I could earn 300k per year (or 200k after tax), but it doesn't bring me happiness. 

Most people waste their life working in something that they dislike, not enjoying their life, not going for their dreams, while becoming overweight, mindlessly consuming media, and going through issues that they are unhappy with (be it political, societal, physical, mental). This is a terrible predicament. Before you know it your life is over and you did absolutely nothing, your employer or society was in control of your life and it is over. There is no amount of money in the world that can bring your life back.

That's why I want to have someone by my side, especially since the effort to find multiple girls is huge and the effort only increases as I age, plus I have a lower sex drive, and I may break the law. 

That's why I want to go on cruises. 

That's why I want to do activities I enjoy (travel, golf, water rides, driving nice cars, singing, having nice meals)

I keep asking myself do I want to rewind my life to when I am 20 and honestly I don't have a clear answer.

I worked the jobs I wanted. I have been in many industries. Career wise, I achieved everything I wanted at a young age. I retired before 30. I travelled a lot. I dated a lot of girls. I have a few good friends. My health and fitness is excellent for my age. I look young. I made money and have three properties. Yes, I could have had 12 properties if I didn't lose it trading. I regularly reflect on my losses of $3 million if I didn't do anything or $8 million if I continued working and developing property. I also feel defeated from losing continually month after month. My heart feels sad reflecting on what happened. I am angry about the time I lost in 2020-21 just as much as I am angry about the money lost.

However, I had planned to retire with 1-1.5m and that objective is still met from when I did retire in early 2015. I still can achieve 100k per year in passive income once I pay off my home loans. Most people would be satisfied with three properties and most of the debt paid off. Plus, I still have an opportunity to make money trading or through property or another venture.

Yes, of course I like to be young again. However, I see bleak prospects for young people in the coming decade. 

Despite my losses and whatever age I may be, I only have one life. There is no point dwelling on my losses or my age as there is nothing I can do about it. To find inner peace, do not dwell on a thought or feeling. Allow the thought or feeling to come and go without focusing on it, letting it float past like a cloud. I am not how I feel. No matter what has happened in the past, I cannot change the past. Let it go.

Acceptance is the only way to achieve peace with the past and move forward. Removing that attachment to how things should be means we can allow in acceptance of everything right here and right now. Every day I spend mourning the past is another day of my life that just slipped away. Importantly, we all have so little time remaining in life, no matter if we are young or old. My life is slipping by and it is over before I know it. Today is the youngest I will ever be. The key lesson is: I can either not live* (as was the case in 2020-21 where my happy to sad days ratio was the worst ever. Having said that, I need to appreciate what happened - I saved my mum and my sister's lives and I learnt not to directionally trade the markets without a backtested strategy and now I learnt to live so it is worth it at the end) or live a life I enjoy. If a week goes by where you are not fully living, ask yourself is there something I should change in my life. Am I going to live or am I going to die?

Our decision for what we are going to do in our lives is the only thing we can control as all external factors are out of our control.

The only thing I can do is go for what makes me happy for both the short and long term (a long term girl, travel, activities, time with family, fitness). The truth hits me so hard. This realisation makes me feel more alive than ever and I awake to a new dawn.

Coming Confrontation and Citizenship Abroad

The world is moving towards an ominous period. The spectre of conflict looms as polarity widens between the two dominant world superpowers.

The past five years has seen a number of concerning developments. 

China has increased its assertiveness in its region, while making clear that it has an overarching objective of reunification with Taiwan. An increased presence of Chinese vessels has strained relations with its neighbours. Meanwhile, the United States has pivoted towards the Pacific and increasingly so following its withdrawal from Afghanistan, with its primary focus being curtailing China and rallying allies under the guise of common values. This is made abundantly clear from its decision not to participate in the Russia-Ukraine conflict, and instead divert its attention towards China.

The United States has been successful in building pacts with other countries, especially so since Biden came into office. Initially, this has been focused on countries that surround China and wield economic power, namely Australia, India and Japan. This has been seen by strengthening of military ties and trade cooperation. In the meantime, both China and the United States have been courting countries in the Pacific and to a lesser extent Europe. The United States has become increasingly open about how it views China as a threat and that it does not tolerate its political system to have any sway in the world. It has eroded public sentiment and goodwill towards China, with China being demonised for COVID-19 and the country isolating itself from the rest of the world.

Behind the scenes, it is imperative to keep in mind that the US's primary motivation is to ensure it remains the most powerful country in the world. The media has played a significant role in portraying China in a poor light highlighting arguments of democracy for Taiwan and human rights for the Uyghurs. However, none of these arguments can be further from the truth, given that the United States supports many countries with a poor human rights record. Although such efforts by the media may serve a purpose of inciting destablisation among Chinese citizens.

External factors too mean a confrontation becomes all the more inevitable. An impending recession would weaken public support for both the US and Chinese Presidents, with a cry against a common enemy being a unifying cause worth fighting for in the public's eyes. A restless US military with next to none personnel deployed abroad will look for an outlet given the US's imperious appetite for war. Last but not least, China and Japan are the largest foreign holders of US debt. Any conflict would significantly weaken China and the allies of the US including Japan, while relatively strengthening the US and result in the US not necessarily needing to repay its debt obligations.

The recent actions taken by both US and China has renewed fears of what it may mean for the world. The ghosts of World War II are long forgotten. As we enter a new cold war, the consequences this time around are dramatically multiplied by the build up of nuclear arsenal and long range high yielding missiles.

--

Due to the risk of confrontation, I intend to take up a second passport at some point. I will look for the following factors in deciding where to take up a passport.

Likely won't be invaded

Good flight connections

Cheap

Restaurants and facilities

Warm (as my city is cold for over 8 months and year)

Enjoy

Easy to make friends

Lots of activities to do

Large country to explore

Good for mental health as won't hear stories, no worries

Tax rate

Some countries I considered: Brazil, Peru (if there is war). Malaysia (but there is no dual citizenship)

Reflection at Angel Falls

I am nothing. Compared to the stars. 

I already lived half my life. 

Wasted a lot of my life refreshing tradingview, fretting about which direction the market will go, crying over another loss/another failure, reading news. Saying can't believe it when the markets move against me and depressed from the markets. 

In reality my life is passing me by. Chasing after nothing. Chasing norp. Chasing money. 

Is this the way I want to live my limited life?

I will just follow someone better than me as I keep losing trading even when I get the direction right.

Future Self Journalling

 What pattern/behaviour do I want to change?

Oct 21 - Gambling mentality. Got to let it go. It didn't work. The gambler mentality of chasing one big win doesn't work. I have failed. That is the past me

Dec 21 - Revenge/random trades. Norp. Hitting myself

Affirmations / statements to help me achieve this (what would I say to a friend?)

Oct 21 - I am putting away my old gambling self. I forgive myself. Forgiveness frees myself and leads to self healing. 

Dec 21 - I am strong. I am building discipline. I accept myself. I have a burning desire to be a good trader - it is my biggest goal - this thinking led me to achieve in the past

How will I practice this?  I have the opportunity to be my future self today when I

Oct 21 - Stop dwelling on negativity - 'try to be positive'. Stop wasting time watching the market (it doesn't make me happy)

Dec 21 - 2 trades max per day. Do 20 pushups when want to watch norp. Tell myself 'I accept myself + everyone makes mistakes'. Accept wins and losses. Understand this is a journey

What am I grateful for / accomplishment 

Oct 21 - Returning home, cool breeze, someone said I look young

Dec 21 - Health, intelligence. Earth 2025 - knowing I can do it

What do I love about myself?

Oct 21 - Reasonably healthy. Have achieved everything I wanted even if it took time. Decent person

Dec 21 - I am a good person overall

The person I am becoming will experience more of / traits?

Oct 21 - Discipline. Patience. Positivity. Experience life

Dec 21 - Joy. Patience. Calm

When I think about who I am becoming I feel

Oct 21 - Feel cautious, small spark

Dec 21 - Scared, emotional

The Tortoise and the Hare

In trading, I have always tried to go for the quick win. Taking option trades that will make the most money, despite the inherent risk, and almost always losing it all in the process.

I learnt that trading should be boring. The goal is consistency. Consistent profits each week.

I wrote a mid year review after reading over my journal.

The disappointment

• I am 36 now. 4 years to go to 40
• I wasted the first half of the year constantly losing in the financial markets. I was dogmatic in how I viewed the markets - I was not trading, but gambling. I wasted endless hours watching every tick in the markets, getting emotional with every movement. This affected my mood all day, led to bouts of anger and sadness, arguments with my family, and resulted in heart palpitations
• All my dreams dashed. I was dreaming of getting a Porsche after I recouped my losses. 
• I didn't want to sell the home. It was my pride and joy. I really don't want to.
• I remember when I was in university, betting in the footy and losing 7 in a row and giving up. It feels like that might be the destiny.
• Every single bet has gone wrong except the money I gave to pairs trading (arbitrage) and sports matched betting ---> I lose when I play directionally
• I wasted time playing agar/slither and watching norp when I was down
• My goals at the start of the year didn't work out
• Trading (followed goal but didn't work) - I planned to short until June (following Larry Williams) but it didn't work (the goal was completely wrong. 1, shorting is gambling and 2. I still continued until November). I reached out to profitable traders but I couldn't fully trust quants and I received mentoring from Fro, but I haven't been able to take time to trade properly (found some mentors and learnt how to trade and I possibly adopted a system that works now)
• Agar/Slither didn't make me happy in 2020 and I continued (didn't follow goal) (quit agar/slither mid year)
• Twitter and financial news didn't make me profitable. I did minimise it to remove the noise but it didn't make me profitable again in 2021 and all top calling traders failed (followed goal but didn't work) (have a reduced twitter feed now, but still can succumb to endless browsing which I need to control)
• Watch 1 game video a day and think about what I could have done in interactions (didn't follow goal as lacked motivation) (did eventually start gaming sporadically; need to start actually watching 1 game video a day)
• Realised Biblical God didn't answer my prayers. I always wanted to believe in something beyond this world but I haven't experienced anything to show me that it exists. Wrote about focusing on happiness (however no goal was stated)

The reality

• Every trader that called for a top got it wrong including many smart people, so I can't fully blame myself. I can't be too harsh on myself
• Government travel restrictions and lockdowns meant that I couldn't travel even if I wanted to
• My eyes were dry when the colder weather started and it was hard to look at the screens. I acknowledge I should have moved to a warmer climate earlier
• I was depressed (mentally struggling and lacking motivation) plus I was living at home, which meant affected my desire to game

The opportunity

• While I was dead emotionally, I maintained a level of fitness through regular walks and stretches and having regular distractions
• I realise I have an opportunity. Not many people take time to regroup mid-year. This is a gift. I must grasp this opportunity
• I took a chance to move to a warmer climate and reset. So far, my eyes are better and I am tentatively optimistic
• I had my first dose of the vaccine. This allows for more options, particularly relating to travel
• I have financial market mentors (Vini, Enjoy, Oblique, Hussain) that I can watch and learn from. I see that it is possible to grow quickly..
• While I watch the markets, I can watch a game video or game related post
• Thoughts about working: I feel so sad looking for jobs. I earned 90k/year 10 years ago (VPS 4). Applying for first job is the toughest as I have been out of work for so long and I have no idea what I will be asked. What job I find is the level I will perceive myself as. It may take time to get back to previous salary. My aim is to nail interviews. From my experience it took me 6 months to find a job previously (Oct 2012 to Mar 2013) and ended up receiving two offers. My friends earn a 170k package. I never enjoyed working. I felt down doing manual work for Sam, down from VPS jobs in the past.

Bad habits - shouting (ended shouting), negative self talk/complaining (reduced negative self talk), norp (still on and off), avoiding game as live at home (started gaming again), avoided a mentor for long time (found some mentors that didn't necessarily work, however I possibly found a good system now), thinking only of the reward not the risk (always thinking about RR now). Actions - reduce exposure to norp triggers, be mindful of my habits, know benefits of avoiding

Good habits - Respect stop/not re-enter or break rules (have a defined entry and exit now), learn from mistakes/struggle, plan each day and schedule each week, happy birthday, marbles each week - did I live a life worth smiling about this week/quality of life more important than money, treating family and being present

Vision board - date tees, Porsche, happy. Accomplished everything I envisioned in the past, accept that I can trade eventually, others have done it, good at analysis

Conviction - what if you had to save your child, do whatever it takes. Currently each day just passes and I am not present

Statement - I will become a non-emotional trader who follows my stop loss winning 70% of weeks by December 2021. Follow 3 methods - Vini, Fro, BestForexMethod (these methods didn't work)

() denotes Dec 2021

Update: December 2021

Time

• Time is critical. I wish I can rewind the time to when I was in university/school. All I have is now. Life in the future may not come, regret not making the most of time. I have to make the most of the present and live for my own vision. Ask myself each day what do I want to do with my time and what could go wrong if I spend my time doing X activity (eg agar, playing chartgame). Being busy is the distraction from living
• Ask what percent of my life is left
• In the face of death, nothing matters. Your problems don't mean a big deal. 
• What am I doing with my life? Am I just procrastinating my life and making excuses? At any moment something can happen. Our minds are just thinking of little issues, accumulation. Life is short. Don't waste it. Go after goals. We either go for what we want or simply not get it, the result is certain if we don't go for it.

Lessons

• I have always suffered. It is more so in the past two years. However, I feel like it's always been there as I wrote 'It wasn't meant to be like this' 3 times already. 
• Have a vision for myself and reflect on my priorities each week. 
• 'I try to think positive' no matter the situation. So easy to dwell on and wallow in grief but it doesn't help anything. I must move on.
• Repeat 'I believe in myself. I know and accept my self worth'
• Don't spend time thinking about things that I cannot control (politics, direction of markets, etc). Choose what content I consume and what I want not based on what others want. What I can't control does not affect my state
• Be at peace, not caught in ups and downs. Don't get emotional if something bad happens. Treat the situation as an opportunity to be mentally stronger and less reactive. I can handle whatever is thrown at me. I had lots of bad experiences in my past and I managed to get through it. I release myself from my past emotional cycle
• Be willing to be uncomfortable. Talk to people and get to know them without expectation or leeching even if I am scared. Comfort destroys growth
• Living by myself doesn't solve anything. There is no happiness if other areas of life are not sorted
• Love is anxiety's greatest killer. Love is an attitude to life. Love life. Love every living being. Love the good and the bad.

Trading

• I lost everything. I lost all my capital and don't have anymore. This was the worst case scenario and it played out. I don't even have enough to start again. All my income went into trading. One loss and I was gone
• I was stressed from the losses and this constant stress on my nervous system was impacting my health and sleep
• I didn't know how to trade even in the middle of this year. I was Googling and reading forums for trading systems (and playing agar/slither) in the library after placing unmonitored order flow trades as I was not awake during RTH  and it didn't work for me. I was following trade alerts from Altitude108, mentors and other alert services but 1. trades could happen any time of the day so I was monitoring the market 8+ hours per day and stressed out, 2. it was not my system, 3. it didn't make me consistent profits
• My mentors failed me - Vini (Breakeven after 1.5 months), Hussain (losing streak), Oblique (few live trades), EST (not profitable in Sep), Enjoy (breakeven month), LKS (choosing their wrong trades), Altitude108 (didn't make profits with them)
• Personally didn't follow trades/taking random trades
• Swing short is extremely difficult to get right. TSLA puts lost - TSLA kept going up. Alex was short TSLA. Alex called TSLA topping and VIX but now I am down to 25k from 200k top and then it ended negative. Jam said big down move this year. It touched the top of the trendline. I believed in the Great Conjunction which didn't occur
• It's cathartic to open up and reflect on what happened
• SPX didn't hit projection of 200ma touch
• Encore short didn't work (Anna / Canadian soccer mom wrong)
• Spent hours and hours devising plan for SPX. Then hours watching every tick. Hours getting stressed. Feeling demoralised. Hours wasted not going after my goals in life. AND it never worked 
• Doesn't matter where I fucking go (to get away), doesn't matter what I fucking do, I get fucked.
• I will end up with the same results (blowing up my account) if I follow what I did in the past
• Flows need 3:1 win as stop can be 25% and 10% profit target and averages down (so far 113w, 15l). Don't want to average down
• Chris_L_NCT, Ashford, James Bradley - done in first 2 hours

I saw a counsellor and wrote the following notes.

On 7 September I wrote:

What did I learn from last blowout? Trading large size caused it. I lacked self control. I didn't follow my rules. I need to only trade with what I can afford to lose. I need to follow my rules. Set a a daily drawdown limit. Have an accountability partner. I don't have to make back my loss on the same day - if I am in a hole, the hole can keep growing. 

Trading my rules is more important than money. I can't trade when I am feeling emotional, when I am feeling good or bad. With emotion it's hard to be clear or rational. I have traded a particular way risking it all for years - making a change is not easy as it is just like substance abuse. It only takes one mistake to make it a big loss.

On 15 September I wrote:

My emotion got into it. If had my time again wouldn't take the random trade. I took a revenge trade where I was trying to recoup my losses quickly. Gamblers anticipate the win. It is difficult not to be emotionally charged and I lost control. I am hurt and struggling from this. If the trade doesn't work, the loss makes me feel worse. 

I must learn to not care about a win or loss, I must learn to not care about the money. I am happy to lose it all, just follow the process. It's just a trade. It is me versus my boundaries and I broke my boundaries. Be alert and not exhausted when I trade. 

On 28 September I wrote:

I am still revenge trading, Ask whether I am being rational or irrational during each trade. Emotion can make it irrational. Leave computer screen if I am being irrational.

I write my rules down on sheet of paper and I must follow my rules. Control addiction. For gamblers when they go out, it is recommend that they only take the amount they can lose and put the credit card away at home. When in difficulty, talk to my partner.

Trading lessons:

• Aim to trade the process and a win is if you follow the process, not if you profit or lose
• Minimise impact of losing trade on account balance. It will affect you if you lose big. 
• Learn from mistakes - journal and review how the trade went and your mistakes
• Always another trade. Long term results > short term movements of your account. Always remember we can't predict the market
• Take a loss and get out. Need to accept losses as part of the journey. Understand I will have losing periods. There is always another trade tomorrow. I don't need this trade 
• Have friends that support you and a coach who has done it for a temporary period

Think about where I will be 1 year from now, 5 years from now. Have a vision or goals for where I will be.

 

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

- Belief / value - I can get good at trading (although acknowledge it may take time). Need strong belief to keep going
 - Event - I make a loss, I am tired, misinterpretation
- Thought - I must recoup the loss (should or must - means emotion out of whack), I just want to grow the account a little, I just want the wins not the losses
- Feeling - I feel anger, the feeling of 'not again', down
- Behaviour - I punched my leg
- Dispute - no evidence that I will recoup, or will win, if it didn't win doesn't mean I am a failure
- Effective belief of thought - losses are normal, millionaires accept losses are part of it, I don't know the outcome of any trade, I am happy to lose the amount I risk, I follow my trading rules

Why I hate Australia

I used to adore this country. I felt a sense of pride as a child growing up in this country. 

Its beautiful, wide open plains that poets waxed lyrically over. Its carefree attitude, with its ocker sense of humour; one that never took itself too seriously. Its unashamedly brash support of the underdog, and patriotism egging on its little battlers on the world stage.

What has changed? Here is a list of reasons why I have grown hate this country.

• Not possible to leave the country, except if you qualify under strict conditions*
• While the population is not able to travel abroad, the Prime Minister can leave to NZ and UK without even attending G7 and the Queensland Premier is free to plan a trip to the Tokyo Olympics
• Almost every other democratic country has opened its borders and allows its citizens to travel abroad
• Significant barriers to re-enter the country if you leave
• Lockdowns in almost every state when virus numbers are almost non-existent compared to other countries where no lockdowns are imposed; leaders completely dumb to the fact that the repercussions of the lockdown far outweigh the benefits
• State Government letting people in then locking us down. Letting interstate people in when there was covid there (while other states blocked them) and then getting locked down.
• Impossible to get a covid vaccine for under 40s even if you want one combined with relatively slow rollout of the vaccine* (while you can practically get the vaccine in every other developed country)
• Rise of issues that have no interest to majority of population (LGBT, equality, Aboriginal rights) to a point where they crowd out issues affecting the population
• Rising push to change national symbolism because it offends segments of the population (Australia Day, rewording of the national anthem)
• Rise of political correctness to a point where you have to be careful about what you say in case you offend someone
• Poor attitude where people are becoming more entitled, and less willing to work hard
• Anecdotal evidence of rise of employees faking claims to receive compensation from their employer
• Decline of friendliness; not long ago people were happy to speak to strangers, while people are becoming increasingly wary of others and also full of complaints
• Incompetent leaders and opposition leaders at both the federal and state level with no vision for the future whatsoever
• Federal and state governments took on enormous amount of debt and continue to embrace debt, while completely ignorant of the consequences, which are certain to come
• People are always arguing for handouts and not thinking about where the money is coming from
• Media is conformist; the media is almost completely of the one opinion with no opposing views (primarily leftist viewpoints)
• Leaders and media are always attacking China and Russia
• Attacking China for human rights issues but ignoring far greater human rights abuses in India and Saudi Arabia (that Australia implicitly supports) along with many other countries around the world (e.g. Saudi killings in Yemen receive no coverage in the media)
• Attacking China for its sovereign issues but ignoring separatist movements and uprisings in Israel, Spain, Lebanon, Chile and other parts of the world
• Taking the lead in provoking China to a point where Australia is the only country China has imposed such harsh economic sanctions and tariffs on, while Japan and India (that are also part of the Quad) have escaped unscathed
• Leaders and media dogmatically suck up to the US
• Vilifying individuals the country dislikes (Richard Pussey – when he didn’t commit any crime, Eddie McGuire – for jokes he made, Dave Hughes – for stating something he doesn’t agree with)
• Supporting its losers on the world sporting stage who have achieved nothing except stir controversy while never giving due credit to true champions (Nick Kyrgios v Novak Djokovic)
• Adulation of certain occupations only because they provide a public service (fire fighters, police, nurses) 
• Significant share of population thinks they are living in the best country in the world, which is blatantly incorrect, subjective, and biased
• Majority of population are overweight while thinking they are not overweight
• There are other reasons I dislike Australia too (such as geographical distance) but the outlined reasons have developed over recent years

* As of June 2021

Update September 2021

• Tyrannical restrictions apply when most other western countries have no or limited restrictions despite higher covid numbers. Melbourne holds the world record for most number of days in lockdown, following which covid numbers exploded, showing a complete failure in controlling covid while achieving harsh lockdowns
• Allowing covid to spread in NSW and Victoria due to poor hotel quarantine systems and inadequate controls. It was a blatant failure of the state governments to implement any measures when Indian travellers were returning to the country, which led to this prolonged and now uncontrollable outbreak. Furthermore, Victoria was letting people in from NSW despite their high case load and the chief response officer said that they very confident that covid would be controlled and then decided to lockdown less than a week after his comments
• Deliberately thwarting people from the right to protest by stopping public transport. All the while its citizens look down on and mock protesters
• Mandatory vaccinations for certain occupations and to enter hospitality and entertainment venues, effectively destroying the lives of people who oppose vaccines. There is no freedom of choice in this country
• Incorrectly advising citizens to take vaccine shots 4 weeks apart, when it is proven that this reduces vaccine efficacy
• The Prime Minister jets off to the US while travel restrictions are still in effect. The Prime Minister is free to take off on another overseas jaunt, yet its citizens are subjected to stringent restrictions on entering or leaving the country which no other country has in place
• Australia initiating the AUKUS security pact, once again taking the lead on a belligerent stance against China, which has dismayed our neighbours including NZ, Indonesia and Malaysia, as well as angering France due to the treachery in cancelling the submarine deal
• Australians are supportive and at the very least complicit of its actions against China. It is shocking that there has been no uprising or protest, when there are protests on leftist issues such as refugees or womens rights
• Appalling treatment of Djokovic who had been granted an exemption to play in the Australian Open and then stripped of it, rendering the Australian Open an inconsequential tournament as it deliberately expelled qualified players from competing (Jan 2022)

Australia masquerades as a democracy when in fact it is governed as a dictatorship.

Upon reflection, Australia has always had a racist past. Perhaps it was foolish to ignore such a dark history and believe that it could change. For decades, this country adopted a White Australia Policy, intentionally took away the rights of its indigenous population, loved racist banter, and looked down on Asians. Australia was America's dog in every war, willingly participating in pointless wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. More recently, Australians expressed unease over Chinese foreign investment and frowned upon Chinese (both local and international) buying up property without paying the same attention to investment from other countries.

2023 Update: 

• Deteriorating health outcomes (longer wait times, reduced bulk billing, increasing obesity)
• Declining education outcomes since 2000 (reading, maths and science)
• Increasing homelessness since 2006
• Middle class being priced out of housing while the cost of living crisis begins to impact them
• Two thirds of the population supportive of the offensive (not defensive) submarine and missile acquisition
• effectively rendering Australia as a state of the United States that would likely participate in any conflict the United States is involved in given its record in participation in previous wars
• and adding to the already enormous amount of public debt
• Australia has always discriminated against Asians. I experienced bullying in schools. 
• People not happy Asian students and buying property. Bamboo ceiling - Asian no representation in executive and political roles standing up for Asian values. 
• Australia will join the US in what it decides to do. I don't want to be in Australia during a war as discrimination increases, never feel safe, media coverage - the media are all totally against China and the general population is against China

What a complete disaster of a country!

Pain and Looking Forward

 Last year was probably the worst year of my life.

• My sister went to hospital suffering from seizures. She was there for 1 month and still experiences symptoms
• I lost over $1.5 million [$3 million lost as at 2023], more than most people have seen. I joined over 80 subscriptions and had exposure to 100 subscriptions and still lost*
• I suffer from depression. I cried so much. I don't know when the pain and torture will end. My suffering continues with the wrong investments
• I had bad emotions. I was stubborn, controlling, retaliating and stonewalling
• I crashed my car into two other cars
• I had police issues. I was charged and received a diversion.
• I saved my mum's life when she was choking
• I lost my dating life. It was almost non-existent as I had to stay home due to a lack of money and lockdown
• I am getting older and my health is deteriorating, particularly my eye sight and sexual health
• I endured a miserable winter with sore eyes
• I lost the Biblical God. I prayed intensively and all my prayers were not answered**

In recent months, I waste my life on Agar, I waste my life on Twitter. I waste my life on news. I age another x percent, my ED gets worse by another x percent, my eyes get worse by another x percent, my mum gets older by another x percent... I drift further from my dreams. I prefer a warmer climate, nice girls, no worries as a majority of stress comes from finances. Visualise this and repeat

If I were to ask someone wise or a good friend, what would they say to me?

Where will I be at 45? Is my mum still cooking and cleaning for me? Am I still getting walked all over by others? It's only been 10 years since university - I still have time to achieve everything.

<>

I need to visualise the future. What do I want for myself? 

On reflection, I don't know if I did this even after writing it.

I have to set a deadline on my trading. The deadline is June 2021

As of 24 May 2021, everything I fought for may be over in a week.

<>

I remember that I am now 35. Some people only live to 70. In this case, there is 50% of life remaining.

I have to remember that the past is over. There is no point dwelling on all the problems.

I have to source people who can help get my life back together and work with someone who is living the way I want.

I can't keep repeating what has happened. I make random trades where I might make hundreds, but then one trade loses thousands. I might make a big win but every month I lose. It is destroying my mental state. I need to have a fixed stop loss and only trade it once, win or loss, and move on.

I have to laugh when I am stressed. Worry doesn't bring me anything worthwhile.***

Some thoughts from my psychologist:

- I am not in control, which increases stress. I need a strategy to manage the problem and reduce stress. Think about where is this all going if things don't turn around, based on trajectory of the last two years. I keep losing every single month. What is the trajectory of where it is going. Have a plan in place and have a contingency in case I am wrong. Take tough decisions or it will explode. I was out of control and I needed safeguards. I was like a plane without an engine and to observe the trajectory. 

- My life is dysfunctional. I am fully focused on trading. I am always focused on the markets. As long as I am in the market I will be stressed. I have ongoing stress about financial markets. It wakes me up when I sleep. I am out of balance. My life is out of balance

- Have a direction/purpose. Have goal like ship with destination. I have to choose if I have a good life or a bad life. I feel trapped and lack direction. I am not living the life I want making me feel frustrated and anxious

- Religion takes away my mum's anxiety

- Be aware of the emotion coming. I can see the state of emotion coming. Say to myself - here comes the feeling of worry/anxiety, come from a place of stillness so the emotion doesn't overtake me. Go to a place of stillness, practice stillness and meditation for a stronger mind. Be aware of my anxiety, put down my anxiety for the moment. Medication doesn't stop my worrying mind

- There is a trigger and I react to it. Take time before reacting - what options do I have, wait, think. Respond by calming down first, be still (think of muddy water - wait until it becomes clear). Stillness - stop, slow down breathing by taking deep breathes and count to 7 as current breathes are too shallow, muscles relax, slow down my internal clock to pace myself, visualise myself being still in a restful pose. Take 10 seconds to think clearly about my options. I am panicking too much.

- Take a break from what I am doing when I am stressed. Break my cycle. Go for a walk. Focus on the here and now. Be grateful for the walking. Leave stress at home.

- Take 10 percent off everyday. As I stand up or sit down or walk, focus on slowing down. Slow down 10 percent when I cook, shower, walk.

- Change my life. Get out of the passenger seat. Be busy and engaged. Schedule things to look forward to that you enjoy/make you happy/fun

- I am living at home. It is comfortable, but may not be good for me. I will be the same at 45.Have an interesting life

- Have one thing to look forward to this week

- Be fit, swim. Look after myself

- 

Follow up general thoughts:

I followed that plane trajectory and I crashed. I didn't have a day plan or a long term plan

Think positive (I am in a constant state of negative excitement). If you think in positive terms you will get positive results. Believe and succeed. Mind will return what is planted. Plant your goal in your mind. Picture having achieved the goal. Write down definite goal on card. Quit running myself down. Stop think of why you can't be successful and think of why you can. Trace attitudes of why you can't be a success. Change image of yourself - write a description of what you want to be. Act the part. Start today, nothing to lose, a life to win. Ask and it shall be given you. Seek and you shall find. Think of everyday goal while being Calm + Cheerful. Don't worry. Make being lucky my own perception

- Trade my rules and remove gambling mindsets (trading without a plan, emotional attachment to a trade, anticipation of the win, this time I will be right, riding a trade as if my life depended on it, chase losses until there is nothing, get stopped out and then re-enter, random trades, revenge trading, have to end at the win, jumping between system). Change from impatience to discipline. Journal my trades.

---

* Elliott Wave Trader, Castaway Trader, Vwaptrader, Spiderman, Stops and Targets, Layupfutures/Oblique, Kpak, Marketmind, Revere Trading, 108 Altitude, Feibel Trading, NOPE, xtrends, The Kobeissi Letter, PS60/Access A Trader, Infinity Trades, fed.tips, Arastoo Fazeli, The Kingdom, HussainDhala, Enjoy Trades, TradingWarz, EST, Sann/Onsa, Low Key Stonks, DTR Trading, Noya Alpha/Shiro Ari and Don, Livestream Trading/TSXtrad3r, Colton Options, FT Trading, EFO Edge, MbcTrader, Rich Hamilton, The Corporation, Trading Dojo, SeanTheNoob, tradewithMAK, BullTrades/Cblast, Shibatrader, Warren Letter, Stockmarket Cycles, MoneyBags/Rags to Riches, Brett Simba, SmashTheBid, Expo Developers/Jesse, Highborn Trading/Excalibur and Royal, JBW Investing/Stank, The Wolves of Wall Street, Compound Gains/MakePlays, Oasis/Champ Britt and Oakley, Conquered Minds/Ace , FlowOperator, TraderTom, BrianStonk, Adam Options, Team2Trading/Casey, Trading Decoded, Trade Brigade, xtrades, verniman, NOBStrades, Cary Palmer, The UK Futures Trader, Lanto Trades, MambaCalls, TradePRO Academy, Chew Trades, Pepethuglife, DodgyDDs, Hamed Trades, Aaron Rentfrew/Mind Unbound, Options Pro Chick, FLI Capital, StockDads, Futures Flow, 7th, Trading Channels/Burak, ShadowTrader/Peter Reznicek, KISS_RHINO, Tradersmarts, Options Trading IQ Iron Condor strategy, Tanja Trades, Options Omega, Navigation Trading, DT (reddit), The Signal Trader, Only Gains, Camelback, Stockmanreal, TFNN/Mastering Probability, swingingfutures, The Laptop Legend, Capital Flows, Print Trading, Algoflows, Godzilla Trader, Lewis De Payne, MrWick, Tempo Trades, Deconsecrated2, Tomtrades, Ghost Capital Trading, Kiras Epic Trades, Stocks Pilgrim, Rizzo Trades and Jminx/Traders Wealth Lounge, Remz/Trinity Trading Partners, SharkTank, Seven Star Mike/Bullflow, Tradewriter/High Roller Room, KC Trades, J3Trades, JD Astra/Kingline Capital, Timeless Trading/Korabi, XYJtrades, raketrades, Trade With Insight Futures, froggytrade, Gerti, JBear, shorty orb_it, Ayce ATH, Austin/Pack Trading Group, (I also watched Julia Cordova, TradingNinja, CiovaccoCapital and other assorted YouTube trading videos religiously each weekend as well as reading posts every day from every single trader I found on Twitter (totally tens of thousands of traders). I heard someone lose from carl futia, emini.today, ramostrader and someone who went with Kane Capital, Elite Trading Warrior, ES Real Time, Shinobi Signals, Xclusive Trading, Trading Wiser, PAM, Trade at Ease with Adaamset and Strizzi, Futurestrader400, Trick Trades, Vexxly, Market Timer, dragvs, Telegram groups (Zega, fof, nitro, billions, and more); and I copied Vini/Trade With No Emotion without paying, and took mentoring from FroTrades)

I realise now that I didn't have a set criteria for selecting trading subscriptions. The two criteria I will use now are:

1. Every month is green (and then assessed according to win rate and risk:reward)

2. Trading is complete in the first hour of open

** If God is real the prayer will come true. I prayed with all my heart, with respect, asking for forgiveness, saying I will praise God, be righteous, know God and do God's will, tell me if I am praying wrong. I prayed to the God of Abraham, Issac and Jacob, in the direction of the temple, in Jesus' name. I asked God to make right decisions and called out to Jesus many times.

*** 54321 technique (see, feel, hear, smell, appreciate), body scan

I prayed intensely from November. All my prayers were not answered. Every day since I prayed SPX kept going up despite my prayers for a drop, I prayed for SPX top on Great Conjunction, portfolio to remain above 50k at all times, SPY below 360 by 30/12, my sister to have no more pressure on her head. None of these came true. Through my research I realised that JW deaths from covid were higher than the average based on the distribution of publishers they have around the world. I cannot believe in a religion where God does not answer prayer as there are many examples of prayer being answered, especially in the area of health.